A Life Worth Saving

When you start to think you are tired of dealing with the abuse or that you just do not have the energy to keep going it is scary. It is frightening to my soul and causes great concern for my counselors and support system.

This just hurts. I am weary and wish giving up was an option. Not necessarily suicide but I just want to forget the abuse again and live in blissful ignorance. In thinking about this, forgetting the abuse would take me back to age 11-13. Not a big time frame to live in and it certainly was not blissful. Even if I never remembered the abuse, the effects would have been lifelong and I would have had a hard time relating to others. I guess blissful ignorance is not possible either.

It appears continuing to recover or suicide are the options. I need to explore them a little further.

Suicide is not a reasonable option. I used to deeply believe it was and had plans for such. I still know the plans but several precautions are in place to control the possibilities. Truth be told, if I was really determined, none of the safety plans in place would stop me. I am not there however. It still crosses my mind but I will not be acting on it. Even though I am 98% confident I am safe, the 2% has me thinking of going into a hospital until the feeling passes.

What are the things stopping me from ending my life? There are several but some are stronger than others. Saying I need to stay alive for my husband and children seems easy. While taking my life would hurt them deeply along with other people who care about me, I really need about other reasons to keep fighting. I need to fight for me. If I give up, the abusers win. They have taken so much of my life already, why give them the rest? I need to take my life back, not give it up. This is what the 98% believes.

So what do I do? I start thinking about what is really driving the thoughts and push my outside resources to the surface. I will start with the outside resources in no particular order.

Hospital

The emergency room is a safe option. While I dread the stigma that comes from checking into an ER stating I am in danger of hurting myself, it makes more sense. If I cannot keep myself safe from harm, I need to be watched. It feels childish to have another adult keep you in their line of sight for hours or days at a time; however, it works. A few years ago I was in the hospital for being suicidal. I was released 5 or 6 days later. A lot of things took place in those days but one of them was a determination not to go back in the hospital. It turned my house upside down for awhile but therapy became more intense and more progress was made.

The last week I have considered going to the ER. I managed to talk myself out of it only because I considered more than just myself. I had a lot of responsibilities that week with my husband, kids, and appointments. Do not misunderstand, my family would rather I be safe and alive and I would have checked in if I had not come to the conclusions listed below.

PROFESSIONAL HELP

Plans are established by seeking advice; so if you wage war, obtain guidance. Proverbs 20:18

I have a professional counselor, who is exhausted by the way. He is not there to tell me everything is rosy and just hang on. He pushes me to reach in and deal with the pain. My doctor knows what I need to recover. Granted, he will encourage me to go to a hospital if I truly concern him, in fact, he instigated the hospitalization earlier this year. I was incredibly ticked off at him but it saved my life. Finding a therapist you trust may take time and it may not be the first few you see. Over the years I have seen five. These days I am wondering if I did not get anything out of sessions with the previous four because I did not put enough into it. Honesty is the only way to really make progress and establish trust.

My counselor can usually tell when I am hitting bottom and push the button needed to get to the

bottom of it. It can happen in one session or over a few, but he has forced me to see reality and gain a logical perspective several times (which has to be exhausting).

If you do not have a personal counselor, I urge you to seek a minister. Make an appointment and give them the opportunity to listen, help, and guide.

Telling Family/Friends

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. James 5:16

This is harder than it may sound. Who wants to worry family and friends? No one. Which family and/or friends want to know I am trouble? All of them. I had to make a promise to my spouse after my last hospitalization. I have agreed to let him know when my depression is worsening and/or when I am seriously considering hurting myself. I do tell him when the depression is getting worse but unfortunately I have failed to let him know when I am considering hurting myself and usually let him know after the fact. I am pretty sure I do not tell him beforehand to avoid constant questioning and the potential of being watched. I still want space to work things out. I hit a wall last week and did something that caused excruciating pain. Guilt and shame afterwards were heavy and I have resolved not to let it happen again.

A support system of friends that are going through similar things and some that are not is important. People who are going through the same understand where I am struggling. They can either sit with me and cry or show me how they have come through the same crisis. My friends who have not been abused are invaluable in a different way. These women pray for me when I ask and do not press for details. There is no judgement from either group. It is precious. I imagine ending my life will hurt them deeply and I do not want to leave them thinking they failed. Suicide is actually a selfish action no matter how you try to justify it. Not giving people a chance to help tells them you do not trust them to love you through heartache.

For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:20

GAINING PERSPECTIVE

Out in the open wisdom calls aloud, she raises her voice in the public square; Proverbs 1:20

Stubbornness is an inherited trait for me. If I am determined not to do any of the above, I need to work into a proper perspective. A wise man I respect once told me this time in my life is just a drop in the bucket in a lifetime. This is not a permanent state and is not always bad. If I get caught up in all the pain and struggle, I will forget all the good. Does this seem to trivialize the pain? It will make my eyes roll from time to time but it is correct. Everything in my life has not been traumatic and there were good times, even if it was just a few minutes a day. Hold onto those moments. There will be more. We never know how much time we have, which leads me to my next point.

GOD’S PLAN

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

God has a plan for my life and yours. I can guarantee he does not have a plan for us to end our lives before his set time. Giving up is disobedience. I was never promised life would be easy. God promises to never leave us and to lift us up. Suicide is disregarding all of his plans and promises.

Humans are incredibly imperfect and we cannot achieve perfection until we die and meet him in heaven. Meeting him ahead of schedule is not the design. You may think ending your life will just get you to heaven early (if you have accepted Jesus as your savior) and end suffering. God desires for us to live out his purpose for us. We affect more people than we realize. God realizes it and puts us in people’s lives and people in our life for specific reasons. I have come to the conclusion my job is not to alter God’s plan by taking my life but it is to listen to him and seek his purpose for me. He designed me to be an individual and I am honored that he thinks I am valuable tool for his work.

