Hide and Seek

For the most part I have been quiet the last couple of weeks. Why? I am not really sure. I have not felt like writing, talking, or being all that social. I have met with a good friend and have not completely isolated myself, but if given the opportunity, I probably would have disappeared completely for the last few weeks. 

I cannot exactly pinpoint what is driving me right now. There is a cloud over me and a pressure on my heart. I have not been able to figure out what is going on. I am convinced it is not new memories or any surprises in my past. I think all of that is behind me. I am pretty confident I have gotten all the memories and just have emotional aftermath to deal with. 

Clinically I can list the possible emotions causing my current state. I have heard them all several times and can define them quite easily. I can point to different times in my life where I have “processed” levels of grief over what could have been. I can show you elements of joy in my life and the level of healing I have reached. What I cannot tell you is what my real problem is right now. I do not know. I am just in a funk and have been for at least 3 weeks. 

This prolonged mood may not have anything to do with the abuse or its aftermath, but there is a voice inside telling me it does. It is obviously something I am avoiding. I suspect if I really put a lot of effort into it the problem would surface and I could start to deal with it. I also suspect I am just tired of all of it and do not want to think about any of it. I am not giving myself permission because I am not going to like the outcome, as temporary as it might be.

What if I am avoiding forgiveness? To forgive is to let go. I have held on to all this for so long and never really fully put all the responsibility on the abusers. I have written at least one letter and mailed it to an abuser, letting him know I was no longer going to carry the burden of the abuse. I never did forgive though. By not forgiving and letting go of it I am still holding on. Why do I want to hold on to this? Is this a control issue? Yes.

What if I am avoiding responsibility? Moving forward is up to me. I can be pushed but ultimately I have to move my feet forward. Sex seems to be a major hang up for me right now. I cannot push through it right now. I was doing okay for a few months but now it is like I have hit a brick wall. Freedom is on the other side of that wall. It is a freedom I have never felt and it is terrifying. I will have to be aware of sex and my desires. It will be my responsibility to communicate these. I will have to be more in tune and involved than I have ever been. Control issue again? Yes. 

What if I am avoiding telling the truth? I know where my worst abuser lives. It is a very safe distance, several states away, but I have put myself in an odd situation. I have communicated with his daughter and become friends with her on Facebook. She does not know the real story behind my contacting her. I was so obsessed with finding him for so long. I thought I needed to see his face. I found him last year. I used this woman to see the face of the man who hurt me the most. Maybe I know I am at a point where I need to take some sort of action. I am not sure it is about telling his daughter the truth. Maybe it has something to do with forgiveness? I am supposed to write him a letter? Am I supposed to forgive and walk away? Am I supposed to do both? Do I need to write him a letter that expresses my anger and forgiveness, even if I never mail it? Am I hiding from the emotions that will cascade over me if I do this? Control issue? Yes. 

All of the above is causing the heaviness in my heart. I know it. I did not really see it until I started writing this post. I am not sure if I liked it better when I did not really know what was bothering me. Identifying the problem requires action. I believe that is what I am hiding from. I am afraid of change. Just thinking about the steps I need to take to move forward is making me tired. 

It is time to stop hiding. More to follow. 

Tide Pools

I am not sure how many of you have spent a week in a house with 13 other people before, but I just want to let you know it is mostly a blessing. There are moments when the noise is incredibly overwhelming (5 boys and 2 toddler girls) and escape is necessary. It can be hard to have any type of quiet time unless you create your own. I did just that this morning. I had sat down to write a couple of times during the week and not much was accomplished. It was just too hard to  stay on task. 

This morning I opted to take a walk on the beach by myself. I had hopes of settling some of the things I wanted to write and maybe create a plan or at least some sort of outline. I set off down the beach with my inspirational music pumping through my ears. I started thinking about the subjects I wanted to write about but then it all changed. Instead of just walking down the beach, lost in my own head and oblivious to what was around me, I started to really look around. 

It was that time in the morning where the tide was just starting to come back in and there was a lot of room on the shore to walk. There were men and women getting in their morning runs, dogs crashing through the waves, and little children just sitting in tide pools having the time of their life. I started to really see my surroundings. 

I really noticed the tide pools and was amazed at their formation. I did not have my fancy camera with me but did take several pictures with my phone. I noticed all the intricate ways the paths in the sand formed to fill these areas. They seemed to be roads created just to fill the areas of low sand. The lines were essentially precise and purposeful. The water in these pools was cool and perfectly clear. 

