Professional Help

Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory. Proverbs 11:14.

There are some things that can be done without help. Recovering from abuse is NOT one of those things. I have no problem admitting I hate asking for help. I am convinced there are some situations God put me right in the middle of simply to teach me to ask for and accept help. I am still hard headed about this, but I am one the biggest supporters of therapy/counseling.

I started therapy as a teenager with my church pastor. Without a clear understanding of my problems there really was not a lot that could be done. I remembered a piece of one incidence of abuse but did not relate that to my depression and just overall feeling of yuckiness. I never told the pastor about it because I was uncomfortable saying those things in front of anyone, much less a pastor.

My first pass through a professional psychologist was after I turned 17. I had spoken to a guidance counselor at school about what happened. Before I knew it the police were called, I had to recount the event in front of a male police officer in the principal’s office. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. The silver lining is that it lead to professional help. My first counselor was a male and that lasted 2 sessions. It was decided I would be more comfortable with a female, which turned out to be true. I still only remembered a small piece but she helped me through the last bit of high school. I stopped seeing her when I moved to another state to attend college.

While away at school I met a man in the Navy and we started to date. I was 19 at the time. Around the 3rd or 4th date I told him about the abuse and had remembered a few more details at this point. I ended up comforting him! He was upset because it was getting more difficult to find a woman who was not already damaged. I should have run away from him at that point but we actually ended up getting engaged. It was at this point sex started to become a problem for me. I was not a virgin but his demands were uncomfortable and it was difficult for me. He actually suggested I start therapy again. His reasoning had less to do with me and more with his needs. He wanted me to be able to think about sex as much as he did, enjoy sex every single time, and give him a blow job on a regular basis, including while he was driving. I did find another therapist, but her methods were a little strange for me. She tried to hypnotize me and that was just not happening. She kept trying to take me back to my childhood through a variety of techniques that were very uncomfortable for me. I was so tense in her office that it just was not helpful.  I stopped seeing the therapist and ended the engagement.

Fast forward to age 24. My first husband and I met with the pastor of the church regarding marital problems. A Christian psychologist was recommended and we went to see him. Our marriage did not survive, but I finally had a counselor I was comfortable talking about my past with and was getting the help I needed.

I was inconsistent with therapy for many years. I would get to a point where I thought I was fine and stop, or it would get so difficult I would run away and submerge myself in denial. It took me a long time to really trust my therapist. I was full of shame and felt if he knew what all happened to me and the thoughts I had, he would send me packing or send me to a mental hospital. I was wrong and he has actually saved my life. He is completely understanding, non judgmental, and God knows how patient he is. God put this person in my life to help me deal with the abuse when I was not even looking.

The support group has also been a strong factor in my recovery. The group is facilitated by a professional, Christian counselor. The other ladies in the group are not professional counselors, but they are just as important. It is a group that understands, keeps confidentiality, and provides unconditional support. The combination of my individual work and group work has moved me forward more than I ever thought possible.

I give you my therapy history for a few reasons. One is to emphasize the need for it. Recovery from abuse is overwhelming and you need someone to help guide you in a safe way. It will need to be someone with experience with abuse survivors. Get recommendations from other survivors if possible. The second reason I have given my therapy history is to let you know that it may take a few tries to find the right one and sometimes it will just depend on where you are in recovery. A psychologist who takes on a teenager may not be the right one for an adult and vice versa. One psychologist might have methods that you are not comfortable with. If you are uncomfortable with your therapist’s methods or the person in general, establish help with another. Most psychologists want survivors to recover and are more than willing to make referrals or other recommendations.

It just so happens the psychologist I see has a strong faith. He has never pushed faith on me and never ever gives me a canned “Sunday School” answer. I am of the opinion that if a counselor/therapist/pastor/psychiatrist ever tells you to “just turn it over to God and move on” you should run quickly away from them. There is so much more to recovery. It requires a great deal of work and it is just impossible to just “turn it over.” I firmly believe God provides the strength and hope I need and want to move forward, but I still need to do the work.

