Nightmares are inescapable and a part of everyone’s life. Some happen while we are sleeping and others are happening right in front of you. As survivors of sexual abuse we have experienced both.
Not all of my nightmares have been driven by the abuse. A horror or disturbing movie will cause them for me. I have been known to watch a Disney movie after a movie or show has left me uneasy and unable to sleep. With the deeper work through recovery, the more frequent the nightmares became. Several nights I woke my husband up screaming. I did not always remember all the details but always the feelings of fear, sadness, anxiety, and helplessness. Most mornings I was exhausted and my entire day was off.
I am not sure what was different about today, but I recalled a nightmare I had years ago, when I was sixteen and had just started therapy for the abuse. It stuck with me for years but I have not thought about for at least 15 years. There are not a lot of details but the ones I recall still bother me.
It started in circular all-white room. I was barefoot, wearing a pair of shorts and a pink shirt. If I had to guess my age, I was in my teens. The room was cold. Slowly the room started to darken. I was in the center and a dark blue haze was forming around the sides of the room. I was surrounded by the haze with just a tad bit of light coming from the ceiling. My feet were cold on the still white floor. I was anxious, confused, and frightened of the haze. Eventually I could no longer see the sides of the room through the haze. As far as I could tell, there was no way out. I began to fear suffocation. An arm with an outstretched hand materialized only inches in front of my face. There was no noise, just the arm. More started to appear and as I turned around I realized I was surrounded. My breaths became shallow and I lowered myself into a crouching position with my arms hiding my head. The hands never touched me and there was only the noise of my panicked breathing. I started to shiver from the cold and fear. There was the sensation of the blue haze closing in on my, making my spot of light smaller and smaller. At this point I either woke up or just do not remember if anything happened next.
This nightmare bothered me for years and I never understood why I could not shake it. Details of other bad dreams disappeared when my eyes opened; this one stayed. In fact, it shook me so much that every time a room was suddenly cast into darkness from a power outage or the lights were simply dimmed I would be taken back to the above nightmare. There were a few uncomfortable moments my senior year of high school when the power went out and I started crying in the dark. I lived in a very windy area and power outages were frequent. Eventually I learned to keep the panic and tears inside.
Dream interpretation is not something I have looked into. I do not believe any dream can be explained in its entirety. I looked at this nightmare as just that, a horrible dream as a result of the sexual abuse. The circular room without doors was my being trapped, helpless against the abuse. The blue haze everything I could not remember and the hands were those of my abusers, reaching to hurt me. I often thought some of the hands represented the doctors who treated me for numerous urinary tract infections or any abuse-related problem. There was a day an invasive test was done in order to diagnosis the recurrent infections. I was four and fought the doctors and nurses with all I had, which resulted in them restraining me with a sheet tied around a board. No one picked up on the sexual abuse. There was no escape from the room in my dream; I did not see a way out. It ended with me in a crouching position being overtaken by the haze.
As mentioned, today triggered the memory of the nightmare. I could track down the specific cause of the trigger, if I felt it necessary. As the day wore on I started to wonder if I was misinterpreting the dream.
The nightmare occurred at the start of treatment of the abuse, not before I started to remember and not in the middle of recovery. What if the white circular room represented the small world I created outside of the abuse? I hid it for so long and presented myself as the “good girl.” Everything was shiny and white and unblemished. The blue haze still could represent the memories still to be recovered, memories I have always been frightened of. The shiny world was becoming hazy. Instead of the outstretched arms and hands representing those who hurt me, what if they represented the memories and emotions I needed to grasp to clear the room? In the dream the hands never touched me; they were just there, surrounding me. What would have happened if I had touched one of them? Becoming smaller and trying to hide at the end of the dream could simply be my unwillingness to take these hands and discover the truth about my sexual abuse. The haze was surrounding me and closing in on me because there was no turning back. Once the door is opened and healing starts it cannot be stopped. It can be suffocating and terrifying. I have often felt like I was drowning in memories, emotions, and depression.
All the dream interpretation above could just be a load of bull. I could just be reading into something that has absolutely no meaning and has nothing to do with my abuse. My perspective on the dream has changed however. I have taken it from a nightmare to a dream representing the beginning of recovery.
The sixteen-year-old girl has grown up and her life is different. What was initially seen as a nightmare full of things wanting to hurt her has shifted into a dream representing what needs to be embraced and processed. Still just as frightening, but now representing a plan of healing.
My heart continues to skip a beat when a room suddenly becomes covered in darkness. I considered myself crazy because I reacted like a scared little girl when it happened. Honestly, who isn’t taken aback when the light disappears, even for a minute. It is unsettling but it does not have to be a huge deal; it can be a temporary inconvenience.
Getting caught up in the negative and nightmares of abuse is so easy we often do not feel it happening. It feels natural to take up residence in the hopelessness and see the world through a negative blue haze. Perspective is seemingly forever tainted by the abuse. Taking one step forward, however how small, we can clear our vision and see hope.
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