Hermit Mode

Admittedly I have become a hermit. If it were not for Facebook, I would have completely

disappeared. I was not exactly aware I was isolating myself until the other day.

I have kept in touch via text and email, but leaving the house, outside of work, has been a struggle. Excuse after excuse has been uttered by me to get out of going anywhere outside of daily function. Even the grocery store has been a chore. Some of my reasons have been legitimate but some of them were just a flimsy excuse to stay home. 

The last few weeks I have had to drag myself out of bed to wake the kids up for school. They go to different schools with different start times. I would get one up and then go back to bed until time to wake up the others. Once they were dressed and ready I would crawl back into bed until I absolutely had to get up and go to work. Once home I would perform minimal tasks to keep the house running and would retreat to my room for the evening under the guise of working. I did work some but not nearly as much as I should have. 

It had been a month since I had seen my therapist, mostly due to travel and medical issues. I was not desperate to see him and I considered myself in good shape. I blamed the dragging and isolation on a busy month and a desire to rest. When I went to my next therapy appointment I started to give my counselor a brief description of life since my last visit. As it turns out, I’m depressed. 

I did not see it coming. I did not want to see it coming. It all started to add however. My writing had slowed to almost a stop; nothing was completed. Was it because I was dodging facing whatever was making me tired and withdrawn? Yes. I convinced myself I was just taking a mini break or that I did not have anything to journal or contribute to recovery. 

The shattering of my denial by my counselor with the depression revelation did not immediately turn me around of course. I thought it would. I wanted it to work like a connection from the past to my future. There are moments when you connect a current reaction or mindset with the instigating factor in the abuse. The “AHA” moment. Once the connection is made, the transition and energy to change is apparent. Steps seem lighter as a sense of progress and growth burn bright in our hearts and minds. 

Pulling back the curtain on my depression was actually more depressing. I do not seem to have the motivation to pull out of it. I am not happy in this place but I feel I have cement shoes. I have made a few baby steps to move back into life. I have lethargically completed small projects around the house and made an effort to hang out with the family, but outside of work, I have not done anything social out of the house for a few weeks. I am not a fan of anyone I work with at the moment, so keeping to myself there has been fairly easy and not at all social. 

This coming weekend I have an event for my sons’ group. The place will be crowded with a lot of people I know with probably an equal amount of people I do not know. There will be a degree of fatigue as we will need to get up early and drive to an all-day function. I am mentally exhausted just writing about it. While I do have the option of not going, disappointing my sons, and feeling guilty, I really need to go. 

Another place I need to go is church this week for mid-week supper and study. I have failed to attend the last few weeks while my family went. I had work I could do from home but it was not critical. Admittedly I enjoyed the quiet in my usually active house. I slept or mindlessly watched TV a lot of the time. 

I will go this week, not out of a desire to leave the house and see friends, but in an effort to turn the depression around a little. I want to prove to myself I can move out of this horrible slump, even just a little at a time. I am hoping the momentum will keep me going and the weekend will be a little easier. From there maybe the fog will start to clear and I can start to understand the underlying cause of this big emotional dip.