Finding a New Norm

How many times in life do you hear someone is “almost back to their usual self?” In my profession I hear it quite often in reference to people recovering from an illness. When it comes to recovery of sexual abuse, this is not necessary a good thing and it leads to unfamiliar territory.

Before I made a concentrated effort to recovery last year, I really did not think my “usual self” was all that bad. I felt content and felt I was “cured.” I really was not and there is really not a cure for this. The best we can hope for is freedom for the abuse affects, an escape from our usual self.

Here are some traits that are/were part of my usual self.

I was closed off and practically untouchable. I pretty much knew I was closed off and still have issues with it. I was not known as a comforting person. If someone became emotional in front of me, I could try to give a hug and try to think words of comfort, but I felt nothing. No empathy or sympathy. When I did get upset and even cry, I did not want anyone to hug or comfort me. A couple of times when I was crying or even sobbing, I heard from the person near me that they were afraid to hug me because they felt I might slug them.

I was actually caught off guard by the above statement. I never realized I was putting out that vibe. I am still putting that vibe out there. I have not been able to identify what it is about me that projects it, but I am hoping to figure it out and change it. My mother and husband are the only exceptions and even then I have to allow myself to show the ugly emotions. The wall around my heart keeps people from getting in but it also keeps me from getting out to help others.

I no longer want any of the above to be part of my usual self.

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:2-5

As mentioned in previous posts, when I do get upset or feeling really hurt, I turn it in on myself most of the time. I am still working on more productive and constructive ways to handle all this. My first instinct is still to hurt myself physically. Anger and guilt are the main emotions that bring this on. It is a somewhat vicious cycle. I get angry, cut, feel guilty over it, and start all over.

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. Proverbs 16:32.

I definitely need this to no longer be part of my usual life.

This blog and keeping a journal are helping. It gives me a tangible, somewhat logical level of awareness. It makes it easier to see what is really going on in my head and heart. If I can see what the problem really is, it makes it easier to know what I still need to process or what needs further investigating. It gives me the ability to make connections in my past and present and resolve them. It is a more positive, constructive way to recover. This will lead to my no longer being my “usual self.”

He who is slow to anger has great understanding, But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly. Proverbs 14:29.

The second we start to recover, there is no way to return to our “usual selves.” Even if you are just remembering the abuse, things are no longer as they were. You will never be the same person and now you have a choice. The choice to return to the part of your life where you did not remember is not there, but the choice to recover is. Do you move slowly forward or just stay stuck in this awareness? In all honesty, I have done both. I would work on it, get to something uncomfortable, and just stop therapy. I would stay stuck in whatever mode I was in until I was more willing to keep going. This was usually brought on by my becoming aware of a new issue I needed help with. Fortunately, I have a very patient therapist.

Patients who are recovering from an illness or the treatment for it often have a goal to return to their usual self and usual life. Depending on the severity of the illness, this may not be a complete option for them either. There may a return to some normalcy but they also are changed.

What I have seen, especially in myself, is a fear of what is to be. Every step forward leads to a new way of living, moving past what used to be the norm. I have to discover who I am apart from the abuse. It is creating a new identity. I have been living in the shadow of the abuse for years, even before I remembered it all. I have discovered new ways it has affected my life and I need to change the meaning, change the motivation. I need to look at sex with my husband as a loving, intimate action rather than something I feel obligated to do. I need to look at life as hopeful and put this behind me.

The scary thing about all this is that I have no idea what this looks like. Many survivors are uneasy about who they will be or what their lives will look like as a person who was abused and not a person who is defined by the abuse. We must take steps forward; however small the may be, and make this something that happened to us and not who we are.

We are children of God and we must have faith in him and trust him with our future. He defines us. He knows who we are and has planned a future for us without the abuse being the main component. He has given us the strength to make it to whatever level we are on and will help us get to the next level. He wants us to grow in him and in life.

For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11.

There are days that I can barely hold onto to this hope and the future God has planned for me. I know it is there. I know it is better than what I used to consider my “usual self” and is full of hope, love, and joy. Faith is defined as confidence or trust. I have confidence that my faith will lead to this joy and trust in God. I must let go of life as I knew it and embrace the future he has for me.

