Faulty Radar?

I used to think I could spot a child molester anytime, anywhere. All of us have a little voice inside that will tell us someone is dangerous or just not trustworthy. There were times I could look in a person’s eyes and just get a creepy feeling about them. A lot of times I was right and times I was way off. Most of the time I never hung around long enough to find out. I prejudged but the little voice in my head would not relent. Only God knows how many friendships I passed on because of this. 

I subscribed to the theory I would always be able to identify a predator. It seemed plausible. I had feelings about people and was very careful about who I let my kids around. If I felt any sort of bad vibe I would limit their exposure to my family. I was vigilant. 

Recently I discovered my radar was off. There was a big news story in our city. Over 20 men were arrested in a child-sex ring sting over 4 days. At first I was very glad to see the story and grateful these men were locked up. I thought about all the potential victims that were saved. I wondered if there were previous victims of these men that may have been happy to see this story. While it was disturbing that 20-plus men were arrested in just 4 days, there was a little satisfaction in that these men were now publicly embarrassed  and would hopefully never hurt anyone again. 

My entire perspective changed when I realized I recognized one of these men. I in fact had worked with him for 2 years. I was stunned. I immediately thought about my boys and whether they had been alone with him. When they were babies I was able to take them to work and there were days I needed help with them. I tried to remember if he had ever been alone with them. I essentially freaked out. I slowly started to realize the probability of him doing anything to my boys was very low, basically none. He was arrested for planning to have sex with a teenage boy. Once this realization came to the surface, I became very sad. I was sad that a man I had respected and enjoyed working with had fallen so far. 

How did this happen to him? What went wrong in his life that brought him to this level. He was a funeral director. His job at the time was helping other families through one of the most difficult times of their lives. He was compassionate, caring, and empathetic. When he was working away from the families he was very detail oriented and had a great sense of humor. I enjoyed working with him. After I left the funeral home I saw him once or twice in public. He was with his boyfriend and seemed just as easy going. I never saw him as a perpetrator or pedophile. 

His arrest stirred a lot of things up inside. It was not just that I had missed the perpetrator within. That part was disturbing enough. While I was never in danger myself, it threw me off that I never saw it. The scared little girl inside realized pedophiles are not obvious. They hide. 

Eventually God brought me around. He reminded me this man is human and needs prayer, not judgement. Is this easy for me to do? Not really. The thought of what he is accused of is sickening to my heart. Having been abused, my support has a tendency to swing towards the victim. In this case there wasn’t a victim but who knows if there was before. In this case, I knew the abuser. I saw him as a good man. God is teaching me there is still good in this man. He didn’t fall this far overnight and this may be the bottom for him. Now there is the potential for help that could change his heart. 

Haven’t we all reached a point that turned everything around? It may not have been as public as my coworker but could have been just as dramatic. All of us have or will fall into a sin full of shame and recovery from it may seem impossible. We will need forgiveness; forgiveness from anyone we hurt, forgiveness from ourselves, and most importantly forgiveness from God. This man does not need forgiveness from me. He did not do anything to harm me. I need forgiveness from him for being angry and disgusted by his actions. I need forgiveness for my harsh judgement. A judgement I made based on selfishness. 

I do pray for my coworker, a man I considered a friend for so long. The news industry pounced on this story and it has been a priority for the TV channels and newspapers. By the time all these men go to trial or plead out, it will be old news and I may never know the outcome. I may forget about him along with the rest of the city over time, but I really hope I do not. I keep wondering if God wants me to get in touch with him and just let him know he still has a friend. It seems odd to me to think about contacting him. It seems counterintuitive. It also seems like what I am being led to do. 

What I Know

There are days when I have no words. I think these are the days I can learn the most. Sometimes being quiet and not forcing myself to write creates a better day or even days. I learn the most. Correction, I search to learn and end up with so much more.

I will find myself paying more attention in church, Sunday School, and/or bible study. I find myself looking deeper in the scriptures being studied. It is not so I can find something to write about, but I am looking for a perspective. I am looking for how the verse or verses apply to my life at that time. To be honest there are times when I just do not see where it applies to my life. I am not sure if it is because my heart and mind are not open at the time or if it is a lesson I am to learn later. There are times when the word hits me like a ton of bricks. I am either blown away by the hope and promise I see in Him or I am humbled and taken aback by the hard lesson just learned. The best times are when I see both in the same passage.

I am sure of one thing. Everything in the bible is relevant, not just to my life but everyone's.

