Change in Perspective

This is a short post and I usually do not post twice in the same week, but I had to get this out.

Very recently I had a heated discussion with the psychiatrist prescribing my medication. During the month prior to this visit several things happened that left me extremely irritated with her. At this particular visit we went through the usual song and dance about my progress with my actual therapist and whether my medication was working. I was in a defensive stance through most of it and then she asked if I had any questions. It was on at that point. I asked my questions about her past actions and she answered them with an air of deniability. She finally told me that most psychiatrists/psychologists do not like to deal with patients with my diagnosis because we are “too needy.” She then tried to offer advice and things I should work on with my therapist. I was down to one-word answers at that point. I left her office incredibly angry and I had a sense I had at least irritated her also.

The above is not the point of this post, it is my reaction. I left her office angry, hurt, overwhelmed, and depressed all at the same time. I was angry because she was incorrect about a couple of events and claimed I had things confused. I was angry because played my diagnosis against me. The anger seemed fairly justified to me.

I got in my car and my thought was “How dare she make me feel like this?!” I disappeared into my depression. I was immediately fatigued and could only focus on the words she said that hurt me and gave me doubts about myself. It all started to sound familiar. My abusers gave me doubts about my self worth and said words that hurt me. I am not saying the psychiatrist abused me, but she brought up the bad self perspective I have been fighting for years.

Later I realized I did it to myself. I let her make me feel this way. I allowed the hurt and depression to sink into my heart and ruin the rest of my afternoon. This is a person who barely knows me, sees me 15 minutes tops every couple of months or so, and I considered her opinion of me higher than the ones of my family, friends, and more importantly, God. I cannot say I will never have a knee-jerk reaction like that again, but I know that as long as I step back and seek God’s help, He can change my perspective and point me in His direction.