Framing My Life

Recently the following was quoted in a group session. “The ability to choose cannot be taken away or even given away-it can only be forgotten.” Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown.

To put it lightly, I overreacted and responded before thinking. I immediately took offense, calling into question my ability to choose to be abused when I was a 3-year-old girl. I was quickly brought back to earth with the phrase, spoken to the entire group, “you cannot frame everything within the abuse.” I was still in “reaction mode,” so the impact of the group leader’s statement did not reach me until hours later. The word that stuck out the most for me in the above statement was “frame.”

So many of my reactions, problems, and issues have been centered around the abuse. My perceptions and overall outlook have been influenced and framed within it. This is not to say I constantly dwell on the abuse, but I have a strong tendency to blame what is wrong with me on it. This needs to change.

I looked up the definition of frame and was pretty surprised by how many different definitions were listed. Typically I think of a frame as something that surrounds and holds together a photograph or painting. As I dug into the many different definitions, I gained new insight on how to change my frame of mind about the abuse.

Definition #1: To put something inside an open structure that holds it; to put something in a frame.

This first definition is what I typically think of in terms of a frame. I have framed several things in my life, from photographs to needlework. I have even framed a cartoon I thought was hilarious.

I started to think about the frame of my life, not so much the physical frame, but the internal, abstract, emotional frame. Imagine an empty frame when we are born. I am picturing a red velvet wall with a several empty fancy gold frames on it (maybe a little too tacky or garish, but it’s my imagination). Everything I experienced before the abuse ends up in one frame. I can see camping trips, riding a tricycle, moving across country, and the birth of my brother. It is like a collage and while some of the images are fuzzy, they are still there and are positive experiences. The process of filling this frame comes to an abrupt halt once the abuse starts.

A collage starts in another. This collage is the abuse. The ugly images start to fill it and it is a depressing picture of loss, anger, betrayal, and helplessness. When the last episode of childhood abuse ended, the frame was extended and became much bigger than the first.  I can see a line right down the middle with one side labeled “abuse” and the the other “after abuse.”

The “after abuse” collage consists of choices I have made, emotional reactions, depression, and what I perceived as my true identity based on the abuse; none of which are positive. I got stuck in that frame and everything in my life had become confined within it, whether or not I was aware.

This collage gets hung in the center of the wall and all other frames become connected to it, at least until I start to take the steps to recover.

Definition #2: Make or construct something by fitting parts together or in accordance with a plan.

I can now see another frame, a round one if you will. This starts to fill up with what I have learned about myself and abuse effects I need to overcome. The connection to the abuse collage discourages me at times, but sometimes the perspective changes and it becomes a source of motivation to overcome.  

My goal is to empty this 3rd frame. Take the effect, fix it or use it for good, and then move it to 4th frame. This new frame holds the steps I have taken to recover. It includes growth and self-awareness and starts to show a new path, a growing relationship with Christ, and a support system for accountability.

My mind and heart start to become open and more receptive to God’s plan for my life. The focus shows less of me and more of Christ. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

Definition #3: A story within a frame or a story constituting a frame for another story or a series of other stories.

My next frame (5th) is in the shape of a diamond. An amazing thing starts to happen when I shift and/or change the effects of abuse, recover, and develop a healthy relationship with Christ, I start to see the positive images of my life after I became an adult. I was intermittently in full denial or therapy, but the following positive events came about.

• Graduated from college with a Bachelors in finance.
• Obtained a job after college (ironically not related to my degree) that forced me to be independent and assertive. I discovered a level of self-esteem I did not know existed. My character became less passive.
• Good marriage and healthy children.
• Fell into a job I really enjoy and am confident about.
• Acquired a close circle of support through friends and church.
• Developed a more mature approach (most of the time) to uncomfortable situations and see the bigger picture.

I start to remember happier images from childhood and my teenage years. The first frame finally fills to capacity.

Definition #4 (frame of reference): A set of ideas, conditions, or assumptions that determine how something will be approached, perceived, or understand.