Trip Through the Everglades

Taking a step outside your comfort zone can lead to amazing things. I am not one for women’s conferences, especially if it involves a church I do not attend. A dear friend bought a ticket for me to attend a simulcast for a Women of Faith conference. I dreaded it up until it started. I had a perfect excuse lined up not to go, but I went because she had bought the ticket for me and I needed to give it a shot, move past my comfort zone and head into the unknown. I am grateful to my friend for buying my ticket, because I learned so much from the conference and discovered a few things about myself in the process.

Several things said at the conference spoke to me, but the thing that has stuck with me the most is something Christine Caine said. She mentioned that the trip from Egypt to the promised land of Canaan was measured at a journey that should have taken 11 days, but because of all the people who did not listen to the Lord, it took 40 years to get to the promised land. God’s people wandered around in the desert for 40 years, walking around the same territory over and over. God provided for them but can you imagine having the promised land that close and not being able to take it? Can you imagine walking around the same territory over and over, doing laps around the same areas? I think what made it tolerable was God’s promise that it would be theirs at the right time.

Are we not walking around the same territory, walking around the mountain of truth and healing we need to go through? I am not suggesting we are wandering because we are being punished by God as the Israelites were. We are punishing ourselves by not taking the steps to move forward.

Comparing the amount of problems and muck left behind by the abuse to a mountain really does not sit well with me actually. I kind of look at it like a swamp. Imagine an “okay” kind of place you are living in. You have learned to survive in it, obeying the rules and living according to standards you never dared to challenge. You believe what you are told, manage the best you can, thinking you have no other choice and need to make the best of it. Right next to where you are living there is a giant swamp, full of the unknown, and the thought of entering it is frightening. One day you meet someone who has been to the other side of the swamp. They tell you of the tough journey but emphasize the beautiful place on the other side. The freedom to make the best of your life and not just settle is on this other side. Every day you start to think about the promise of a better life, weighing the risks and benefits. You wonder if you are strong enough to make your way through the swamp. One day you ask this person to be your guide through the swamp or draw you a map. All they can do however is just give you a general idea. The swamp is always changing and everyone’s journey through it is different. Different travelers will encounter different dangers, but it is survivable if you want it to be. Take the steps and travel to the other side.

I have been in a swamp before. It smelled bad, there were bugs everywhere, alligators swam through the waters and I never really knew what was around the corner. I was in a boat through one of these excursions. Weeds kept clogging the motor and several times we just drifted along, hoping the alligators near us decided we were not worth the trouble. The swamp also had some good aspects, whether walking through it or riding in the boat. I saw different types of wildlife I would not normally encounter. There were spots of dry land where the sun provided warm and beautiful views. Even drifting along in the boat it gave me a quiet chance to take in all that was around me. I was not uncomfortable and scared the entire time. I have tried, but I cannot find a positive side to the smell or bugs.

Recovery is the same. We all have to travel through similar muck and nastiness but it is not all bad. The highlights are where we learn to set our feet so we do not sink into a pile of stinky mud again. We will encounter alligators that threaten our progress but we learn to work around them and let them drift away. In the thickest parts of the swamps it will really stink and there will be things that bug us constantly. This is not a place anyone wants to stay in, seriously. It may feel like a good place to give up but you will stay miserable and never see the other side. It is important not to forget why you started the journey through the swamp. There is a promise of a better place on the other side. Trudge through, keep swatting the bugs, and avoiding alligators. When you get to the sunny, dry spots, soak it in. Enjoy the victory of getting to that place. Rest and gather your strength for the next part of the journey. Listen for the voices of others in the same swamp. Try to meet up and encourage each other. Keep your hope in what lies on the other side.

Finally the terrain begins to change. It is still slightly swampy and smelly but there are more areas of dry land that is easier to navigate. There are more sunny and warm places to take a break. The end is finally in sight and you start to rejoice in the strength discovered within yourself. You have grown and learned how to survive. You encounter more people on the same journey and they have survived their own trek through the swamp. Stories are shared and encouragement is gathered from each one.

