Anger? Forgiveness? Freedom?

I am still working on strategies to defuse the huge amount of anger I am holding onto. In my therapy the concept of forgiveness and justice has been discussed before but I really started thinking about it over the last few days. Could it be that one of the reasons I cannot defuse the anger is that I cannot really forgive my abusers? Could it be that I will never see any sort of justice that will equal what I have been through and that angers me? How much of the anger would dissipate if I really forgave my abusers and gave up on the possibility of earthly justice?

I believe when we die we will stand in judgement before God to atone for our sins. My therapist has told me that we will feel the pain we have caused others, even if they have forgiven us and we have asked God for forgiveness. Knowing how I have hurt others in the past and will in the future whether intentional, big or small, makes this concept rather frightening. It also encourages me to be more aware of my actions in the future.

When I think of my abusers standing in front of God and being made to feel the pain they caused me, it still does not seem like enough. It does not seem that a few seconds, or however long it is, comes close the years of pain I have endured due to their actions. Yes, I do recognize the double standard here.

Do we place more value (degree) of sin above other sins or offenses based on how much hurt is caused? Who quantifies hurt? Is the sin of gossip less of an offense than adultery or abusing a child or adult? In God’s eyes sin is sin. There are no levels or degrees of sin; they are all equal.

There will never be real justice for any of the "offended." If there is ever jail time, some sort of lawful punishment, or even death, the desire we have for the offender to feel the emotional pain we have suffered will never come to fruition. The only true way for them to feel it is to experience the same betrayal and sexual assault. Out of anger and/or hurt we may want to inflict this damage on them personally, but this in turn makes us the offender and has resolved nothing. The contribution of earned guilt to our already misplaced guilt could be catastrophic. To break the cycle of abuse, we have to choose to let go of the revenge. Not an easy task and admittedly I have done my share of revenge plotting.

I cannot have the relationship God desires to have with me with this lack of forgiveness and desire for revenge for my abusers. My heart is divided between wanting a closer relationship to God and the spiteful anger and bitterness I am holding onto.

If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand. Mark 3:35.

I am that house divided against itself. Judgement and justice are not mine to disperse. It is God’s. His command is for us to love, forgive, and not hate. We need to apply the grace he has given us to those who hurt us. I should be praying for their salvation and not their destruction. This almost seems impossible. So far I have not been able to do this and it hurts. To be honest, there are times the thought of praying for my abusers’ salvation turns my stomach, but it is ultimately what I am commanded to do.

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.“But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:19-21.

I believe every time we help each other, put a piece of the abuse behind us, grow, and heal, we are engaging in a type of healthy “revenge. We are taking our lives back. We will never know what will happen when our abusers come face to face with God, but we need to pray for their salvation. Is it not better to pray they have come to know God’s grace and not abused another person than to plot their ultimate destruction? Acts 26:18 ‘to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me.’

What would happen if I met my abusers again in heaven? Would they try to apologize? Will I even need it at that point? Will they ask for forgiveness? I will be in heaven, ultimately forgiven by God and granted eternal life. Nothing that happened on earth will matter anymore. How can I not forgive these men when God has forgiven me so many times and given me his grace?

I need prayers from other people to help me forgive. I wish it was easy but it might be the hardest thing I need to do to heal.  When I forgive these men I am not only following God’s command to do so, but I am gaining freedom from that anger. My “house” will start to come together and will no longer be divided.

I will pray for you. Please also pray for me, so we may all have freedom.