Seek and Set Free

 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32

Last time I described my search for my first and worst abuser. I listed several questions I struggle with regarding what to do next. Should I mention the abuse to his daughter or even just ask for his specific address and send a letter to him personally? Now that I have found this man, do I really need to take a chance on confronting him? The only answer I have been able to come up with is “No.”

There is a pastor I will send blog posts or even general questions about recovery. This is a person I respect and who will always tell me the truth, regardless of whether I really want to hear it. The perspective I gain is invaluable because it is objective and honest. Having a person to bounce your questions off of and who has an insightful outside-looking-in view is priceless. I sent him my last blog post and the response still has me in tears. Reality and conviction will do that.

I have been going about this with the wrong attitude. My initial search started because I just wanted to see the rest of his face. I knew his body type and could even recall the coldness or indifference in his eyes, but the rest of his face was never really clear. I wanted to see his face. I thought I needed confirmation that he was the one who abused me. The thing is, when I finally got the full picture, I just did not walk away satisfied. I became friends with his daughter via Facebook. What was I hoping to gain from doing this?

Initially I convinced myself that becoming friends with her I would get a glimpse into his life and what kind of person he had really become. A small part of me was disappointed he was not on the sex offenders website but even that disappointment is so very misplaced. If he was on the offender’s list, it would have meant he abused someone else and was caught. Why would I want him to abuse someone else? There is absolutely no chance he will ever be lawfully convicted for what he did to me. I used to pray that I was his only victim, that he had found Christ, and turned his life in a better direction. If I really and truly meant this prayer, I never should have looked for him on the offender’s website. Doing this completely negates my prayer and displays a lack of faith that it would be answered.

Now I know who he married, where he worked for the last couple of decades, how many children and grandchildren he has, and where he lives. To what purpose? Did I honestly think this information would give me insight into why he abused me or even into his overall character? I guess I did but I was way off. I found benign, statistical information. Nothing about it provides anything useful. It does not give me the why, tell me if he remembers what he did, or even if he regrets it if he does. It has become heartbreakingly clear to me that anything information I gleaned after the picture was purely out of a vengeful and selfish heart.

My heart and mind overall are split over this whole mess. One side is so boiling angry and wants to destroy this man’s life or just screw it up like he did mine. I want him to suffer similar setbacks and a life of distrust, self abuse, and times of crippling depression. I want him to know what it feels like to want to kill yourself because it seems easier than slogging through all the painful emotions. I have no doubt many abuse survivors feel the same way.

The other half of me knows I need to forgive and just let go of him. Obsessing over his destruction or ways to mess with his life is only hurting me and my relationships with people who really care for me. Most importantly, it is distracting me from a healthy and healing relationship with Jesus. This man forcefully took a lot of things away from me and I was helpless to stop it. Now, by concentrating on him and his family, I am continuing to let the abuse take over my life. It is my choice at this point. I am no longer that helpless, naive little girl. I am an adult, a survivor, and able to make my own decisions. I am giving him space in my head that can be used for something much more productive and meaningful.

As long as I am concentrating on what I think I should do, I am going nowhere. I am not moving forward. I am not relying on God to get me through this. I have taken the controls and I will crash land at some point. I am not putting faith in Jesus to handle him and his heart. I have become prideful and stubborn. Well, I was already stubborn, now I am just making it worse.

What difference does having his location really make? A part of me is comforted in that I know I will never run into him. He and his family are several states away. Before I found his daughter I pretty much already knew what state he lives in. Why did I really need to find his address? I have considered writing him a letter, a letter like I wrote a different abuser. I will probably still write one but there is no way I will send it, especially not now.

I am not afraid to send him a letter. He really cannot hurt me anymore. Sending a letter is for my purpose. It is a way to get all my words about the abuse out of my head and on paper along with a good deal of emotion. It is a way to communicate to myself. I will then reach the anger, hurt, grief, and sadness contained in my body out in the open. Sending the letter to him will not change its effect on my healing/recovery.

