Finding a New Norm

How many times in life do you hear someone is “almost back to their usual self?” In my profession I hear it quite often in reference to people recovering from an illness. When it comes to recovery of sexual abuse, this is not necessary a good thing and it leads to unfamiliar territory.

Before I made a concentrated effort to recovery last year, I really did not think my “usual self” was all that bad. I felt content and felt I was “cured.” I really was not and there is really not a cure for this. The best we can hope for is freedom for the abuse affects, an escape from our usual self.

Here are some traits that are/were part of my usual self.

I was closed off and practically untouchable. I pretty much knew I was closed off and still have issues with it. I was not known as a comforting person. If someone became emotional in front of me, I could try to give a hug and try to think words of comfort, but I felt nothing. No empathy or sympathy. When I did get upset and even cry, I did not want anyone to hug or comfort me. A couple of times when I was crying or even sobbing, I heard from the person near me that they were afraid to hug me because they felt I might slug them.

I was actually caught off guard by the above statement. I never realized I was putting out that vibe. I am still putting that vibe out there. I have not been able to identify what it is about me that projects it, but I am hoping to figure it out and change it. My mother and husband are the only exceptions and even then I have to allow myself to show the ugly emotions. The wall around my heart keeps people from getting in but it also keeps me from getting out to help others.

I no longer want any of the above to be part of my usual self.

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:2-5

As mentioned in previous posts, when I do get upset or feeling really hurt, I turn it in on myself most of the time. I am still working on more productive and constructive ways to handle all this. My first instinct is still to hurt myself physically. Anger and guilt are the main emotions that bring this on. It is a somewhat vicious cycle. I get angry, cut, feel guilty over it, and start all over.

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. Proverbs 16:32.

I definitely need this to no longer be part of my usual life.

This blog and keeping a journal are helping. It gives me a tangible, somewhat logical level of awareness. It makes it easier to see what is really going on in my head and heart. If I can see what the problem really is, it makes it easier to know what I still need to process or what needs further investigating. It gives me the ability to make connections in my past and present and resolve them. It is a more positive, constructive way to recover. This will lead to my no longer being my “usual self.”

He who is slow to anger has great understanding, But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly. Proverbs 14:29.

The second we start to recover, there is no way to return to our “usual selves.” Even if you are just remembering the abuse, things are no longer as they were. You will never be the same person and now you have a choice. The choice to return to the part of your life where you did not remember is not there, but the choice to recover is. Do you move slowly forward or just stay stuck in this awareness? In all honesty, I have done both. I would work on it, get to something uncomfortable, and just stop therapy. I would stay stuck in whatever mode I was in until I was more willing to keep going. This was usually brought on by my becoming aware of a new issue I needed help with. Fortunately, I have a very patient therapist.

Patients who are recovering from an illness or the treatment for it often have a goal to return to their usual self and usual life. Depending on the severity of the illness, this may not be a complete option for them either. There may a return to some normalcy but they also are changed.

What I have seen, especially in myself, is a fear of what is to be. Every step forward leads to a new way of living, moving past what used to be the norm. I have to discover who I am apart from the abuse. It is creating a new identity. I have been living in the shadow of the abuse for years, even before I remembered it all. I have discovered new ways it has affected my life and I need to change the meaning, change the motivation. I need to look at sex with my husband as a loving, intimate action rather than something I feel obligated to do. I need to look at life as hopeful and put this behind me.

The scary thing about all this is that I have no idea what this looks like. Many survivors are uneasy about who they will be or what their lives will look like as a person who was abused and not a person who is defined by the abuse. We must take steps forward; however small the may be, and make this something that happened to us and not who we are.

We are children of God and we must have faith in him and trust him with our future. He defines us. He knows who we are and has planned a future for us without the abuse being the main component. He has given us the strength to make it to whatever level we are on and will help us get to the next level. He wants us to grow in him and in life.

For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11.

There are days that I can barely hold onto to this hope and the future God has planned for me. I know it is there. I know it is better than what I used to consider my “usual self” and is full of hope, love, and joy. Faith is defined as confidence or trust. I have confidence that my faith will lead to this joy and trust in God. I must let go of life as I knew it and embrace the future he has for me.

