Being Prepared...

I honestly thought I had all the memories of my abuse and recently found I was wrong. I dealt with it poorly to say the least. It is discouraging to think you are done recovering memories and then be overtaken by another one or two.

My sequence of events is as follows:

• Age 13: I remember a seemingly small detail of being abused at age 3.
• Age 16: A few more details of the same incident are remembered. I still only think it happened once.
• Age 26: I get most of the details of the above incident and start to realize it happened more than once with the same abuser. These new memories were mostly things that were said and very little actual physical detail.
• Ages 26-42: Focus on the 3 times I remember from ages 3 to 5 and the one time when I was 8 years old.
• Age 42: I got details upon details while writing my story for group. All were different situations with my main abuser. I was completely overwhelmed and just emotionally leveled. I wrote all the details down and a few weeks later felt confident I had all the memories and could start working more on the aftereffects.
• Age 43: Worked through a lot memories and by God’s grace and a lot of outside help, I was lifted out of the pit.
• Fall age 43: A person close to me told a benign story that ended up triggering a memory of abuse at age 10.
• Winter age 43: Full memory of what happened at age 10 returned. It threw my life off for the better part of a week. I fell into some old destructive “coping skills.”
• A week later: Another memory from age 4 hits. It felt like I had been hit in the chest. All bad, self-destructive coping mechanisms took over and I had no concern for my own safety.  

Honestly I was extremely discouraged by the emergence of new memories. I felt like I had been gut punched and entered into a deep level of depression I had not been to in a long while. I felt like I had started all over. I lost my direction and was close to being hospitalized to keep myself safe. I was not suicidal but definitely in a self-mutilating place. I slept so much and had no energy. I felt guilty because I was taking time away from my family due to the depression, which made the depression worse. I was lost and just seemed to exist rather than live.  

At each level I thought I was done with actual memories. The emotional aftermath is all I thought I had to deal with, which is still a monumental task. I believed as long as I had all the memories I could focus on recovery and was not prepared for more. I had all the tools in place and just needed to use them. It was almost like having a disaster kit in the house and not being able to find it when the disaster actually occurred. Instead, I created a mess. If I had taken several deep breaths, really focused on the present, sought help sooner, and looked toward Jesus, those 2 to 3 weeks would have been different. I am not saying I would not have been depressed, but maybe it would not have been so crippling.

Somewhere during the end of those 2 to 3 weeks the following verse showed itself to me.

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19.

The new memories changed absolutely nothing. I already knew I was abused. I already knew I survived it. I already know several ways it has affected my life in the past and present. I already know the ways to work towards leaving all of this in the past and live in the present. I was not only stunned by the memories, but was also stunned by my seemingly hopeless reaction. My therapist and a couple of friends helped me take a step back and take the time to remember the positive tools I have in place to get through these times.

What are the positive coping tools I have now? There are 3 main ones.

Journaling

Journaling is a tool I need to use more often. Before I cut or do something counterproductive, I need to write down what I am feeling at that moment. Chances are by the time I am done writing (typing) the feeling will have passed or the intensity will have lessened. My perspective changes and most of the time logic will overcome the emotion. I always have some sort of notebook and pen with me. On the off chance I do not, I have been know to write on the back of a receipt. The point is to get it out in a tangible way to regain a sense of reality and get the junk out of my head. I have been known to hesitate to write, because, to me anyway, putting it on paper means I cannot deny it anymore and have to accept it happened. It is not always pleasant but there ways it can be. I can also journal the progress I have made, the dreams I have for the future, and look to those entries when the negative thoughts are taking over.

Friends

Telling a friend I am struggling is a relatively new tool for me. I have had 2 ladies at church that I can tell I am struggling the last couple of years,  but group has been my best source. All the women in group understand and details are not required. If I want to give details, nothing will shock them. They will encourage me and remind me of how far I have already come. They will encourage me to seek help from my therapist and will pray for me. This is an extremely valuable tool (resource). Asking for help can be extremely difficult for me because I hate to admit I am not strong enough to handle things on my own. I am learning to admit it and each time I ask for help it gets a little easier to do ask the next time.

Jesus

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:6, 8.

The biggest resource  I have is Jesus. Admittedly there are moments and even days that I am so overwhelmed I cannot find the words to pray. Jesus knows my heart and nothing is hidden from him. It may seem that since he already knows I do not need to pray, but we all do. Acknowledging his presence and calling on Jesus is what we need to do. We need to admit we need his help, strength, and hope. We need to say it out loud. If I cannot find the words, all I simply need to do is say his name. I can also ask others to pray for me. I do not necessarily need to give them the reasons, yet they will pray for whatever it is I need. Jesus is a comfort and is always there. Always. I can look to him and know he will never let me down. He is the perfect resource.

Putting all of this into practice takes a lot of time and effort. Bad habits are difficult to break and new ones are harder to form. I will not always be successful, but I hope to get closer and closer and really think about my positive resources before I act on self-destructive habits. The path of recovery is not a straight line but stay on it, as it will get you where you are free.