A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed. Job 14:5

Scent of a Memory

Endless ruin has overtaken my enemies, you have uprooted their cities; even the memory of them has perished. Psalm 9:6

It is possible I am being haunted by scents of the past. I am going to attempt to explain without coming off as kooky.

There are so many triggers associated with each memory. Abuse is 5-dimensional. There is sound, sight, touch, smell, and sometimes taste; none of which are pleasant. Our brains do not “forget” any of these. We may not be able to reach them consciously but the memories are there, part of the repression.

For years I had problems with the smell of marijuana and could not figure out why. I had no recollection smelling it prior to my first exposure in middle school. I was visiting the mother of one of my friends in another city. That evening the mother’s friends came over and smoked it during the night. I was instantly uneasy. I remember the knots in my stomach and an overwhelming desire to head home, which was not an option. The smoke was thick and I ended up with a second-hand smoke high. The entire weekend was uncomfortable for me for several reasons. I was out of my element and comfort zone for one but there was a nagging feeling in my gut that it all too familiar. 

My next encounter with marijuana involved coworkers in a restaurant. I would hang out with them until the joint was brought out and then just excuse myself politely. My coworkers knew I was not going to participate and respected my decision to leave. I could not stand to be around it. I made concentrated efforts to stay away from it but eventually the picture memory followed the smoke exposure; unfortunately it was at a Pink Floyd concert I had been dragged to kicking and screaming by my first husband.

There are other smells that bring me back to the abuse. I hate them. The “smell” memories are more random and always lead to something worse, for me anyway. My thought process usually involves, “What about this smell is bothering me? What is it related to?” Questions for which I really do not want answers but inevitably the unpleasant answer arrives.

Back to haunting scents. With marijuana and the others I have been in a place where the smell made sense, especially the concert. Lately the scent I am getting is out of place. I will get a whiff in the car, outside on a walk, in the house, and even at the mall. At first I thought it was just me. I would take two showers a day, washed all my clothes in a different detergent, cleaned out my car, and would wear perfume. None of this helped, as it still happens. As soon as I placed the smell I felt dizzy. It is the smell of my abuser right after he was done. Even when the abuse happened in the shower he smelled the same. It is hard to describe, but it is along the lines of a person who sweats beer mixed with body odor and something sweet. Just writing about this is causing me to feel ill and anxious.

At this time the memory of this scent has not thrown me into a full flashback, just a memory. I certainly hope it stays that way. If not, I am praying I will be able to reach for the tools established for this. I want to be able to step out of it, take a deep breath, and concentrate on the present, reminding myself it happened in the past and I am safe now. It is really difficult to put the plan into action. Practice is required and not every coping skill will work for everyone. You have to find what works for you, often with trial and error. Having a private counselor help you with these skills is helpful. They have several strategies and can encourage ones that may work based on their knowledge of who you are. Talking myself down from a flashback or an overwhelming emotion has saved my life a couple of times. I am not always successful and become disappointed but I am still here. The flashbacks and memories are not the end. I have to remember I made it through others and will make it through more in the future. It boils down to reality mixed with hope.

For He delivered us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son Colossians 1:13

Understanding God the Father

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, Is God in his holy dwelling. Psalm 68:5

 I am one of those people who has to experience something first hand or have a visual demonstration to fully grasp a concept. This served me well in math class but not particularly helpful in matters of faith.

As with a lot of people, abused or not, my faith in God has been a struggle. I have heard God described in many ways, predominantly as a father. Now I have not had the greatest father examples while growing up. There were issues with abandonment, overall safety, lack of sincerity, and I questioned motives. There are by far worse fathers out there but if our earthly father cannot be trusted or seen as a positive person in any way, how can we grasp a heavenly father? If your father abused you, this idea is not comforting. I have battled with this concept for years.

When I would hear a pastor or church leader speak about embracing God as our father I was not impressed. My mistake was comparing God to man. I was attempting to use my earthly fathers as examples and imagining a faith in them that was not attainable. There is no comparison between man and God however.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. 2 Corinthians 1:3

Can you imagine a father providing all of your comfort, showing complete compassion and understanding? Even without physical arms, there are days I can feel his arms around me. I feel the comfort I missed. While the abuse was a secret and it was years later before I said anything, the comfort and compassion I craved was not there. I searched for it subconsciously with older men, but, as you can imagine, it was not successful. I ended up with more pain and confusion.

Within the last year I have come to God as his child and accepted him as the perfect father. This was not an easy task and I know there were people in my life praying for me to see God as he truly is. God created me and has always been with me whether I was aware. He did not change in order for me to see him as my perfect father; I did. I had to open my heart and let this wash over me. I accepted his power to heal my heart and mind, no longer searching for the perfect father figure on earth, who does not exist.

With the deeper understanding of God in my life came the compassion for others. Accepting a perfect, heavenly father lead to understanding we are all flawed. I am working on a better relationship with my biological father but he is not perfect and no matter how hard we try it will never equal a father-child relationship with God. This realization is incredibly freeing. The pressure is off my shoulders to form this perfect relationship on earth. I have accepted the reality and am better off.

My heart hurts for anyone abused by their father or mother. The parental relationship is forever broken. The search for the relationship that should have existed on earth will never end. There will always be grief. If this you, I pray you come to see God as your father, one that will never hurt you and provide the comfort you seek and need.

May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.
Psalm 119:46