I also want to point out that when and if you do find a wonderful recovery group, individual therapy should always be part of it. The individual therapy should come first, especially if you are just starting to process the abuse. Individual therapy will help you work through what you learn about or what triggers you in group.

Please know that once you start counseling you do not have to continuously push through. A good therapist will tell you when to take a break. The break may last a few weeks, few months, or even a year; just keep in mind you will need to go back. Taking time off will give you the opportunity to put into practice what you have learned. Stepping back will also change how you see your recovery. It is encouraging to see how much you have grown and gives hope and confidence for the rest of the journey.

Stay strong. Accept the help available to you and that which God has provided.

Riding Out the Waves

We all need a break. Thinking about the abuse every waking moment will wear you down to the point that progress and healing will stop. I know it seems counter intuitive, but I have experienced this first hand. I have been immobilized mentally, leading to weeks of emotional numbness.

I mentioned before (My Story) that I was hit with a massive amount of information about my abuse when I started group meetings, between February and May. I was a mess. We were asked to write our story to read aloud to the group. I wrote about one specific incident. When I finished it I started to cut myself again. I could not stop the flood of information. It was like several waves were hitting me at once, spinning me around to the point I did not know which way was up, and I could not catch my breath. I became suicidal. I never established a plan but it was on my mind a lot. The cutting was bad and at one point I required stitches. The second to last group meeting I spent almost the entire time writing reasons not to commit suicide in my notebook. The following is what I wrote.

What about the kids? Do I really want them to have the same traumatic childhood? I want things to be better for them. If I kill myself, their lives will be irreparably changed. They will be devastated and I do not want that for them. I want them to be happy and they will not be if this happens. I have to do the work so I can be better and they can be better. The boys do not know devastation and I cannot cause that for them. I need to think of others and the effect my death would have on them rather than just myself. My abusers only thought of themselves and not how much they were hurting me. I have to be different.

I was exhausted at that time, both mentally and physically. I was not sleeping well and I was trying to deal with too much at a time. My therapist and group leader were telling me to pace myself but I really did not know how. I had never really tried to and was unsure where to start.

I managed to escape one weekend and completely regroup. I took time to take care of myself and take a breather. I made a reservation to spend a weekend at a local convent. It offered peace, quiet, and freedom to relax and find peace. It was perfect. I was nervous at first but the ladies put me at ease immediately. The place was incredibly quiet and had several beautiful areas set up with tables and chairs. There was even a walking path through the woods within their gates. It was exactly what I needed.

I spent the weekend reading and journaling. I read two different books on healing, including On the Threshold of Hope by Diane Mandt Langberg. I spent time reading the Bible and just being quiet. I focused on healing and not the memories. I gained a new perspective that weekend and left full of hope.

My soul waits in silence for God only; From Him is my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken. Psalm 62:1-2.

Stepping back mentally takes a lot of effort and strength. It will go against everything you are feeling, but you must find a way to do it. It will become a coping skill that helps keep the bigger picture in view. It will give you a chance to slow down and make the connections that need to be made so change can occur. Find a way to distract yourself. Things that have helped me are:

• Exercise, even just a slow walk around the block makes a difference.
• Read a book. If you have been reading books on healing from abuse, put them down. Read something different. If you cannot think of anything else to read, reach for
  Dr. Seuss, at least it will make you smile.
• Go to a movie.
• Eat at a different restaurant.

The point is to move away from it, even if it is just a little at a time, and do something fun!

An amazing thing happened when I had to take a step back and look at the big picture. I got a little of my life back. I got a glimpse of what life could be like without the abuse haunting me. I became hungry for more of that kind of life. I have had periods of time that I become overwhelmed and I did cut but I was no longer suicidal. I discovered that I did not fall as far down the pit as before. I was stronger than I was giving myself credit for.

