For the most part I have been quiet the last couple of weeks. Why? I am not really sure. I have not felt like writing, talking, or being all that social. I have met with a good friend and have not completely isolated myself, but if given the opportunity, I probably would have disappeared completely for the last few weeks.
I cannot exactly pinpoint what is driving me right now. There is a cloud over me and a pressure on my heart. I have not been able to figure out what is going on. I am convinced it is not new memories or any surprises in my past. I think all of that is behind me. I am pretty confident I have gotten all the memories and just have emotional aftermath to deal with.
Clinically I can list the possible emotions causing my current state. I have heard them all several times and can define them quite easily. I can point to different times in my life where I have “processed” levels of grief over what could have been. I can show you elements of joy in my life and the level of healing I have reached. What I cannot tell you is what my real problem is right now. I do not know. I am just in a funk and have been for at least 3 weeks.
This prolonged mood may not have anything to do with the abuse or its aftermath, but there is a voice inside telling me it does. It is obviously something I am avoiding. I suspect if I really put a lot of effort into it the problem would surface and I could start to deal with it. I also suspect I am just tired of all of it and do not want to think about any of it. I am not giving myself permission because I am not going to like the outcome, as temporary as it might be.
What if I am avoiding forgiveness? To forgive is to let go. I have held on to all this for so long and never really fully put all the responsibility on the abusers. I have written at least one letter and mailed it to an abuser, letting him know I was no longer going to carry the burden of the abuse. I never did forgive though. By not forgiving and letting go of it I am still holding on. Why do I want to hold on to this? Is this a control issue? Yes.
What if I am avoiding responsibility? Moving forward is up to me. I can be pushed but ultimately I have to move my feet forward. Sex seems to be a major hang up for me right now. I cannot push through it right now. I was doing okay for a few months but now it is like I have hit a brick wall. Freedom is on the other side of that wall. It is a freedom I have never felt and it is terrifying. I will have to be aware of sex and my desires. It will be my responsibility to communicate these. I will have to be more in tune and involved than I have ever been. Control issue again? Yes.
What if I am avoiding telling the truth? I know where my worst abuser lives. It is a very safe distance, several states away, but I have put myself in an odd situation. I have communicated with his daughter and become friends with her on Facebook. She does not know the real story behind my contacting her. I was so obsessed with finding him for so long. I thought I needed to see his face. I found him last year. I used this woman to see the face of the man who hurt me the most. Maybe I know I am at a point where I need to take some sort of action. I am not sure it is about telling his daughter the truth. Maybe it has something to do with forgiveness? I am supposed to write him a letter? Am I supposed to forgive and walk away? Am I supposed to do both? Do I need to write him a letter that expresses my anger and forgiveness, even if I never mail it? Am I hiding from the emotions that will cascade over me if I do this? Control issue? Yes.
All of the above is causing the heaviness in my heart. I know it. I did not really see it until I started writing this post. I am not sure if I liked it better when I did not really know what was bothering me. Identifying the problem requires action. I believe that is what I am hiding from. I am afraid of change. Just thinking about the steps I need to take to move forward is making me tired.
It is time to stop hiding. More to follow.
No comments:
Post a Comment