Anger Eruptions

Recently I created a situation that scared me. I experienced a taste of the amount of anger buried deep inside. Anger is probably the wrong word. Rage seems more appropriate.

I had been frustrated for a couple of days over a misplaced item. I was frustrated with myself and my husband for not putting forth the same amount of commitment and effort into finding it. This situation has presented itself on several occasions over the years and in some cases I had just accepted it and moved on. This was different for no logical reason.

I erupted. In the course of 10 minutes I had called my husband a name that was not endearing, cleared an entire desk in one fell swoop, and threw a 3-way sorter laundry basket across the room. I destroyed our bedroom to the point walking through it was nearly impossible. I gathered my pillow and quilt and went to the guest room. My husband and I had never slept in separate rooms before and it felt strange doing it. I had completely gone off the deep end.

I laid in the guest room, still fuming, with a few small tears trickling down my cheeks. I did not sleep well at all. The rage was gone and I was now feeling guilty and ashamed. My husband did not deserve what I called him. The frustration that erupted into rage had nothing to do with him. Frustration-yes. Rage-no. I had hurt my husband and created a huge mess for me to clean up. I had lost control to the point of causing significant damage. I was frightened by my actions. It was raining that night and noise from the water dripping from eaves onto the roof was distracting and made it more difficult to sleep. Around four in the morning I went into the bedroom and slept in our bed, mostly because I did not want our kids to see me sleeping in another room.

As the next day wore on, I started to realize I really did know where the rage came from. I know it was from a deep place within my soul that I had never wanted to touch; a place so very dark and scary. It came from all the anger from the abuse I have been suppressing.

When I told my therapist about the eruption he was surprised. He said “That does not sound like you.” I had never acted like that before. Sure, I have been frustrated before but I had never become enraged. The event was a big indication I have a great deal of work to do regarding anger.

In therapy and group I have processed a lot of stuff. I have remembered incredibly painful and horrible memories; learned ways to cope with shame, false guilt, real guilt, sadness, depression; and I became more self aware in several areas. I learned how to let go and embrace positive things rather than dwell on the negative. I learned to safely approach things and take chances on new things at the same time. I have not dealt with “blind with rage” kind of anger.

I am truly uncomfortable and frightened at the degree of anger/rage inside. I have no idea how to deal with it safely and it seems impossible. My therapist has assured me there are safe ways to defuse and cope with this and I trust him. I have no idea where this is going to take me, but I do know what I will fight to keep from going off the deep end again.

I will fight the temptation to turn this towards myself. I have spent so many years hurting myself physically and emotionally for things I am not responsible for. As I write this I am fighting the urge to cut or cause other bodily damage. I cannot be sure that I will successfully fight this every time, but I have a strength I did not recognize before, a new level of growth, and the assurance God is fighting this with me. I also realize that if I do not succeed, it is not the end of the world and I can see it for what it is----a setback and not a fall off a cliff.

I will fight to keep from taking it out on those around me. The rage comes from the abuse and is where it should be directed. No one else deserves it. This will be tough with the rage this close to the surface. I will need to be more self aware and will need to made a concentrated effort to act and not react. Reacting can be dangerous and unpredictable. I do not want to be unpredictable in an unsafe manner. I do not want to punish others for something my abusers did.

I will not let this take away my faith. My anger is not directed at God. I have accepted his love and sacrifice for me. He has been with me always and will continue to be there. I will find strength to fight as long as I seek him. I need to keep these thoughts ahead of the angry ones.

I have more to say about all of this, not necessarily how to cope with it, but maybe just identifying where it comes from. It is too simple to say it comes from the abuse. It is so much more complicated. There is more than one type of anger created from the abuse and reasons why we suppress it. I need to start sorting through this and get to the other side.

More to follow….