The Other Side

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age,  Titus 2:11-12

The next series of posts may make me very unlikable but I am going to chance it.

Most television shows, movies, and books indicate child molesters and/or child rapists are considered fair game in prison and they are often killed or raped themselves. Recently I watched a police drama in which the main character told the sexual offender “prison inmates are going to enjoy meeting you.” Am I the only one who sees this as contradictory to the purpose of the police?

I cannot think of a crime more heinous than child abuse and sexual assault. There is a rage that starts in the core of our being because children are helpless. The physical and emotional trauma is overwhelming and takes years to work through. Looking at my nieces and nephews and thinking about what happened to me at their age will stir a primal anger in my body.  Abusing the helpless is a coward’s crime and I believe it could be one of the reasons the sexual offenders are at the bottom of the prison hierarchy.  Does it indicate justice if an abuser is raped?

I want to look at this from a different angle.  Yes, I was abused and have spent many years recovering my life, but I have a life to recover.  Any time I have told others about the abuse or led them to my blog, they will tell me how sorry they are it happened and will even express a sense of anger.  I get that. Children are abused, raped, molested and then murdered and it is horrific. We imagine their suffering, fear, and pain and react, which is totally normal.  

Here is the unpopular part.  Why would we wish this on anyone else? In the name of justice we think it is okay for an offender to be raped or abused in prison. Why? Does this bring justice to their victim(s)? No. There will not be justice on earth that will ever make up for what was done.  There is a part of me that wished my abuser could experience even a little of what he put me through, to experience the helplessness, betrayal, and pain.  The feelings were born purely out of revenge, a selfishness blinded by anger.  A few months ago I felt cheated out of revenge and justice.  I could have very easily upset my abusers lives simply by exposing them or telling their families.  Now I am relieved I did not act out of revenge.  It would have served a selfish purpose and my recovery is not dependent on it.  

As children of God we are called to forgive and love another as Christ loves us.  I am not in a place to really love my abusers this way, but forgiving them and giving my demand for revenge to God has brought a sense of peace.  It is not taking up as much space in my brain as before.  

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

There is not a hierarchy for sins.  Sin is sin.  No one is better than anyone else.  Society seems to be judging sins in order to set themselves apart from others.  Criminals do need to be punished and order established in that way.  However, I no longer feel abusers should experience abuse and/or rape as we did.  

For Christ also died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God, having been put to death in the flesh, but made alive in the spirit; 1 Peter 3:18

Seek and Set Free

 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32

Last time I described my search for my first and worst abuser. I listed several questions I struggle with regarding what to do next. Should I mention the abuse to his daughter or even just ask for his specific address and send a letter to him personally? Now that I have found this man, do I really need to take a chance on confronting him? The only answer I have been able to come up with is “No.”

There is a pastor I will send blog posts or even general questions about recovery. This is a person I respect and who will always tell me the truth, regardless of whether I really want to hear it. The perspective I gain is invaluable because it is objective and honest. Having a person to bounce your questions off of and who has an insightful outside-looking-in view is priceless. I sent him my last blog post and the response still has me in tears. Reality and conviction will do that.

I have been going about this with the wrong attitude. My initial search started because I just wanted to see the rest of his face. I knew his body type and could even recall the coldness or indifference in his eyes, but the rest of his face was never really clear. I wanted to see his face. I thought I needed confirmation that he was the one who abused me. The thing is, when I finally got the full picture, I just did not walk away satisfied. I became friends with his daughter via Facebook. What was I hoping to gain from doing this?

Initially I convinced myself that becoming friends with her I would get a glimpse into his life and what kind of person he had really become. A small part of me was disappointed he was not on the sex offenders website but even that disappointment is so very misplaced. If he was on the offender’s list, it would have meant he abused someone else and was caught. Why would I want him to abuse someone else? There is absolutely no chance he will ever be lawfully convicted for what he did to me. I used to pray that I was his only victim, that he had found Christ, and turned his life in a better direction. If I really and truly meant this prayer, I never should have looked for him on the offender’s website. Doing this completely negates my prayer and displays a lack of faith that it would be answered.

Now I know who he married, where he worked for the last couple of decades, how many children and grandchildren he has, and where he lives. To what purpose? Did I honestly think this information would give me insight into why he abused me or even into his overall character? I guess I did but I was way off. I found benign, statistical information. Nothing about it provides anything useful. It does not give me the why, tell me if he remembers what he did, or even if he regrets it if he does. It has become heartbreakingly clear to me that anything information I gleaned after the picture was purely out of a vengeful and selfish heart.

My heart and mind overall are split over this whole mess. One side is so boiling angry and wants to destroy this man’s life or just screw it up like he did mine. I want him to suffer similar setbacks and a life of distrust, self abuse, and times of crippling depression. I want him to know what it feels like to want to kill yourself because it seems easier than slogging through all the painful emotions. I have no doubt many abuse survivors feel the same way.

The other half of me knows I need to forgive and just let go of him. Obsessing over his destruction or ways to mess with his life is only hurting me and my relationships with people who really care for me. Most importantly, it is distracting me from a healthy and healing relationship with Jesus. This man forcefully took a lot of things away from me and I was helpless to stop it. Now, by concentrating on him and his family, I am continuing to let the abuse take over my life. It is my choice at this point. I am no longer that helpless, naive little girl. I am an adult, a survivor, and able to make my own decisions. I am giving him space in my head that can be used for something much more productive and meaningful.

As long as I am concentrating on what I think I should do, I am going nowhere. I am not moving forward. I am not relying on God to get me through this. I have taken the controls and I will crash land at some point. I am not putting faith in Jesus to handle him and his heart. I have become prideful and stubborn. Well, I was already stubborn, now I am just making it worse.

What difference does having his location really make? A part of me is comforted in that I know I will never run into him. He and his family are several states away. Before I found his daughter I pretty much already knew what state he lives in. Why did I really need to find his address? I have considered writing him a letter, a letter like I wrote a different abuser. I will probably still write one but there is no way I will send it, especially not now.

I am not afraid to send him a letter. He really cannot hurt me anymore. Sending a letter is for my purpose. It is a way to get all my words about the abuse out of my head and on paper along with a good deal of emotion. It is a way to communicate to myself. I will then reach the anger, hurt, grief, and sadness contained in my body out in the open. Sending the letter to him will not change its effect on my healing/recovery.

I need to let this information go and no longer obsess about it. This man has occupied enough of my life and taken up enough of my time. I still have work to do with my recovery, but focusing on him is not going to help. It is time to move forward.

Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31b-32.