Imagine the pit for a minute. Think about how deep it feels when you are hurting so badly it is hard to see a way out. When you start to heal you start climbing out of it. While you are climbing dirt and rocks will fall and fill the pit a little. When you fall down it again it is not as deep because of what has fallen during the climb. The process gets repeated several times with rocks and dirt filling in the pit a little each time. The light starts to get brighter the closer you get to the top. Your pit is no longer as deep and eventually it will just be a divot. You will still trip over the area from time to time but it will no longer be something you fall into and feel completely helpless. You will live in the light and want to stay in it.

When I realized the floor of my pit was not as deep I felt more hopeful. I recognized I was healing and saw areas of my life affected by abuse that needed to change. The focus shifted from the trauma of the abuse to healing the effects and moving forward.

The group leader had a lot to say about our emotions and actually brought up the image of emotional waves. He essentially said emotional waves will hit us but if we stay still, not panic, and just wait the wave will eventually pull back, leaving us on the shore rather than tossing us around. Learning to wait it out and accepting that the emotional overload is just temporary is so important and an awesome mindset to be in. Am I successful at keeping my emotions from knocking me over every time? No, I am not. My hope is my successes will outnumber the times I am not as successful. So far I am on the plus side. I cannot do this on my own and need help. I receive this help from my therapist, friends, support group, and most importantly Jesus.

Who alone stretches out the heavens, and tramples down the waves of the sea… Job 9:8

It is also important to walk away from the shore and get on completely dry land. Take the time to shift focus to other people that need your attention. Take time to do something fun and relax. I had to take this one baby step at a time. Once a day I tried to focus on someone and/or something else, even if it was just for 5 minutes. I have a tendency to push through and I miss so much in the process. I failed to see I was growing and healing; it had to be pointed out by someone else before I recognized it. Taking time to think of others has made it easier to recognize the growth and healing.

When you are standing on the shore looking at the vastness, the powerful ocean of memories, flashbacks, and emotions before you just take a deep breath. Put on your snorkel, flippers, and floaties. Compare these to the tools God has given you: His word, promises, and strength. With these in place when the wave hits and possibly knocks you over, rely on these tools and learn to swim back to shore, back into the safety of who Jesus is, and into his arms of hope. He is always there to comfort and strengthen.

For I hope in Thee, O Lord; Thou wilt answer me, O Lord my God. Psalm 38:15

Getting Started

Some time ago I heard the following sentence, “This has gradually improved but still remains somewhat tender.” I either heard this from my doctor or physical therapist. When it was said it touched a spot in my heart and I wrote it down. It reminds me of so much that is going on with my abuse recovery.

It may sound odd, but “improved, but tender” is a goal of mine. I want the wounds left by the abuse, or any wounds for that matter, to just be tender, and not raw, open, infected, and so painful it takes my breath away when touched. There are a few wounds that have reached that point, but most of those wounds are not related to my first, most abusive violator. I will explain the extent of this in another post.

Back to “improved, but tender.”

Fairly recently I had a significant surgery to replace a faulty part. The recovery was as difficult as other people warned me about. It was painful and frustrating. There were setbacks and times I regretted doing it. I also felt recovery was taking too long but patience is a virtue II need to work on in general.

Now I have reached a point that I am not constantly reminded of the surgery by pain or obvious physical limitation. Does it still hurt sometimes? Yes. Does it still restrict my activities? Absolutely. The thing is,the pain is not nearly as bad as it was before surgery or the weeks thereafter.

Physical therapy followed surgery, a necessary evil as far as I am concerned. It was extremely beneficial. In physical therapy I gained the motion and strength I needed. To gain these things I had to stretch scar tissue (ugh!) and put in a lot of work outside of the physician’s office. It occurred to me that recovery from sexual, physical, and emotional abuse has similarities.

1. We have to recognize the original problem either on our own or with the assistance of trained individuals.
2. Tools are used to help see the inside in order to diagnosis the main issue.
3. We have to decide whether to do something about it. Unfortunately surgery is not an option for this kind of recovery.
4. If we decide to move forward, the work is going to be difficult and painful. We are going to fight through the roadblocks and setbacks that will come up.
5. We are going to need professional help to recovery. This can be found in individual therapy (recommended) and with a great group that can encourage. We are also going to need God’s help, the ultimate professional.
6. We not only need professional help, we need to do some of the work on our own. We need to journal, make connections, and practice new ways of doing things.
7. As we progress, the pain becomes less, scars of abuse are stretched so they no longer restrict progress, and we become so much stronger. We become free.

