Flashbacks

There are some days I am not sure what is worse, the flashback itself or the after effects. Today I am referring to a new flashback, an incident I had not remembered before but had a fuzzy image of. Flashbacks in a situation I have already remembered seem to be more unexpected for me. What seems like a random trigger will send me back in time, into the middle of the memory.  This was different.

I knew there was something sitting in the back of my brain waiting to get out. I had been feeling uneasy for weeks. It is almost like I sensed it was coming to the forefront. I pushed it back as much as I could, trying to stay busy so the memory would not have an opportunity to present itself. This past weekend things were really bad inside of me. The temptation to hurt myself was overpowering and I lost the battle. I was moody, depressed, and so very anxious. I did not want to put pen to paper because I was afraid of what may come out.

When I went to bed Sunday night I felt oppressive sadness. I was no longer anxious, just very depressed. When the house was finally quiet and I was lying the silent darkness, I got hit with the memory. It was like getting hit in the chest and having the breath knocked out of me. It was an isolated incident when I was 10. I so desperately wanted to just fall asleep and have it stop, but that did not happen. My body was tense and drawn up. I frantically tried to remember the coping skills and the ways to talk myself out of the flashback learned in therapy. It finally stopped and I was exhausted. I wrapped myself in the bed covers and fell into a very fitful sleep.

Now I am the day after and still so weary. I realize at some point I will have to write out the details, not because I want to torture myself, but because it is best way for me to get it out in the open. Once it is no longer contained in my consciousness it becomes possible to pick it apart, control it rather it controlling me, and deal with some of the after effects. I can already name a few possibilities of how it affected me. Once I write this out I will be free of its choke hold. Once I share it with my therapist is loses a little more of its power.

I get tired of thinking I am done with memories and flashbacks and finding out I am wrong. It is frustrating and disheartening. It all sits in my chest like a dark mass that cannot be swallowed and makes it hard to take a deep breath.

The Sunday School answer would be “God never gives you more than you can handle.” I have heard this so many times directed at me or heard it said to someone else having a real hard time. This is so not true. The Bible does say: Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 3:16. God is with us when difficult times land on us like a ton of bricks. He does not cause it and is not in the habit of testing our strength. People on earth do that. I believe he wants us to seek his help and ride it out with him.

I have fallen into my pit. Although the bottom is not as far down as before, I still feel like I am looking up, feeling like I will not be able to stand up. The thing is, I have done this already. I have clawed my way out of it before. I saw a Facebook post recently where someone was advising a struggling person not to try climbing out, but try being lifted up. To do this I need to open up to the possibility of being lifted, letting God help me, and not try to control the situation.

I guess my point in all of this is that some days are just crappy and hard to get through. It is important to try and put everything in perspective. I am not that 10-year-old girl anymore. I am an adult and no longer in that situation. Yes, it hurts and I am disappointed I did not keep myself safe, but it is not the end of the world. This is not something I can instantly let go of and just move on. It needs to be dealt with, but does not need to consume me. When compared to the good things in my life, it is minor. The future is important. Hope is important.

Am I there yet with this flashback. Not really. I am still reeling somewhat. The difference is, because of all the hard work I have done in the past and my support system, I know I will come out the other side stronger and a little more free. So will you.