How many times in life do you hear someone is “almost back to their usual self?” In my profession I hear it quite often in reference to people recovering from an illness. When it comes to recovery of sexual abuse, this is not necessary a good thing and it leads to unfamiliar territory.
Before I made a concentrated effort to recovery last year, I really did not think my “usual self” was all that bad. I felt content and felt I was “cured.” I really was not and there is really not a cure for this. The best we can hope for is freedom for the abuse affects, an escape from our usual self.
Here are some traits that are/were part of my usual self.
I was closed off and practically untouchable. I pretty much knew I was closed off and still have issues with it. I was not known as a comforting person. If someone became emotional in front of me, I could try to give a hug and try to think words of comfort, but I felt nothing. No empathy or sympathy. When I did get upset and even cry, I did not want anyone to hug or comfort me. A couple of times when I was crying or even sobbing, I heard from the person near me that they were afraid to hug me because they felt I might slug them.
I was actually caught off guard by the above statement. I never realized I was putting out that vibe. I am still putting that vibe out there. I have not been able to identify what it is about me that projects it, but I am hoping to figure it out and change it. My mother and husband are the only exceptions and even then I have to allow myself to show the ugly emotions. The wall around my heart keeps people from getting in but it also keeps me from getting out to help others.
I no longer want any of the above to be part of my usual self.
Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:2-5
As mentioned in previous posts, when I do get upset or feeling really hurt, I turn it in on myself most of the time. I am still working on more productive and constructive ways to handle all this. My first instinct is still to hurt myself physically. Anger and guilt are the main emotions that bring this on. It is a somewhat vicious cycle. I get angry, cut, feel guilty over it, and start all over.
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. Proverbs 16:32.
I definitely need this to no longer be part of my usual life.
This blog and keeping a journal are helping. It gives me a tangible, somewhat logical level of awareness. It makes it easier to see what is really going on in my head and heart. If I can see what the problem really is, it makes it easier to know what I still need to process or what needs further investigating. It gives me the ability to make connections in my past and present and resolve them. It is a more positive, constructive way to recover. This will lead to my no longer being my “usual self.”
He who is slow to anger has great understanding, But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly. Proverbs 14:29.
The second we start to recover, there is no way to return to our “usual selves.” Even if you are just remembering the abuse, things are no longer as they were. You will never be the same person and now you have a choice. The choice to return to the part of your life where you did not remember is not there, but the choice to recover is. Do you move slowly forward or just stay stuck in this awareness? In all honesty, I have done both. I would work on it, get to something uncomfortable, and just stop therapy. I would stay stuck in whatever mode I was in until I was more willing to keep going. This was usually brought on by my becoming aware of a new issue I needed help with. Fortunately, I have a very patient therapist.
Patients who are recovering from an illness or the treatment for it often have a goal to return to their usual self and usual life. Depending on the severity of the illness, this may not be a complete option for them either. There may a return to some normalcy but they also are changed.
What I have seen, especially in myself, is a fear of what is to be. Every step forward leads to a new way of living, moving past what used to be the norm. I have to discover who I am apart from the abuse. It is creating a new identity. I have been living in the shadow of the abuse for years, even before I remembered it all. I have discovered new ways it has affected my life and I need to change the meaning, change the motivation. I need to look at sex with my husband as a loving, intimate action rather than something I feel obligated to do. I need to look at life as hopeful and put this behind me.
The scary thing about all this is that I have no idea what this looks like. Many survivors are uneasy about who they will be or what their lives will look like as a person who was abused and not a person who is defined by the abuse. We must take steps forward; however small the may be, and make this something that happened to us and not who we are.
We are children of God and we must have faith in him and trust him with our future. He defines us. He knows who we are and has planned a future for us without the abuse being the main component. He has given us the strength to make it to whatever level we are on and will help us get to the next level. He wants us to grow in him and in life.
For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11.
There are days that I can barely hold onto to this hope and the future God has planned for me. I know it is there. I know it is better than what I used to consider my “usual self” and is full of hope, love, and joy. Faith is defined as confidence or trust. I have confidence that my faith will lead to this joy and trust in God. I must let go of life as I knew it and embrace the future he has for me.
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