Professional Help

Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory. Proverbs 11:14.

There are some things that can be done without help. Recovering from abuse is NOT one of those things. I have no problem admitting I hate asking for help. I am convinced there are some situations God put me right in the middle of simply to teach me to ask for and accept help. I am still hard headed about this, but I am one the biggest supporters of therapy/counseling.

I started therapy as a teenager with my church pastor. Without a clear understanding of my problems there really was not a lot that could be done. I remembered a piece of one incidence of abuse but did not relate that to my depression and just overall feeling of yuckiness. I never told the pastor about it because I was uncomfortable saying those things in front of anyone, much less a pastor.

My first pass through a professional psychologist was after I turned 17. I had spoken to a guidance counselor at school about what happened. Before I knew it the police were called, I had to recount the event in front of a male police officer in the principal’s office. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. The silver lining is that it lead to professional help. My first counselor was a male and that lasted 2 sessions. It was decided I would be more comfortable with a female, which turned out to be true. I still only remembered a small piece but she helped me through the last bit of high school. I stopped seeing her when I moved to another state to attend college.

While away at school I met a man in the Navy and we started to date. I was 19 at the time. Around the 3rd or 4th date I told him about the abuse and had remembered a few more details at this point. I ended up comforting him! He was upset because it was getting more difficult to find a woman who was not already damaged. I should have run away from him at that point but we actually ended up getting engaged. It was at this point sex started to become a problem for me. I was not a virgin but his demands were uncomfortable and it was difficult for me. He actually suggested I start therapy again. His reasoning had less to do with me and more with his needs. He wanted me to be able to think about sex as much as he did, enjoy sex every single time, and give him a blow job on a regular basis, including while he was driving. I did find another therapist, but her methods were a little strange for me. She tried to hypnotize me and that was just not happening. She kept trying to take me back to my childhood through a variety of techniques that were very uncomfortable for me. I was so tense in her office that it just was not helpful.  I stopped seeing the therapist and ended the engagement.

Fast forward to age 24. My first husband and I met with the pastor of the church regarding marital problems. A Christian psychologist was recommended and we went to see him. Our marriage did not survive, but I finally had a counselor I was comfortable talking about my past with and was getting the help I needed.

I was inconsistent with therapy for many years. I would get to a point where I thought I was fine and stop, or it would get so difficult I would run away and submerge myself in denial. It took me a long time to really trust my therapist. I was full of shame and felt if he knew what all happened to me and the thoughts I had, he would send me packing or send me to a mental hospital. I was wrong and he has actually saved my life. He is completely understanding, non judgmental, and God knows how patient he is. God put this person in my life to help me deal with the abuse when I was not even looking.

The support group has also been a strong factor in my recovery. The group is facilitated by a professional, Christian counselor. The other ladies in the group are not professional counselors, but they are just as important. It is a group that understands, keeps confidentiality, and provides unconditional support. The combination of my individual work and group work has moved me forward more than I ever thought possible.

I give you my therapy history for a few reasons. One is to emphasize the need for it. Recovery from abuse is overwhelming and you need someone to help guide you in a safe way. It will need to be someone with experience with abuse survivors. Get recommendations from other survivors if possible. The second reason I have given my therapy history is to let you know that it may take a few tries to find the right one and sometimes it will just depend on where you are in recovery. A psychologist who takes on a teenager may not be the right one for an adult and vice versa. One psychologist might have methods that you are not comfortable with. If you are uncomfortable with your therapist’s methods or the person in general, establish help with another. Most psychologists want survivors to recover and are more than willing to make referrals or other recommendations.

It just so happens the psychologist I see has a strong faith. He has never pushed faith on me and never ever gives me a canned “Sunday School” answer. I am of the opinion that if a counselor/therapist/pastor/psychiatrist ever tells you to “just turn it over to God and move on” you should run quickly away from them. There is so much more to recovery. It requires a great deal of work and it is just impossible to just “turn it over.” I firmly believe God provides the strength and hope I need and want to move forward, but I still need to do the work.

I also want to point out that when and if you do find a wonderful recovery group, individual therapy should always be part of it. The individual therapy should come first, especially if you are just starting to process the abuse. Individual therapy will help you work through what you learn about or what triggers you in group.

Please know that once you start counseling you do not have to continuously push through. A good therapist will tell you when to take a break. The break may last a few weeks, few months, or even a year; just keep in mind you will need to go back. Taking time off will give you the opportunity to put into practice what you have learned. Stepping back will also change how you see your recovery. It is encouraging to see how much you have grown and gives hope and confidence for the rest of the journey.

Stay strong. Accept the help available to you and that which God has provided.