It is easy to see God in the big things, such as thunderstorms, rainbows, the ocean, trees, mountains, and just amazing sunny days. I think sometimes when I focus on the big things that I miss all the little things that are just as powerful. I have included some of the photos I took today. I was mesmerized by the shape of the sand and the formations created by waves just obeying the rules of tides. I almost missed them. I was so busy walking while struggling to  finding the right words about a different subject I almost missed the power and wonder in front of me. I have been to the ocean several times in my life and I have never really looked at the tide pools. I have played in them and watched my kids do the same. I never really looked at how neat they really are. 

At low tide I walked the beach again, stopping in the same places I had this morning. The same tide pools were there but there were some differences in pattern and width of path. It occurred to me nothing can encounter something powerful and come out the same every time. Each time the tide comes in and out, the tide pools change. The patterns change. The path into them changes. Same with me. 

I can encounter something powerful, positive or negative, and I will be changed, even if just a little at a time. A year and a half ago I started group therapy. I developed strong, healthy friendships. My marriage has become stronger. Most surprising to me was I encountered the healing power of Jesus in the midst of it. I began to see the good things in my life and the positive changes in the healing process. Now when something overwhelming crashes around me I have faith that if I stand there, strong in Jesus, it will pull back and I will be just fine. The pattern of my life will change and the path will be different, but it will be beautiful because it will be orchestrated by God. 

Order of Nerves Please?

The other day I was out shopping and had one of my younger sons with me. He was basically doing well for a child but at some point his constant asking for things started to work my nerves. Our conversation was similar to this:

Me (partially teasing): Son, you are getting on my last nerve.

Son: How many did you bring with you?

Honestly, I laughed. This seemed to be a clever response and we moved on to the rest of our shopping. Several times during the day I thought about his seemingly innocent response and wondered how many “nerves” I bring into situations.

Have you ever gone out shopping, to a friend’s house, work, or even church with a set of expectations? We all do. It really comes down to what are those expectations and are they positive or negative? Expectations tend to dictate the direction of any situation, especially a potentially unpleasant one.  

I confess that anytime I go out with one of my children, or all of them, I go expecting conflict. Most of the time I am correct. They are either bugging me about what they “need” or are fighting with each other. Do not even get me started on car trips that last more than 30 minutes. How many “nerves” do I bring to these situations. Very little if I am already anticipating the conflicts. My perspective needs to change. I need to bring all available nerves to any situation. The fewer I bring, the more likely I am to lose control.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry James 1:19.

This is not my favorite verse for several reasons, but it should always be at the forefront of my brain. The reason is because it convicts me on several levels. All of which point to a lack of bringing all my nerves to a situation.

How do I bring all my nerves with me? First I have to recognize that I already have them. They are tucked in the workings of my emotions. I need to reorder them. The positive, hopeful, patient ones need to be up front. They should always be in the driver’s seat. If I go into a situation with the expectation of conflict, frustration, or general annoyance, I have already removed the positive nerves to the backseat. I have not given them a chance to help and the negative nerves (temper, frustration, sarcasm, anger) start driving and usually end up hitting a tree.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

Again, ouch. Each one of these requires the positive nerves to be in control. I am in no way indicating I will now go into each potentially frustrating experience with rose-colored glasses. There will always be places I know will be frustrating and hard to deal with, my hope is I can go into these with a new perspective and all my nerves in the right order. I would imagine have some quiet time with Jesus would help significantly. If I bring my anticipated frustrations to Him up front, I have a better chance of maintaining control.

For instance, when we get in the car to take a family trip and we pray first, I will already have Jesus on my mind when the first fight breaks out in the backseat. Will I get irritated? Yes. I am hoping my response will be calmer, the first time anyway.

If heading into a party or family gathering where there is a particular person or persons that get under my skin faster than a tick, I can pray for patience. I can pray for the wisdom not to respond in anger or at all. Being sucked into drama is never a spiritual positive. Taking a step back, gathering my nerves, and just a quick prayer can save a lot of grief.

I am facing a particularly stressful time in the next week or so. A part of me is anticipating the frustrations and conflicts that typically happen during this week. The added bonus is now that I am off the medication that made life “easier, I am going to be facing it all sober. This actually frightens me to an extent. As a preemptive strike so to speak, I thought about the traditional conflicts and my therapist and I talked about them. The result is I have gathered my nerves, prayed, and have created a plan to deal with such in a positive way. There is no guarantee I will be successful but I have a starting point.

All of this will require practice. To change from negative view to a positive is a lot of hard work. I will have to take it in steps, some will seem almost minuscule compared to my goal, but any step forward is progress. Even if I seemingly fail to control my attitude and get to my “last nerve,” the plan in place will make it easier to determine what steps I skipped and where I did not pause to gather my nerves. It is my hope and prayer that this process will become automatic, second nature, and I will not have to try nearly as hard to remain calm and anticipate the positive.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. James 1:2-6