Know that wisdom is thus for your soul; If you find it, then there will be a future, And your hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 24:14

This last frame is my ultimate goal. It is not a 4-sided frame but it has one side, leaving the rest of the wall open. It fills with images of a life with more freedom. A life based on faith and hope. A future of moving forward in whichever direction Christ plans for me.  A life where my mind and mouth no longer react out of hurt, anger, and pain, but react out of love and peace. I let go of control and hand it over to God.

The frame with the abuse is moved to the bottom of the wall. It no longer drives any part of my life. It will never be forgotten, just moved from center of the wall. Looking at it will not stir up the same amount of pain, hurt, and confusion; it will just be a reminder of what Christ has brought me through.

Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13.

Anger? Forgiveness? Freedom?

I am still working on strategies to defuse the huge amount of anger I am holding onto. In my therapy the concept of forgiveness and justice has been discussed before but I really started thinking about it over the last few days. Could it be that one of the reasons I cannot defuse the anger is that I cannot really forgive my abusers? Could it be that I will never see any sort of justice that will equal what I have been through and that angers me? How much of the anger would dissipate if I really forgave my abusers and gave up on the possibility of earthly justice?

I believe when we die we will stand in judgement before God to atone for our sins. My therapist has told me that we will feel the pain we have caused others, even if they have forgiven us and we have asked God for forgiveness. Knowing how I have hurt others in the past and will in the future whether intentional, big or small, makes this concept rather frightening. It also encourages me to be more aware of my actions in the future.

When I think of my abusers standing in front of God and being made to feel the pain they caused me, it still does not seem like enough. It does not seem that a few seconds, or however long it is, comes close the years of pain I have endured due to their actions. Yes, I do recognize the double standard here.

Do we place more value (degree) of sin above other sins or offenses based on how much hurt is caused? Who quantifies hurt? Is the sin of gossip less of an offense than adultery or abusing a child or adult? In God’s eyes sin is sin. There are no levels or degrees of sin; they are all equal.

There will never be real justice for any of the "offended." If there is ever jail time, some sort of lawful punishment, or even death, the desire we have for the offender to feel the emotional pain we have suffered will never come to fruition. The only true way for them to feel it is to experience the same betrayal and sexual assault. Out of anger and/or hurt we may want to inflict this damage on them personally, but this in turn makes us the offender and has resolved nothing. The contribution of earned guilt to our already misplaced guilt could be catastrophic. To break the cycle of abuse, we have to choose to let go of the revenge. Not an easy task and admittedly I have done my share of revenge plotting.

I cannot have the relationship God desires to have with me with this lack of forgiveness and desire for revenge for my abusers. My heart is divided between wanting a closer relationship to God and the spiteful anger and bitterness I am holding onto.

If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand. Mark 3:35.

I am that house divided against itself. Judgement and justice are not mine to disperse. It is God’s. His command is for us to love, forgive, and not hate. We need to apply the grace he has given us to those who hurt us. I should be praying for their salvation and not their destruction. This almost seems impossible. So far I have not been able to do this and it hurts. To be honest, there are times the thought of praying for my abusers’ salvation turns my stomach, but it is ultimately what I am commanded to do.

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.“But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:19-21.

I believe every time we help each other, put a piece of the abuse behind us, grow, and heal, we are engaging in a type of healthy “revenge. We are taking our lives back. We will never know what will happen when our abusers come face to face with God, but we need to pray for their salvation. Is it not better to pray they have come to know God’s grace and not abused another person than to plot their ultimate destruction? Acts 26:18 ‘to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me.’

What would happen if I met my abusers again in heaven? Would they try to apologize? Will I even need it at that point? Will they ask for forgiveness? I will be in heaven, ultimately forgiven by God and granted eternal life. Nothing that happened on earth will matter anymore. How can I not forgive these men when God has forgiven me so many times and given me his grace?

I need prayers from other people to help me forgive. I wish it was easy but it might be the hardest thing I need to do to heal.  When I forgive these men I am not only following God’s command to do so, but I am gaining freedom from that anger. My “house” will start to come together and will no longer be divided.

I will pray for you. Please also pray for me, so we may all have freedom.