I need to let this information go and no longer obsess about it. This man has occupied enough of my life and taken up enough of my time. I still have work to do with my recovery, but focusing on him is not going to help. It is time to move forward.

Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31b-32.

Seeking

I am thinking about my first and worse abuser. I am wondering what steps I need to take at this point. Even if I never contact him or tell his daughter the truth, I need to take action. 

I have never been the vigilante type, at least not outwardly. So many times I thought I would feel better if I could imagine a painful, horrible act of revenge. I have written before about my abuser watching me bulldoze his house with him sitting in the middle of it. I wanted him to watch his world being destroyed and be absolutely helpless. It still

seems like a minor inconvenience to his life compared to what I have endured. 

It may seem really odd that I have sort of befriended my abuser’s daughter. I had a hard time remembering what my abuser’s face looked like. I remembered everything else about him. It had always bothered me that I could not remember a monster’s face. There were several different avenues I went down trying to find this man.

One of the websites I visited often was http://www.familywatchdog.us. This site keeps up with convicted sex offenders. I searched it several times over a year looking for him. I came across men with the same name but none of their faces ever triggered anything. 

My father was in the Navy with this person and on the same ship at one point. For my father’s birthday one year I decided to get a copy of the cruise book for his first ship. A couple of months beforehand I managed to get a digital copy of it Trembling I went through the pages, searching for his face. When I got to the page where his picture should have been it was not there. There was a small blurb at the bottom of the page listing the names of men not pictured. His name was on that list. I was disappointed and a little relieved at the same time. I did obtain more information, however. The name I knew him by was his middle name. I now had his first name. Still, I left it alone for a few months. 

I cannot remember exactly when I picked up the search again. The internet can be a powerful tool. Armed with the years he was in the Navy and the state of his hometown (via my father) I was able to narrow down my search. I found a website where members of the Navy could try and get in touch with shipmates. It was not very specific, but I did find out his wife’s name and his actual hometown. I was getting closer. The entry also listed he had 2 children. 

I kept at it off and on. I found another website that proved to be more than helpful. It listed several men with the same name in the same state but it also provided a list of family names. Since I had his wife’s name I was able to find him. There were at least 3 addresses listed for him but they were all in the same city. The names I did not recognize I assumed were his children. I then started to search FaceBook. 

I found his daughter. I sent her a private message under the ruse of looking for my dad’s old shipmates. Evidently she was relaying the information to her father via text. She confirmed he knew my father and mother and spent a lot of time at our apartment. Working up my nerve I asked for a picture. She sent me one she had on her phone. I nearly threw up when I saw it. I started shaking and fell apart. I cried myself to sleep. The next day I forwarded the picture to my father, who confirmed what I already knew. I also sent an official friend request to his daughter. 

The last few days I have been thinking about why I went through all this and why I continue to be friends with this woman. She doesn’t seem to be a bad person. She mostly posts things about her boys and some relationship issues. What is the purpose behind having her in my news feed? What I am hoping to gain from this? I think I might be searching for clues about his character now. I have always hoped he never abused another child. Once I found out he had a daughter I wondered if he abused her. I was almost relieved to find out she had boys and not girls. My abuser also has a son but I am not sure if he has children. 

I have yet to work up the nerve to tell his daughter what her father did to me. What if I was the only one? Do I really want to destroy her image of her father? Realistically I am not expecting any apologies from him nor do I expect him to admit to anything. While I am not expecting it, do I still want it? Yes, I do. I want the validation, which makes absolutely no sense. I know what happened. I have remembered so many sick details. I do not need his validation. 

So what is it that I need from all this? If I do not tell his daughter, can I tell him I remember? Did he suspect I was contacting his daughter just to get at him? Does he remember what he did? Alcohol and drugs were involved most of the time, so maybe it is all a haze for him, not that it is an excuse. Has he known all this time and asked God for forgiveness? Has he ever wondered if I ever remembered? 

There are so many questions, questions that may never have an answer. How do I let this go? How do I move on without answers?