The potential improvement in our lives is immeasurable. So much can come from the freedom we experience.

Here is where the tender part comes in. I am not sure I will feel the surgery for years to come or if it will restrict activities forever, but I know I will be better in the long run. Same with recovery from the abuse. I want it to be tender though, simply because I want to make sure I remember what if felt like to go through the recovery and can help others. The tenderness will also help maintain a sense of empathy and compassion. I want that tender spot in my heart for others. I will never be a professional therapist, but I can hold the hand of another survivor, listen to them, and be there when they need me. With the tenderness of my own wound, I can reach out to others and hopefully help them heal the way others are helping me.

I know it seems odd to post an entry about starting recovery after 13 others, but this all really just came to mind. It is also posted under the "Getting Started" tab on the home page. Let me know what you think.

Repairable

I started an entry with just the simple sentence “All things are repairable in God.” While I know this to be true, I became agitated with the thought I needed to be repaired under the assumption I am broken. Admittedly I dwelt on that much longer than I should have. I had to take breath and look at this objectively.

For years I have considered myself broken and damaged because of the abuse and other things that damaged my self esteem over the years. It is hard to feel like you are whole when I huge chunk of your life has been torn out of it. The abuse took a piece of my heart, soul, and a part of my life just stopped. I felt damaged because I figured something was wrong with me otherwise I would not have been abused. I met so many other kids around my age that never had been abused. I wondered what the difference was between them and myself? What did I do wrong that caused this? What did my abusers see in me that led them to pick me? What was wrong with me? These are some of the questions that ran through my mind and they still do from time to time. I spent a long time feeling broken, damaged, and unworthy. There was so much emphasis on saving sex for marriage and honoring your future mate by not going “too far” with anyone before then. I was already “ruined” before I even started to have boyfriends. This way of thinking crushed my self esteem and I had a hard time really caring what happened to me.

With restrictive parents and being the oldest child, I was constantly watched and really was not allowed to date until I was 16. There were still ways to be alone with boyfriends. I felt like I did not have a voice with boys. I felt like I did not have a right to protest because I had already experienced most of it so how could I say no? I felt broken and still feel that way times.

Over time and with the right support people in my life, I have gained my sense of self esteem, I see myself in a positive light. I have learned to value and respect myself. I still have self doubt, we all do, but my goal is make sure it is not based on the lies put in my head by my abusers. I do not always achieve this goal. Realizing I am not to blame and getting rid of misplaced guilt and shame is unbelievably difficult. Logically it makes sense but emotionally it feels like climbing Mount Everest unprepared. Broken feels comfortable. It needs to change.

If I change my perspective to see myself as God sees me, the brokenness takes on a new meaning. All of us on earth are broken and God makes us whole. That hole in our heart or the gap we feel in our lives can only be filled by him. We are broken because of our sinful nature, not because of what has been done to us. All of us are the same. No one is better than anyone else. Our brokenness is equal. For me that is so freeing! It puts everyone on an equal level and I do not feel like I am less than human. I am repairable!

Think about something that is whole versus something that is broken. What can you do with something that is whole? Can you make it more whole? How much can you really alter it or be creative with it? It is limited. What can you do with something that is broken? The possibilities are limitless. There is more room for creativity. There are so many options and the potential for growth. This is where God wants us. He wants to take the brokenness and use it for what he designed me for. I was not designed to be abused. I was not designed to be broken by another human. God has a plan for me, a plan that was in place long before I was conceived. I have to overcome the worldly pressures and ideas of what my life should be. I need to surround myself with people who understand how I feel and with people who are encouraging in their own ways. I need people to hold me accountable. I believe God uses these people in my life to help me feel less broken simply by realizing we all are.

