Delivered

He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us. 2 Corinthians 1:10.

My body has survived the abuse. My heart survived also but the scars run so deep that it is in deadly peril now. God delivered me physically and now He is delivering me emotionally. There are days that I feel so lost and like I will never recover. I feel my heart will forever be cold and that I will always have to live with overwhelming sadness, guilt (however misplaced), and shame (also misplaced). It feels so heavy sometimes. The hopelessness is almost palpable. Those days I depend on my therapist, support group, and husband to pull me through. I am now starting to remember to depend on God to get me through also.

Every day is not horrible but there are those that are. Sometimes there are more bad days during a week then good ones and at times the opposite. I never really know how it is going to go. Unexpected things can trigger a memory, feeling, or even a body memory. It is hard to remember to breathe and separate what happened in the past from the present.

The days that are good it is easier for me to remember the hope. Not just the hope that is in God, but the hope that I will have more good days than bad. Hope that one day the abuse will be a passing thought if triggered and not a constant daily reminder. I really do not believe this hope is possible without God. He continues to deliver me through the bad days whether I seek him. He is always there, waiting for me to reach for Him. As the verse above states, as long as I set my hope in Him, God will continue to deliver me from the bad days and from the evil of the abuse affecting my wounded heart.