As we move further away from the swamp the sky becomes more blue, the grass greener, and the air sweeter. The oppression and sense of hopeless of where you came from has been left in the swamp. Hope and freedom is abundant. You have learned to enjoy your life, the life God intended for you to live.

A few more thoughts about the Israelites taking the promised land. When it was time, they marched around the city for 6 days in a row, as God commanded them to do. On the 7th day they did the same but made 7 trips around the city. The trumpets blew and the people shouted and the walls came down flat. When we seek God’s help in our journey and shout out to him, our walls will also start to fall and we will become open to what he has promised.

Our Own Language

Every Sunday we are given a list of verses to study through the week after Life Groups, a.k.a Sunday School. Usually this slip of paper ended up in my Bible cover pocket and I forgot about it. This obviously points to a problem with my lack of daily study, but that is an issue for later.

One week was different. I evidently slid it into my ever present tote bag and found it Tuesday while at work. On my lunch break I decided to read the verses assigned for the first 2 days, all of which were in Acts. The following got my attention and started the wheels of my brain to turn.

Acts 2:4-6 All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. Now there were staying in Jerusalem God-fearing Jews from every nation under heaven. When they heard this sound, a crowd came together in bewilderment , because each one heard them speaking in his own language.

It occurred to me that the Holy Spirit is still reaching me using a language or circumstance that speaks directly to me. The message is the same but how I receive it is different. It speaks to me in different ways, mostly based on the circumstance I find myself. Ever since I was little I have heard the Gospel of Christ and how he saved us. As a little girl in vacation bible study I heard it in a way that a child could understand. When I became a teenager the gospel was presented through a church youth group in ways that applied to a teenage life.

I started to remember bits and pieces of the abuse at the age of 12 and started to rebel against God. I never considered the rebellion related to the abuse. I blamed it on other things. The church I attended broke apart and I refused to go a different one. I still knew the Gospel and its message but ignored it. I knew Jesus saved me but I was not willing to be rescued because I did not think I needed it.  

I pretty much avoided church until I started dating my husband, at age 26. I had been to church on and off but never regularly. I never forgot the message but was not receptive. It was not a foreign language but it was a language I was no longer relating to or understanding. I had essentially cut God out of my life and was not willing to make changes. I pretty much counted on him in case of emergency.

When Paul was traveling he preached the Gospel in languages the people around him understood.

And as Paul was about to be brought into the barracks, he said to the commander, ‘May I say something to you?” And he said, “Do you know Greek?..” Acts 21:37.

And when they heard that he was addressing them in the Hebrew dialect, they became even more quiet; Acts 22:2.

Attending group and in my sessions with my therapist I was hearing how God was there for me and how he could help me heal. I was still resistant. I mentioned in an earlier post I read in the book On the Threshold of Hope by  Diane Langberg. The author pointed out a passage in the Bible that completely changed my perspective. It was the turning point in my recovery and relationship with God. I sat back in the chair and said to myself, “Whoa.” My life has been different and hopeful since that time.

As I recover from the abuse the Holy Spirit is presenting the Gospel to me in a whole different way. It is teaching it to me in a language of hope and healing. In group I am with women who understand where I am coming from and are speaking the same language of recovery. Yes, I still need the practical ways to apply it to my life, but this feels different. Jesus has saved me in so many different ways. I survived the abuse and am plowing through the recovery with confidence that I will succeed. Some days I am less confident, but the Holy Spirit will gently remind me, or sometimes hit me over the head, with the truth of how much hope and healing there is to be experienced. No matter where I am in life, no matter the pain, or just looking for the energy to open my eyes and get out of bed, the spirit of God is with me, encouraging me. He speaks to me in a language I can understand as long as I listen closely. He sees who he made me to be, his child to love, and someone to celebrate.

