I continue to imagine hurting my abusers. I am human; it is going to happen. Writing my last post brought to the surface a lot of anger and desire to cause them pain. At times it feels like I fight these feelings every day. Several times in therapy and my journal I expressed the desire to make someone hurt as much as I. Wanting to punch, kick, and stomp a person so much they could feel my emotional pain was overwhelming.
For years I was afraid to tell my therapist about the raw desire to hurt others simmering in my soul. At first I was afraid he was going to kick me out of therapy because I was beyond redemption. When I had children I became scared he would take them away if he knew. The feelings terrified me. I did not want to be one of “them” but did not know if there was a point to fighting it. I honestly believed if I ever acted on the feelings or could not stand them anymore I would just end my life. I would not be able to live with myself either way.
Slowly I started to reveal this to my therapist. I was testing the waters, giving just a little at a time to gauge his reaction. There was never any judgement and eventually I spilled it all. Much to my relief family services was never called and I was not considered a hopeless case. He understood and declared the feelings a normal reaction to abuse trauma. In fact, he suspects a lot of victims become abusers out of the same desire to make someone feel their pain. It is not an excuse. Abusing a person is a choice, a way to mop up a selfish need at the expense of the victim.
As I wrote the last post and am writing this one, I am ashamed, not of my selfish desires to inflict pain as much as considering myself better than my abusers. While I have not abused a child or adult sexually or physically, I have hurt people in my life. I destroyed my first marriage out of selfishness, put my current marriage in danger, and have hurt countless others who have crossed my path with thoughtless words, lack of compassion, and an air of superiority.
We are all born with a sinful nature. Mistakes will be made and we will hurt others; it is unavoidable. Murder, physical/verbal/sexual abuse, and other violent acts will not enter the lives of everyone, yet the potential always exists. I am just as capable of murder as the next person. As nauseating as it feels to me, I am also just as capable of abusing another physically. It is my sinful nature. I can no longer deny its existence and am humbled by it. The sinful nature we are born into puts us all on the same playing field.
My abusers and I are not as different as I am comfortable with. Every cell in my body seems to scream that I am better than them. I want so much to believe there is a great void that cannot be crossed between us. My heart wants to cling to to the idea they are the scum of the earth and I royalty in comparison.
The first time God gently taught me all sinners are the same it was like taking a bullet. I was crushed and did not want to accept it. I fought against the idea and turned away from him, refusing to give up my royal status in the world. Unfortunately avoiding the truth hindered my recovery. I had to get honest with myself and God to keep going in recovery. I struggle with this truth so much. I do not want to show grace to my abusers. I do not want to forgive. I do not want to consider my sinful nature the same as theirs. It goes against my nature and the world’s nature.
What can I do? I can put myself on the long journey towards faith and surrender my pride. This is a moment-to-moment struggle a good part of the time. As I read His word and allow grace to enter my life for my sins, I will learn to extend the same grace to others, even my abusers. There is no earthly finish line in accomplishing this and it is not only about the abuse. Grace is something to be extended to everyone in our lives, no matter how difficult.
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