It seems counter intuitive to be content with brokenness. When I consider that I am broken along with everyone else I feel less alone, less isolated, and less ashamed. It is brokenness that takes the sting out of the brokenness I felt due to the abuse. Brokenness before God is strength and truth. Brokenness by an abuser is false, a lie. Brokenness before God is an opportunity to become everything he designed us for. Brokenness from an abuser stunts our growth with God and blinds us to the opportunities. There is no hope in the brokenness we feel because of the abuse. Brokenness before God is full of hope and promise.

Take all the broken feelings related to the abuse and all the lies created by it and heave it at the foot of the cross. It will not magically go away. It is a difficult thing to get rid of and I find that I still hold onto to some of it. There are days that I seem to go back to the cross and pick up some of the baggage and take it back with me. I look forward to the day I can realize I have surrendered all the horrible feelings I took upon myself because of the abuse. Imagine putting all the twisted lies based on the abuse in balloons. The balloons can be in the color you dislike the most. Write them down, place them in the balloon, and then let it go and watch it drift into the sky, toward heaven where they will be absorbed by God and disappear from your life.

Let me know what you think.

Holiday Survival

For many abuse victims the holidays are the toughest part of the year. It is a tough time for a lot of people for many different reasons, including the loss of loved ones, not having any family around, actually being around family, being alone, and/or just feeling depressed.

As abuse survivors, we have our own losses. We have lost security, sense of value, trust, and hope. If your abuser was/is a family member, the holidays can be an especially painful and difficult time. How do you face the abuser (s) or family members that know about it. If you have never been able to tell family, how do you not scream it out loud at the dinner table? The thought of having to suffer in silence and/or endure the presence of this same family is heartbreaking and can be incredibly depressing. It is really no wonder the holidays are dreaded.

What would happen if the perspective changed? What if we made an effort to think outside the box and reach deep to enjoy the holidays?

Thanksgiving-It is all in the name. Make an effort to find things to be thankful for. You will be surprised how quickly it adds up.

Even if I can only think of small things at first, the list will always get longer.

• A warm day.
• Sound of leaves under my feet (favorite since I was a child).
• Feel of a soft blanket over me.
• Roof over my head, food on my table.
• I survived the abuse.
• God created me and loves me unconditionally.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? … Matthew 6:25-27

For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:32-34.

Christmas-It may seem too obvious to focus on Christ and his birth, but I think there is more to it. While the focus should be on Christ, his purpose on earth should be considered. He came to save us, save me. The holiday has become over commercialized. It is easy to concentrate on gifts, food, and decorations. God’s gift to us provides nourishment for our hearts and decorates with light, pushing out the darkness.

How awesome would it be to concentrate on that only? What if we take this season and do one of two things, or both for that matter?

1. Try to let it go, at least a little.
2. Do something to help other survivors or a charitable organization.

Letting it Go

We all need a break. This is one of the hardest things to give ourselves once the healing process starts. If you are anything like me, you want to push through, get it out and over with. It does not work that way. I have been reminded of this on several occasions. I am one of the worst at learning to pace myself. I understand first hand that once you start this, the memories may just come at you wave after wave and it feels like you cannot catch your breath. I honestly do not know if it is possible to stop this wave because I was unable to do it myself. A few months later I was able to take each part a little at a time but it was difficult to slow down; it still is.

If you do not give yourself a break, the holidays will be that much more difficult. The focus will be overall negative, in turn crushing your spirit and you will miss out on all the joy. Not giving ourselves a break is also selfish because all we end up caring about is our feelings, our suffering, and our memories. This leads to my second point.

Help Someone Else

The ways to do this our endless. Helping others takes the focus off you and may change your perspective. It does not have to be a big jump outside the ever present comfort zone. It can be behind the scenes, but it is still just as important.

