Our Own Exodus

Sometimes it seems recovery is never going to end. We think we are getting close only to find out there is another level to reach or mountain to climb. It can be painful, discouraging, and downright frustrating.

I often wondered why all of the abuse and its effects could not wait until I was an adult to reveal themselves. As stated in an early post, I started to remembering small parts of it at 13. I am thinking it all could have just waited until years later when I could clearly see all I had to recover from at one time rather than dragging it out over several years. I used to think my progress and growth was slow because I was constantly running away from it. Now I believe that is only partly true. Not only was I running from dealing with the abuse and its effects, I was running from God’s healing power. I am not saying the process would have been faster, but may be I would  not have continued to run from it had I counted on God for the strength to keep going or grant me peace when it was time to take a break from it.

A recent Bible study session on Exodus gave me a different picture.

As ready as the Israelites thought they were to leave Egypt and slavery, they, as a people, were not really prepared. They were anxious to be out from under the control of the pharaoh and knew it was God’s plan. They raided Egypt and headed out across the desert with the spoils of Egypt.. I am sure none of them (including Moses) had a clear idea of what would happen next and I am sure God planned it that way. They were expectant of the ultimate result but thought nothing of the journey. I wonder if they thought it would be easy because God had done a lot to make escape possible.

The above strikes me as a similar principle involving recovery. As ready as I am to leave all this behind me, to be free from the boundaries of the abuse around my life, and jump into a new future, I have to be patient and wait on God’s timing. I have not ever been prepared to deal with it all at one time. No one is. I no longer have any doubts that God was always with me. He knew me then, knows me now, and designed my whole being. He has also designed my healing. A healing that could never take place instantly. .

Like most survivors, I did not get all my information at one time. It came a little at a time, with the exception of the information avalanche I received last year. Why? Because to get it all when I first remembered as a teenager would have been catastrophic and to get it all as an adult would have pretty much had the same effect. It would have been so devastating and overwhelming and I would have drowned in it. I honestly do not think I would have survived it mentally or physically. God’s plan is to help me rise above it, move forward, and not drown.

When the Israelites were lead out of Egypt God did not take them the short, direct route to where they are going because he knew they were not prepared. Had they gone the shorter route it would have been easier for the Egyptians to capture them. They were not organized and basically defenseless. He wanted to demonstrate his power and give them confidence in that power. He wanted them to learn to depend on him for their needs and safety. He wanted them to follow a redeemer and not a result.

God gave me information about the abuse a little at a time. I needed the opportunity to accept and deal with what was in front of me. At 13 I was not emotionally mature enough to handle anything except what God brought to the surface. My confidence in myself was low and I really had no fight in me. It did not even occur to me at that age I had anything to fight for. I really was not really connected to God at that time. I had accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior but I was not actively seeking him. At that point in my life it would not have occurred to me to seek his help.

When the Egyptians started to chase the Israelites in order to enslave them again, God parted the Red Sea so the Israelites could get away from them. Of course they were afraid of the Egyptians, but they saw the miracle God placed before them and walked to the other side of the sea on dry land. The sea closed around the Egyptians and they all drowned. God again rescued the Israelites from Egypt. The Israelites witnessed his power and most likely they gained even more confidence in God’s ability to take care of them.

The Bible study leader pointed out something about the above event that I had never thought of before. When God closed the Red Sea after the Israelites were safely on the other side, there was no way for them to turn around and go back. They were now separated from their captors with no possibility of them attacking again. There was also no way to return to the place that enslaved them. The parting of the Red Sea was not going to happen again. The only direction they could go from that point was where God lead them and it was forward, toward a new future.

Survivors of abuse have made it to the other side of the Red Sea safely. When I became an adult it became clear the physical abuse was just the beginning. The effects are really the problem and are holding me back. I stood at the edge of the sea and had to make a decision whether to return to the “comfortable awful” place I was in or trust God to take me on the journey to recovery. The sea parted and I started to walk to the other side. During this walk I was remembering everything that happened. The details of the abuse became clear along with the effects. Every step I took across the sea on dry land was a choice, a choice to move forward. I could have just stopped at any point along the way and turn around or just stopped, sat down, and waited for the sea to come crashing down around me. I really do not think God would have let me drown. We serve a patient and loving God. I believe the sea would have remained parted until I finally reached the other side, lifting me up when I was ready to give up. Once I reached the other side the sea came back together, drowning the enemy. The memories are all still there but now they are swirling around at the bottom of the sea, like the bones of the attacking Egyptians. The physical memories can no longer hurt me. To walk back into the sea would represent a lack of faith and certainly the death of hope. I cannot turn around. I cannot forget the past but now the only direction I have to go is forward, in the direction God is leading me.

God took care of the Israelites the entire time he was leading them to the promised land. He made sure they were fed, clothed, and protected. He lead them by a pillar of clouds during the day and a pillar of fire at night. All they had to do was obey and follow him. They made many mistakes, disobeyed, and complained but he still took care of them. They ended up wandering in the desert for an extra 40 years because of disobedience, but he never stopped providing.

God has taken care of me every step of the way. He has made provisions for my healing. I have his Word for direction. He provided a strong christian therapist, a faith-based support group, and has opened my eyes so that I can see how he has provided for me. He has plans for me and I need to follow the pillars of cloud and fire. When the pillars stop moving I need to take the time to see what God has brought me through, taught me, and how he has helped me grow.  Healing is done in his time, not mine. When God feels I am ready, the pillars start to move again and I am to follow and trust the direction he is taking me. Yes, there are times I complain, fuss, criticize, and just plain disobey but still he is there, providing for me and waiting for me to come back around..

Unlike the first generation of Israelites to leave Egypt, I will still see the promised land. On earth this will be freedom to live a life on the other side of the Red Sea, seeking and obeying God. The ultimate promised land is of course heaven and eternal life. .