My Own Goliath

There are several things I love about the Bible, God’s word. One of those things is that is the Living Word; it is not stale or boring. It is never the same when you read it. There is always a new perspective on His truth. The truth remains the same but when you can come at it with a different state of mind you learn so much more.

Tonight the story of David and Goliath took on a whole new meaning for me. You would be hard pressed to find someone who has not heard this story. The first time is usually as a child, maybe in Sunday School or Vacation Bible School. If you grow up in a church you will hear it a few more times. I heard it again tonight and saw it in a different light.

David faced a giant that no one else would. The Philistine taunted the Hebrews, enjoyed their fear, and had full confidence in his ability to defeat them. You know who this sounds like? My abusers and the way I used to feel about myself.

My abusers fed on my fear, especially my first abuser. He threatened to kill my father if I told. No child wants to lose their father. In my mind the threat was extremely real. My father and this man were in the military and it seemed possible my father would not return. He used my fear to abuse me. Once he realized I was afraid he would follow through with his threat he had all the power. I was helpless and defeated.

As far as I know my abusers never really taunted me like Goliath taunted the Israelites. I did that to myself years later. I was constantly putting myself down and never really felt confident. I never felt like I was good enough. I bullied myself based on the actions of my abusers. It probably was not the only thing creating these thoughts but the abuse had a lot to do with it. A giant of self-doubt, helplessness, and crushed self-esteem lived inside of me for years.

Recovery has started to change all that. When I first started to remember the really horrible stuff, I felt like it would never get better and that I was not strong enough to get through it. I was suicidal. I felt like it was better to die than face all the pain in the journey ahead of me. My therapist and husband were constantly reminding me that suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Turns out Goliath was a temporary problem.

I do not have the strength to get through all of this alone. I need God and a group of very supportive people.

Goliath taunted God. And the Philistine also said to David, “Am I a dog, that would come to me with sticks?” And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.

I Samuel 17:43.

David had to convince Saul, the king, to let him fight Goliath. David did not care about the King’s promises for the person who killed Goliath. David told Saul of how God rescued him several times while he was a sheaperd. David had full confidence that God was with him. He had witnessed God save him. He walked with God and had faith in Him. David knew God would help him with Goliath. But David said to Saul “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, He will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” I Samuel 17:37a. Saul offered his armor but David faced him with the weapons he was comfortable with, a sling and stones.

David faced Goliath and killed him. He hit him with a rock and then cut off his head. I like to think I am working on the same victory.

I did not start to become truly victorious over my Goliath until I started to really see myself as God sees me. I had to see how he had rescued me previously in order to trust Him to see me through the rest of the battle. My battle has not been as short as David’s and is not over, but slowly and surely my Goliath is falling. I had to learn, and am still learning, to rely on God to provide the strength I simply do not have.

God knows we are not strong enough to face our Goliath’s alone. We need His help. We just need to put ourselves in a position to let Him work through us. We bring whatever strength we have and He provides the rest. And the Lord looked at him (Gideon) and said “Go in this your strength and deliver Israel from the hand of Midian. Have I not sent you?” Judges 6:14

David ran toward the Philistine. He faced his enemy without fear because he knew for certain God was going to take care of him. I can do the same and have in a lot of my recovery. I have faced a lot so far and there is more to go. David picked up 5 smooth stones to fight Goliath but only needed one. God’s Word is that stone for me. Whatever my enemy says to me about my worth and helplessness is contradicted in the Bible. There is an answer in the Bible to contradict every lie the enemy taunts me with. I can cut the enemy’s head off with the word. For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit Hebrews 4:12a.

I still have stones to through. The stones of shame, guilt, helplessness, and unworthiness for starters. These stones belong to my abusers. The guilt and shame belong to them, not me. I am not helpless with God and I can take comfort in my value in Him. He values me more than anyone on earth ever could.

There will come a time I will be able to cut the head off my Goliath. I will hold it up in victory and I hope those who see the changes in me will know that God provided the strength and deliverance.