When you start to think you are tired of dealing with the abuse or that you just do not have the energy to keep going it is scary. It is frightening to my soul and causes great concern for my counselors and support system.
This just hurts. I am weary and wish giving up was an option. Not necessarily suicide but I just want to forget the abuse again and live in blissful ignorance. In thinking about this, forgetting the abuse would take me back to age 11-13. Not a big time frame to live in and it certainly was not blissful. Even if I never remembered the abuse, the effects would have been lifelong and I would have had a hard time relating to others. I guess blissful ignorance is not possible either.
It appears continuing to recover or suicide are the options. I need to explore them a little further.
Suicide is not a reasonable option. I used to deeply believe it was and had plans for such. I still know the plans but several precautions are in place to control the possibilities. Truth be told, if I was really determined, none of the safety plans in place would stop me. I am not there however. It still crosses my mind but I will not be acting on it. Even though I am 98% confident I am safe, the 2% has me thinking of going into a hospital until the feeling passes.
What are the things stopping me from ending my life? There are several but some are stronger than others. Saying I need to stay alive for my husband and children seems easy. While taking my life would hurt them deeply along with other people who care about me, I really need about other reasons to keep fighting. I need to fight for me. If I give up, the abusers win. They have taken so much of my life already, why give them the rest? I need to take my life back, not give it up. This is what the 98% believes.
So what do I do? I start thinking about what is really driving the thoughts and push my outside resources to the surface. I will start with the outside resources in no particular order.
Hospital
The emergency room is a safe option. While I dread the stigma that comes from checking into an ER stating I am in danger of hurting myself, it makes more sense. If I cannot keep myself safe from harm, I need to be watched. It feels childish to have another adult keep you in their line of sight for hours or days at a time; however, it works. A few years ago I was in the hospital for being suicidal. I was released 5 or 6 days later. A lot of things took place in those days but one of them was a determination not to go back in the hospital. It turned my house upside down for awhile but therapy became more intense and more progress was made.
The last week I have considered going to the ER. I managed to talk myself out of it only because I considered more than just myself. I had a lot of responsibilities that week with my husband, kids, and appointments. Do not misunderstand, my family would rather I be safe and alive and I would have checked in if I had not come to the conclusions listed below.
PROFESSIONAL HELP
Plans are established by seeking advice; so if you wage war, obtain guidance. Proverbs 20:18
I have a professional counselor, who is exhausted by the way. He is not there to tell me everything is rosy and just hang on. He pushes me to reach in and deal with the pain. My doctor knows what I need to recover. Granted, he will encourage me to go to a hospital if I truly concern him, in fact, he instigated the hospitalization earlier this year. I was incredibly ticked off at him but it saved my life. Finding a therapist you trust may take time and it may not be the first few you see. Over the years I have seen five. These days I am wondering if I did not get anything out of sessions with the previous four because I did not put enough into it. Honesty is the only way to really make progress and establish trust.
My counselor can usually tell when I am hitting bottom and push the button needed to get to the
bottom of it. It can happen in one session or over a few, but he has forced me to see reality and gain a logical perspective several times (which has to be exhausting).
If you do not have a personal counselor, I urge you to seek a minister. Make an appointment and give them the opportunity to listen, help, and guide.
Telling Family/Friends
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. James 5:16
This is harder than it may sound. Who wants to worry family and friends? No one. Which family and/or friends want to know I am trouble? All of them. I had to make a promise to my spouse after my last hospitalization. I have agreed to let him know when my depression is worsening and/or when I am seriously considering hurting myself. I do tell him when the depression is getting worse but unfortunately I have failed to let him know when I am considering hurting myself and usually let him know after the fact. I am pretty sure I do not tell him beforehand to avoid constant questioning and the potential of being watched. I still want space to work things out. I hit a wall last week and did something that caused excruciating pain. Guilt and shame afterwards were heavy and I have resolved not to let it happen again.
A support system of friends that are going through similar things and some that are not is important. People who are going through the same understand where I am struggling. They can either sit with me and cry or show me how they have come through the same crisis. My friends who have not been abused are invaluable in a different way. These women pray for me when I ask and do not press for details. There is no judgement from either group. It is precious. I imagine ending my life will hurt them deeply and I do not want to leave them thinking they failed. Suicide is actually a selfish action no matter how you try to justify it. Not giving people a chance to help tells them you do not trust them to love you through heartache.
For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:20
GAINING PERSPECTIVE
Out in the open wisdom calls aloud, she raises her voice in the public square; Proverbs 1:20
Stubbornness is an inherited trait for me. If I am determined not to do any of the above, I need to work into a proper perspective. A wise man I respect once told me this time in my life is just a drop in the bucket in a lifetime. This is not a permanent state and is not always bad. If I get caught up in all the pain and struggle, I will forget all the good. Does this seem to trivialize the pain? It will make my eyes roll from time to time but it is correct. Everything in my life has not been traumatic and there were good times, even if it was just a few minutes a day. Hold onto those moments. There will be more. We never know how much time we have, which leads me to my next point.
GOD’S PLAN
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
God has a plan for my life and yours. I can guarantee he does not have a plan for us to end our lives before his set time. Giving up is disobedience. I was never promised life would be easy. God promises to never leave us and to lift us up. Suicide is disregarding all of his plans and promises.
Humans are incredibly imperfect and we cannot achieve perfection until we die and meet him in heaven. Meeting him ahead of schedule is not the design. You may think ending your life will just get you to heaven early (if you have accepted Jesus as your savior) and end suffering. God desires for us to live out his purpose for us. We affect more people than we realize. God realizes it and puts us in people’s lives and people in our life for specific reasons. I have come to the conclusion my job is not to alter God’s plan by taking my life but it is to listen to him and seek his purpose for me. He designed me to be an individual and I am honored that he thinks I am valuable tool for his work.
A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed. Job 14:5
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