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Flashbacks

There are some days I am not sure what is worse, the flashback itself or the after effects. Today I am referring to a new flashback, an incident I had not remembered before but had a fuzzy image of. Flashbacks in a situation I have already remembered seem to be more unexpected for me. What seems like a random trigger will send me back in time, into the middle of the memory.  This was different.

I knew there was something sitting in the back of my brain waiting to get out. I had been feeling uneasy for weeks. It is almost like I sensed it was coming to the forefront. I pushed it back as much as I could, trying to stay busy so the memory would not have an opportunity to present itself. This past weekend things were really bad inside of me. The temptation to hurt myself was overpowering and I lost the battle. I was moody, depressed, and so very anxious. I did not want to put pen to paper because I was afraid of what may come out.

When I went to bed Sunday night I felt oppressive sadness. I was no longer anxious, just very depressed. When the house was finally quiet and I was lying the silent darkness, I got hit with the memory. It was like getting hit in the chest and having the breath knocked out of me. It was an isolated incident when I was 10. I so desperately wanted to just fall asleep and have it stop, but that did not happen. My body was tense and drawn up. I frantically tried to remember the coping skills and the ways to talk myself out of the flashback learned in therapy. It finally stopped and I was exhausted. I wrapped myself in the bed covers and fell into a very fitful sleep.

Now I am the day after and still so weary. I realize at some point I will have to write out the details, not because I want to torture myself, but because it is best way for me to get it out in the open. Once it is no longer contained in my consciousness it becomes possible to pick it apart, control it rather it controlling me, and deal with some of the after effects. I can already name a few possibilities of how it affected me. Once I write this out I will be free of its choke hold. Once I share it with my therapist is loses a little more of its power.

I get tired of thinking I am done with memories and flashbacks and finding out I am wrong. It is frustrating and disheartening. It all sits in my chest like a dark mass that cannot be swallowed and makes it hard to take a deep breath.

The Sunday School answer would be “God never gives you more than you can handle.” I have heard this so many times directed at me or heard it said to someone else having a real hard time. This is so not true. The Bible does say: Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 3:16. God is with us when difficult times land on us like a ton of bricks. He does not cause it and is not in the habit of testing our strength. People on earth do that. I believe he wants us to seek his help and ride it out with him.

I have fallen into my pit. Although the bottom is not as far down as before, I still feel like I am looking up, feeling like I will not be able to stand up. The thing is, I have done this already. I have clawed my way out of it before. I saw a Facebook post recently where someone was advising a struggling person not to try climbing out, but try being lifted up. To do this I need to open up to the possibility of being lifted, letting God help me, and not try to control the situation.

I guess my point in all of this is that some days are just crappy and hard to get through. It is important to try and put everything in perspective. I am not that 10-year-old girl anymore. I am an adult and no longer in that situation. Yes, it hurts and I am disappointed I did not keep myself safe, but it is not the end of the world. This is not something I can instantly let go of and just move on. It needs to be dealt with, but does not need to consume me. When compared to the good things in my life, it is minor. The future is important. Hope is important.

Am I there yet with this flashback. Not really. I am still reeling somewhat. The difference is, because of all the hard work I have done in the past and my support system, I know I will come out the other side stronger and a little more free. So will you.

Professional Help

Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory. Proverbs 11:14.

There are some things that can be done without help. Recovering from abuse is NOT one of those things. I have no problem admitting I hate asking for help. I am convinced there are some situations God put me right in the middle of simply to teach me to ask for and accept help. I am still hard headed about this, but I am one the biggest supporters of therapy/counseling.

I started therapy as a teenager with my church pastor. Without a clear understanding of my problems there really was not a lot that could be done. I remembered a piece of one incidence of abuse but did not relate that to my depression and just overall feeling of yuckiness. I never told the pastor about it because I was uncomfortable saying those things in front of anyone, much less a pastor.

My first pass through a professional psychologist was after I turned 17. I had spoken to a guidance counselor at school about what happened. Before I knew it the police were called, I had to recount the event in front of a male police officer in the principal’s office. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. The silver lining is that it lead to professional help. My first counselor was a male and that lasted 2 sessions. It was decided I would be more comfortable with a female, which turned out to be true. I still only remembered a small piece but she helped me through the last bit of high school. I stopped seeing her when I moved to another state to attend college.

