Letting Go of Fear

The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27.1.

I have been thinking a lot about fear the last few weeks. All of us are fearful several times in our lives for multiple reasons. My thoughts have focused on the fears enhanced or brought about by my sexual abuse. Some of my fears were unknown to me, I just acted on them unconsciously. I believe an important part of my recovery is identifying these fears and moving past these.

I have identified the following:

The fear of:

1. Losing control or consent of what happens to my body sexually.
2. Intimacy and vulnerability.
3. Trust.
4. Acceptance once I revealed I was abused.
5. What life will hold when I learn different ways of handling things in a positive way, thinking of the future, and not being stuck in the past.

I could probably come up with a much longer list but I believe these are the biggest I have faced and need to face right now.

Losing Control or Consent

I have no doubt that this applies to just about every victim of sexual abuse. I remember being very cautious while dating and labeled a prude my first couple of years of high school. At one point that was no longer the case but I found myself dissociating in most situations involving sexual contact of any kind. I surrendered and never really expressed anything I needed or wanted. This carried through my first marriage. After my marriage ended, I became the opposite. I was militant about my needs and nothing was done without my consent. My body is mine and no one was going to take advantage of it again. End of story. Between marriages I went a little crazy and thought I was controlling men with sex. When I remarried I had total control of our sex life. I was in charge of when and what we did. My husband has never been anything but gentle and understanding with me, and yet I was not willing to give him any say in our sex life. When he initiated sex and I agreed my thought process included the statement “He wants sex and it is my choice to give it to him.” It was never “I love him and I am glad we can do this in a mature, loving relationship.” For the record, this is not the best way to handle sex within the confines of marriage.

I did not initially grasp the reasoning behind my behavior. I came to the crushing realization that I was trying to control sexual situations in my past while living in my future. I was hurting my husband, a man who loves me seemingly unconditionally. I am not saying my body is his; it is still mine, but I can give myself to him in a loving way, the way God intended in a married relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I am still really protective of my body and I have come to blows over someone doing something inappropriate, but it is not driven by fear. It is driven by a desire to keep me safe and my marriage safe as well.

Intimacy and Vulnerability

For the longest time I have joked about the wall around my heart. I described it as steel reinforced, bars on the windows and door, and surrounded by a moat full of alligators. No one was ever getting in no matter who they were. At a minimum, everyone was kept at arm’s length (my children are the exception to this. They had my heart from the positive pregnancy test). I earned a reputation as being hard hearted and just not caring about how anyone else felt. This was not necessarily true but I did not know how to express it without letting my guard down.

I did not know what I was missing. I heard women, and even a couple of men, describe a desire to have intimacy with someone; to have a connection that felt safe and comfortable. I had no idea what they were talking about. The thought never crossed my mind. Somewhere deep inside I was afraid of it and did not know it. I was afraid to become intimate and/or vulnerable with anyone in case they took advantage and I feel abused all over again. I have slowly begun to open myself up to my husband, sharing things with him, and letting him know what lies below the surface person I present. This has happened in baby steps but I have to say it feels great and has strengthened our marriage. I feel the draw of intimacy and vulnerability in a loving marriage with a man who would rather die than do anything to hurt me. As a result, he has become more open with me. It is difficult not to dwell on the time we missed, but it is easy to look forward to the time we have ahead of us.

Trust

Again, I think this goes without saying. Most abuse victims do have major trust issues. I believe this ties in with intimacy and vulnerability. I trusted those who abused me to keep me safe and not cause hurt. They violated that trust in a despicable manner. Now trust is difficult to say the least. How do you trust anyone not to hurt you again? How do you not expect the worst from people? I think you start with God and work your way down to earth. God is consistent and loves us. People are not consistent. A big part of learning to trust has to do with accepting that other people are human and are going to make mistakes, including ourselves. In my mind this does not include our abusers. The sexual abuse makes them untrustworthy forever. Perfection lies with God, not humans. The trick is to not exaggerate our reaction when someone hurts us. It is unfair to pin an emotional reaction based on abuse on an unsuspecting person in our life, one that has absolutely nothing to do with our abuse.

Acceptance once I revealed I was abused

The fear of how someone will react when we tell them of our abuse can be overwhelming. We already feel like we are damaged and not worthy of being loved. We do not want others to think the same of us. There are those who will not react well. I had a boyfriend go into a rant about how he had not been able to find a woman that had not been “damaged.” I ended up comforting him. Needless to say the relationship ended fairly quickly.

It will make some people uncomfortable. There are others who will provide an uncomfortable amount of sympathy right off the bat, and there are those who will keep a comfortable distance and offer to help if needed. Whatever the reaction of who we tell, it is their reaction and has nothing to do with us. I feared that anyone I told would see me the way I would see myself: Damaged, broken, unworthy, and unlovable. I still have to be mindful about who I tell, but 99% of the time the reaction is far less traumatic than the one I had built up in my head.

What life will hold when I learn different ways of handling things in a positive way, thinking of the future, and not being stuck in the past.

This fear is driven by having to step out of my comfort zone, no matter how destructive and negative this zone is. For over 30 years I have lived with the shadow of the abuse over my life. I have let it drive decisions and still do. Embarking on a life that is not driven by the abuse and is driven by faith and hope is terrifying because it is completely new. For the longest time I never imagined a life without the abuse affecting it. It is uncomfortable just because I have never experienced such a life before. It almost feels like moving to a foreign country with a different language. Like with the intimacy and vulnerability, I am taking baby steps and I have fallen backwards on several occasions. The difference is I have continued to make an effort to move forward and not focus on the setback. I am not always as successful at this as I would like to be, but deep inside I know there is hope. I have seen it in other survivors and look forward to what my life will be. I am still unsure of what it looks like, but it certainly has to be better than the alternative.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11