These are some ideas that are close to my heart:

• Volunteer to serve at a homeless shelter or donate to one. Black Friday and the sales leading up to Christmas are great times to purchase basics, such as socks and toiletries. These things can make a huge difference for someone.
• Write cards of support to women’s shelters. Donating the same items as above will also work.
• Check with law enforcement agencies to possibly get involved with an agency that helps victims of sex trafficking. There are really good national and international agencies. Behind the scenes work and cards/letters of support would be greatly appreciated.
• This may sound odd, but plant a tree. If you do not have a green thumb and are afraid of killing your tree (my hand is raised), do it through the Arbor Day Foundation. They will plant one in a national forest for you. Imagine planting a part of your past and it growing out of the dirt into something beautiful, something full of life.
• Just do something fun, even if you just blow bubbles.

Overall, reach for the positive. Take moments, however small, and focus on all you do have and what God has to offer.

Precious Jewels

I have a mother’s ring. Growing up I thought they were the ugliest rings on the planet. I could never understand why anyone would want one. My mother shared my sentiment and essentially forbade us from purchasing one for her. There were 5 kids, with 4 different birth months. I would imagine she was wary of a large ring with significantly clashing stones.

When I was physically done having children I started to consider a mother’s ring. I have 4 children but there are only 2 birth months. I decided, based on this, my ring would not be bad. However, I was determined to make sure my ring was different than the ones I had seen growing up. I did my research. I looked at the different stone options for the correct months, visited jewelry stores to look at the catalogs of options, and evaluated my metal choices. It literally took me 6 months to make a decision. With my decision made, I returned to the jewelry store of choice and ordered my perfect, one-of-a-kind mother’s ring. It is so different I sometimes have to explain that my ring is a mother’s ring and not just a randomly put together piece of jewelry.  

My husband made a big deal out of presenting my ring to me in front of our kids. They each claimed a stone (there were 4) on the ring representing their birth month. To this day, whenever they see me wearing it, they remind me which stone is theirs.

At a slow moment one day I was playing with my ring. I turned it over and over, thinking of my children and how precious they are to me. I considered their sense of pride knowing their mother wore something for the world to see that represented them. They feel a sense of value in the ring. As much as I enjoy their pride in the ring, my goal in life is to assure them that their value to me is much more than a stone on a ring. The well of love for them is deep and bottomless.

It hit me at that moment how precious we are to God, how deep his well of love is for us. Can you imagine the size of a ring to hold all the stones representing our births? I imagine it looks a lot like earth with each person a stone.  

God created us, loves us, and we are so precious to him. We can take pride in that we are his children.We are children he loves without fail. Our value is not wrapped up in actual physical stones, but wrapped up in His love. God sent his son to die for us. There is no greater love.

Thus says the Lord who made you and formed you from the womb, who will help you… Isaiah 44:2

When I feel completely unlovable, worthless, and just plain awful about myself it is hard to remember how much God loves and values me. I am a precious stone in God’s treasure, in His kingdom. My children are the most precious things in my “kingdom.” It goes way beyond a stone I have reserved on a ring. It is on a level that can never be explained or demonstrated to the fullest. God’s love is like that. It surpasses our imagination and/or comprehension. Our hearts and minds are not able to grasp this kind of love. As I said before, he sent his son to die for us. That is an incredible amount of love, far beyond our understanding.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well Psalm 139:14.

It was recently pointed out to me that there are no two people in the world alike and never have been. Even identical twins have different fingerprints. Think about this. I can create a ring representing my children, but I did not create them. Sure, I willingly participated in the actions that created the possibility, but God put them there. He already knew the DNA sequence he wanted to grow inside me. My children were created on purpose, when God was ready for them to be born whether or not I was. He did that for all of us. ALL OF US! We are all his children whether we know him or not. All of us are unique individuals with our own set of DNA, emotions, talents, and even bodies. For the most part we are anatomically the same, but that is just the basics for life.

The thought of all this overwhelms me. God took the time to create me personally. He designed me and is still designing me for his purpose. I have a father who values me more than anything in the world. The moments that I am deeply searching for value, to feel like I matter, all I need to look for is God. The mere thought is enough for me to grab a hold of the rope (or thread) to keep hope going and not give up. I am a gem in his kingdom and heart. I can now look at my mother’s ring and not only see my children but that I am a child of God.

One God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all. Ephesians 4:6.