While away at school I met a man in the Navy and we started to date. I was 19 at the time. Around the 3rd or 4th date I told him about the abuse and had remembered a few more details at this point. I ended up comforting him! He was upset because it was getting more difficult to find a woman who was not already damaged. I should have run away from him at that point but we actually ended up getting engaged. It was at this point sex started to become a problem for me. I was not a virgin but his demands were uncomfortable and it was difficult for me. He actually suggested I start therapy again. His reasoning had less to do with me and more with his needs. He wanted me to be able to think about sex as much as he did, enjoy sex every single time, and give him a blow job on a regular basis, including while he was driving. I did find another therapist, but her methods were a little strange for me. She tried to hypnotize me and that was just not happening. She kept trying to take me back to my childhood through a variety of techniques that were very uncomfortable for me. I was so tense in her office that it just was not helpful.  I stopped seeing the therapist and ended the engagement.

Fast forward to age 24. My first husband and I met with the pastor of the church regarding marital problems. A Christian psychologist was recommended and we went to see him. Our marriage did not survive, but I finally had a counselor I was comfortable talking about my past with and was getting the help I needed.

I was inconsistent with therapy for many years. I would get to a point where I thought I was fine and stop, or it would get so difficult I would run away and submerge myself in denial. It took me a long time to really trust my therapist. I was full of shame and felt if he knew what all happened to me and the thoughts I had, he would send me packing or send me to a mental hospital. I was wrong and he has actually saved my life. He is completely understanding, non judgmental, and God knows how patient he is. God put this person in my life to help me deal with the abuse when I was not even looking.

The support group has also been a strong factor in my recovery. The group is facilitated by a professional, Christian counselor. The other ladies in the group are not professional counselors, but they are just as important. It is a group that understands, keeps confidentiality, and provides unconditional support. The combination of my individual work and group work has moved me forward more than I ever thought possible.

I give you my therapy history for a few reasons. One is to emphasize the need for it. Recovery from abuse is overwhelming and you need someone to help guide you in a safe way. It will need to be someone with experience with abuse survivors. Get recommendations from other survivors if possible. The second reason I have given my therapy history is to let you know that it may take a few tries to find the right one and sometimes it will just depend on where you are in recovery. A psychologist who takes on a teenager may not be the right one for an adult and vice versa. One psychologist might have methods that you are not comfortable with. If you are uncomfortable with your therapist’s methods or the person in general, establish help with another. Most psychologists want survivors to recover and are more than willing to make referrals or other recommendations.

It just so happens the psychologist I see has a strong faith. He has never pushed faith on me and never ever gives me a canned “Sunday School” answer. I am of the opinion that if a counselor/therapist/pastor/psychiatrist ever tells you to “just turn it over to God and move on” you should run quickly away from them. There is so much more to recovery. It requires a great deal of work and it is just impossible to just “turn it over.” I firmly believe God provides the strength and hope I need and want to move forward, but I still need to do the work.

I also want to point out that when and if you do find a wonderful recovery group, individual therapy should always be part of it. The individual therapy should come first, especially if you are just starting to process the abuse. Individual therapy will help you work through what you learn about or what triggers you in group.

Please know that once you start counseling you do not have to continuously push through. A good therapist will tell you when to take a break. The break may last a few weeks, few months, or even a year; just keep in mind you will need to go back. Taking time off will give you the opportunity to put into practice what you have learned. Stepping back will also change how you see your recovery. It is encouraging to see how much you have grown and gives hope and confidence for the rest of the journey.

Stay strong. Accept the help available to you and that which God has provided.

Riding Out the Waves

We all need a break. Thinking about the abuse every waking moment will wear you down to the point that progress and healing will stop. I know it seems counter intuitive, but I have experienced this first hand. I have been immobilized mentally, leading to weeks of emotional numbness.