For the last couple of days I have not had the words. I have not been able to come up with a blog post. I have a combination of finished and unfinished posts in a file, but I feel like there is something different to post this time.

There is a song from a movie that has never left my heart. It is a song that will pass through my mind when I am in a difficult situation or just need a reminder. I will always have good days and bad days, some will have to do with recovery and some will not. Today I am sharing that song.

What I Know by T.R.I.C.A.

My Own Goliath

There are several things I love about the Bible, God’s word. One of those things is that is the Living Word; it is not stale or boring. It is never the same when you read it. There is always a new perspective on His truth. The truth remains the same but when you can come at it with a different state of mind you learn so much more.

Tonight the story of David and Goliath took on a whole new meaning for me. You would be hard pressed to find someone who has not heard this story. The first time is usually as a child, maybe in Sunday School or Vacation Bible School. If you grow up in a church you will hear it a few more times. I heard it again tonight and saw it in a different light.

David faced a giant that no one else would. The Philistine taunted the Hebrews, enjoyed their fear, and had full confidence in his ability to defeat them. You know who this sounds like? My abusers and the way I used to feel about myself.

My abusers fed on my fear, especially my first abuser. He threatened to kill my father if I told. No child wants to lose their father. In my mind the threat was extremely real. My father and this man were in the military and it seemed possible my father would not return. He used my fear to abuse me. Once he realized I was afraid he would follow through with his threat he had all the power. I was helpless and defeated.

As far as I know my abusers never really taunted me like Goliath taunted the Israelites. I did that to myself years later. I was constantly putting myself down and never really felt confident. I never felt like I was good enough. I bullied myself based on the actions of my abusers. It probably was not the only thing creating these thoughts but the abuse had a lot to do with it. A giant of self-doubt, helplessness, and crushed self-esteem lived inside of me for years.

Recovery has started to change all that. When I first started to remember the really horrible stuff, I felt like it would never get better and that I was not strong enough to get through it. I was suicidal. I felt like it was better to die than face all the pain in the journey ahead of me. My therapist and husband were constantly reminding me that suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Turns out Goliath was a temporary problem.

I do not have the strength to get through all of this alone. I need God and a group of very supportive people.

Goliath taunted God. And the Philistine also said to David, “Am I a dog, that would come to me with sticks?” And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.

I Samuel 17:43.

David had to convince Saul, the king, to let him fight Goliath. David did not care about the King’s promises for the person who killed Goliath. David told Saul of how God rescued him several times while he was a sheaperd. David had full confidence that God was with him. He had witnessed God save him. He walked with God and had faith in Him. David knew God would help him with Goliath. But David said to Saul “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, He will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” I Samuel 17:37a. Saul offered his armor but David faced him with the weapons he was comfortable with, a sling and stones.

David faced Goliath and killed him. He hit him with a rock and then cut off his head. I like to think I am working on the same victory.

I did not start to become truly victorious over my Goliath until I started to really see myself as God sees me. I had to see how he had rescued me previously in order to trust Him to see me through the rest of the battle. My battle has not been as short as David’s and is not over, but slowly and surely my Goliath is falling. I had to learn, and am still learning, to rely on God to provide the strength I simply do not have.

God knows we are not strong enough to face our Goliath’s alone. We need His help. We just need to put ourselves in a position to let Him work through us. We bring whatever strength we have and He provides the rest. And the Lord looked at him (Gideon) and said “Go in this your strength and deliver Israel from the hand of Midian. Have I not sent you?” Judges 6:14

David ran toward the Philistine. He faced his enemy without fear because he knew for certain God was going to take care of him. I can do the same and have in a lot of my recovery. I have faced a lot so far and there is more to go. David picked up 5 smooth stones to fight Goliath but only needed one. God’s Word is that stone for me. Whatever my enemy says to me about my worth and helplessness is contradicted in the Bible. There is an answer in the Bible to contradict every lie the enemy taunts me with. I can cut the enemy’s head off with the word. For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit Hebrews 4:12a.

I still have stones to through. The stones of shame, guilt, helplessness, and unworthiness for starters. These stones belong to my abusers. The guilt and shame belong to them, not me. I am not helpless with God and I can take comfort in my value in Him. He values me more than anyone on earth ever could.

There will come a time I will be able to cut the head off my Goliath. I will hold it up in victory and I hope those who see the changes in me will know that God provided the strength and deliverance.