I am in recovery from sexual abuse. I was abused between the ages of 3 and 5 by the same man, a different man at 8, and possibly at age 10. None of these men were related to me but were part of my life, sometimes daily. At the age of 13 I started to remember. I only remembered one specific incident at the time and honestly believed that was all. When I was 16 I told a school counselor and a “report” was filed but since his location was unknown, it was pretty much dropped. Many years later, in my 20s, I remembered another incident involving the same man. It bothered me but I tried hard not to let it affect my life. My fiance told me I needed to “get over it.” When our marriage started to fall apart we started counseling. Our marriage ultimately ended but I continued to see the counselor in reference to my abuse. I stayed with it for a little while and then just let it drop. After I was remarried I started counseling again. Things had started to spiral out of control for me. More of what happened was coming back and I had a really hard time dealing with it. Therapy continued off and on for years, because I kept running away. I had convinced myself I was fine and over it. I am back in therapy now and started going to a support group. In the course of 13 weeks of the support group we were asked to write our story. I wrote about the first time, the one I had the most details about. After I read that story to the group everything came flooding back. It was devastating and I have been working hard to recover. Some days are better than others. I have been suicidal, homicidal (towards my abusers), severely depressed, self destructive, and, in spite of it all, hopeful.
I started writing as an outlet. I wanted to write more than just the details of my abuse. I needed to focus on positive changes and look towards hope. All those years I spent running from therapy, I also spent running from God and His healing. I had a hard time recognizing that I cannot heal from this on my own. There are days that I still crash and need a lot of help to get back up. There are days that I am so angry I can barely see straight. It’s all normal.
Everyone’s journey is different. No two situations are alike. There is no timeline, no checklist, and no pattern of recovery. This is my recovery and I hope it is helpful.
I am so deeply sorry for your life's experiences and for the pain that it has caused you. I share your pain but in a different way. My brother sexually abused me when I was 14 one night when he was high but never touched me again and did everything he could to "make up for it". My family never knew but my husband does. 21 years ago while we were on a job assignment in Beaver PA a man came to the door. My husband worked nights and I worked days with different days off so I was home. He was selling vacum cleaners and was very nice when I told him no. He asked for a drink of water and I left him on the porch to get it but he quietly followed me inside and raped me. He said he had seen me at Walmart and knew he had to have me so he followed me for days. I had no idea. He left notes on my windows for about a month after but the police could never catch him and short of the physical evidence of my rape kit, I'm not sure they believed me anyway. Counseling was all that saved my marriage and my life so I truly understand the benefits. The loss of our first born son triggered everything again and I walked that line of ending it all as well but, once again counseling and patience from my husband brought me back. Please know that, whereas no one can ever truly understand your situation, I do feel your pain and hope that this will always bring you peace.
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