I mentioned before (My Story) that I was hit with a massive amount of information about my abuse when I started group meetings, between February and May. I was a mess. We were asked to write our story to read aloud to the group. I wrote about one specific incident. When I finished it I started to cut myself again. I could not stop the flood of information. It was like several waves were hitting me at once, spinning me around to the point I did not know which way was up, and I could not catch my breath. I became suicidal. I never established a plan but it was on my mind a lot. The cutting was bad and at one point I required stitches. The second to last group meeting I spent almost the entire time writing reasons not to commit suicide in my notebook. The following is what I wrote.

What about the kids? Do I really want them to have the same traumatic childhood? I want things to be better for them. If I kill myself, their lives will be irreparably changed. They will be devastated and I do not want that for them. I want them to be happy and they will not be if this happens. I have to do the work so I can be better and they can be better. The boys do not know devastation and I cannot cause that for them. I need to think of others and the effect my death would have on them rather than just myself. My abusers only thought of themselves and not how much they were hurting me. I have to be different.

I was exhausted at that time, both mentally and physically. I was not sleeping well and I was trying to deal with too much at a time. My therapist and group leader were telling me to pace myself but I really did not know how. I had never really tried to and was unsure where to start.

I managed to escape one weekend and completely regroup. I took time to take care of myself and take a breather. I made a reservation to spend a weekend at a local convent. It offered peace, quiet, and freedom to relax and find peace. It was perfect. I was nervous at first but the ladies put me at ease immediately. The place was incredibly quiet and had several beautiful areas set up with tables and chairs. There was even a walking path through the woods within their gates. It was exactly what I needed.

I spent the weekend reading and journaling. I read two different books on healing, including On the Threshold of Hope by Diane Mandt Langberg. I spent time reading the Bible and just being quiet. I focused on healing and not the memories. I gained a new perspective that weekend and left full of hope.

My soul waits in silence for God only; From Him is my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken. Psalm 62:1-2.

Stepping back mentally takes a lot of effort and strength. It will go against everything you are feeling, but you must find a way to do it. It will become a coping skill that helps keep the bigger picture in view. It will give you a chance to slow down and make the connections that need to be made so change can occur. Find a way to distract yourself. Things that have helped me are:

• Exercise, even just a slow walk around the block makes a difference.
• Read a book. If you have been reading books on healing from abuse, put them down. Read something different. If you cannot think of anything else to read, reach for
  Dr. Seuss, at least it will make you smile.
• Go to a movie.
• Eat at a different restaurant.

The point is to move away from it, even if it is just a little at a time, and do something fun!

An amazing thing happened when I had to take a step back and look at the big picture. I got a little of my life back. I got a glimpse of what life could be like without the abuse haunting me. I became hungry for more of that kind of life. I have had periods of time that I become overwhelmed and I did cut but I was no longer suicidal. I discovered that I did not fall as far down the pit as before. I was stronger than I was giving myself credit for.

Imagine the pit for a minute. Think about how deep it feels when you are hurting so badly it is hard to see a way out. When you start to heal you start climbing out of it. While you are climbing dirt and rocks will fall and fill the pit a little. When you fall down it again it is not as deep because of what has fallen during the climb. The process gets repeated several times with rocks and dirt filling in the pit a little each time. The light starts to get brighter the closer you get to the top. Your pit is no longer as deep and eventually it will just be a divot. You will still trip over the area from time to time but it will no longer be something you fall into and feel completely helpless. You will live in the light and want to stay in it.

When I realized the floor of my pit was not as deep I felt more hopeful. I recognized I was healing and saw areas of my life affected by abuse that needed to change. The focus shifted from the trauma of the abuse to healing the effects and moving forward.

The group leader had a lot to say about our emotions and actually brought up the image of emotional waves. He essentially said emotional waves will hit us but if we stay still, not panic, and just wait the wave will eventually pull back, leaving us on the shore rather than tossing us around. Learning to wait it out and accepting that the emotional overload is just temporary is so important and an awesome mindset to be in. Am I successful at keeping my emotions from knocking me over every time? No, I am not. My hope is my successes will outnumber the times I am not as successful. So far I am on the plus side. I cannot do this on my own and need help. I receive this help from my therapist, friends, support group, and most importantly Jesus.

Who alone stretches out the heavens, and tramples down the waves of the sea… Job 9:8

It is also important to walk away from the shore and get on completely dry land. Take the time to shift focus to other people that need your attention. Take time to do something fun and relax. I had to take this one baby step at a time. Once a day I tried to focus on someone and/or something else, even if it was just for 5 minutes. I have a tendency to push through and I miss so much in the process. I failed to see I was growing and healing; it had to be pointed out by someone else before I recognized it. Taking time to think of others has made it easier to recognize the growth and healing.

When you are standing on the shore looking at the vastness, the powerful ocean of memories, flashbacks, and emotions before you just take a deep breath. Put on your snorkel, flippers, and floaties. Compare these to the tools God has given you: His word, promises, and strength. With these in place when the wave hits and possibly knocks you over, rely on these tools and learn to swim back to shore, back into the safety of who Jesus is, and into his arms of hope. He is always there to comfort and strengthen.

For I hope in Thee, O Lord; Thou wilt answer me, O Lord my God. Psalm 38:15

Getting Started

Some time ago I heard the following sentence, “This has gradually improved but still remains somewhat tender.” I either heard this from my doctor or physical therapist. When it was said it touched a spot in my heart and I wrote it down. It reminds me of so much that is going on with my abuse recovery.

It may sound odd, but “improved, but tender” is a goal of mine. I want the wounds left by the abuse, or any wounds for that matter, to just be tender, and not raw, open, infected, and so painful it takes my breath away when touched. There are a few wounds that have reached that point, but most of those wounds are not related to my first, most abusive violator. I will explain the extent of this in another post.

Back to “improved, but tender.”

Fairly recently I had a significant surgery to replace a faulty part. The recovery was as difficult as other people warned me about. It was painful and frustrating. There were setbacks and times I regretted doing it. I also felt recovery was taking too long but patience is a virtue II need to work on in general.

Now I have reached a point that I am not constantly reminded of the surgery by pain or obvious physical limitation. Does it still hurt sometimes? Yes. Does it still restrict my activities? Absolutely. The thing is,the pain is not nearly as bad as it was before surgery or the weeks thereafter.

Physical therapy followed surgery, a necessary evil as far as I am concerned. It was extremely beneficial. In physical therapy I gained the motion and strength I needed. To gain these things I had to stretch scar tissue (ugh!) and put in a lot of work outside of the physician’s office. It occurred to me that recovery from sexual, physical, and emotional abuse has similarities.

1. We have to recognize the original problem either on our own or with the assistance of trained individuals.
2. Tools are used to help see the inside in order to diagnosis the main issue.
3. We have to decide whether to do something about it. Unfortunately surgery is not an option for this kind of recovery.
4. If we decide to move forward, the work is going to be difficult and painful. We are going to fight through the roadblocks and setbacks that will come up.
5. We are going to need professional help to recovery. This can be found in individual therapy (recommended) and with a great group that can encourage. We are also going to need God’s help, the ultimate professional.
6. We not only need professional help, we need to do some of the work on our own. We need to journal, make connections, and practice new ways of doing things.
7. As we progress, the pain becomes less, scars of abuse are stretched so they no longer restrict progress, and we become so much stronger. We become free.

The potential improvement in our lives is immeasurable. So much can come from the freedom we experience.

Here is where the tender part comes in. I am not sure I will feel the surgery for years to come or if it will restrict activities forever, but I know I will be better in the long run. Same with recovery from the abuse. I want it to be tender though, simply because I want to make sure I remember what if felt like to go through the recovery and can help others. The tenderness will also help maintain a sense of empathy and compassion. I want that tender spot in my heart for others. I will never be a professional therapist, but I can hold the hand of another survivor, listen to them, and be there when they need me. With the tenderness of my own wound, I can reach out to others and hopefully help them heal the way others are helping me.

I know it seems odd to post an entry about starting recovery after 13 others, but this all really just came to mind. It is also posted under the "Getting Started" tab on the home page. Let me know what you think.