Trip Through the Everglades

Taking a step outside your comfort zone can lead to amazing things. I am not one for women’s conferences, especially if it involves a church I do not attend. A dear friend bought a ticket for me to attend a simulcast for a Women of Faith conference. I dreaded it up until it started. I had a perfect excuse lined up not to go, but I went because she had bought the ticket for me and I needed to give it a shot, move past my comfort zone and head into the unknown. I am grateful to my friend for buying my ticket, because I learned so much from the conference and discovered a few things about myself in the process.

Several things said at the conference spoke to me, but the thing that has stuck with me the most is something Christine Caine said. She mentioned that the trip from Egypt to the promised land of Canaan was measured at a journey that should have taken 11 days, but because of all the people who did not listen to the Lord, it took 40 years to get to the promised land. God’s people wandered around in the desert for 40 years, walking around the same territory over and over. God provided for them but can you imagine having the promised land that close and not being able to take it? Can you imagine walking around the same territory over and over, doing laps around the same areas? I think what made it tolerable was God’s promise that it would be theirs at the right time.

Are we not walking around the same territory, walking around the mountain of truth and healing we need to go through? I am not suggesting we are wandering because we are being punished by God as the Israelites were. We are punishing ourselves by not taking the steps to move forward.

Comparing the amount of problems and muck left behind by the abuse to a mountain really does not sit well with me actually. I kind of look at it like a swamp. Imagine an “okay” kind of place you are living in. You have learned to survive in it, obeying the rules and living according to standards you never dared to challenge. You believe what you are told, manage the best you can, thinking you have no other choice and need to make the best of it. Right next to where you are living there is a giant swamp, full of the unknown, and the thought of entering it is frightening. One day you meet someone who has been to the other side of the swamp. They tell you of the tough journey but emphasize the beautiful place on the other side. The freedom to make the best of your life and not just settle is on this other side. Every day you start to think about the promise of a better life, weighing the risks and benefits. You wonder if you are strong enough to make your way through the swamp. One day you ask this person to be your guide through the swamp or draw you a map. All they can do however is just give you a general idea. The swamp is always changing and everyone’s journey through it is different. Different travelers will encounter different dangers, but it is survivable if you want it to be. Take the steps and travel to the other side.

I have been in a swamp before. It smelled bad, there were bugs everywhere, alligators swam through the waters and I never really knew what was around the corner. I was in a boat through one of these excursions. Weeds kept clogging the motor and several times we just drifted along, hoping the alligators near us decided we were not worth the trouble. The swamp also had some good aspects, whether walking through it or riding in the boat. I saw different types of wildlife I would not normally encounter. There were spots of dry land where the sun provided warm and beautiful views. Even drifting along in the boat it gave me a quiet chance to take in all that was around me. I was not uncomfortable and scared the entire time. I have tried, but I cannot find a positive side to the smell or bugs.

Recovery is the same. We all have to travel through similar muck and nastiness but it is not all bad. The highlights are where we learn to set our feet so we do not sink into a pile of stinky mud again. We will encounter alligators that threaten our progress but we learn to work around them and let them drift away. In the thickest parts of the swamps it will really stink and there will be things that bug us constantly. This is not a place anyone wants to stay in, seriously. It may feel like a good place to give up but you will stay miserable and never see the other side. It is important not to forget why you started the journey through the swamp. There is a promise of a better place on the other side. Trudge through, keep swatting the bugs, and avoiding alligators. When you get to the sunny, dry spots, soak it in. Enjoy the victory of getting to that place. Rest and gather your strength for the next part of the journey. Listen for the voices of others in the same swamp. Try to meet up and encourage each other. Keep your hope in what lies on the other side.

Finally the terrain begins to change. It is still slightly swampy and smelly but there are more areas of dry land that is easier to navigate. There are more sunny and warm places to take a break. The end is finally in sight and you start to rejoice in the strength discovered within yourself. You have grown and learned how to survive. You encounter more people on the same journey and they have survived their own trek through the swamp. Stories are shared and encouragement is gathered from each one.

As we move further away from the swamp the sky becomes more blue, the grass greener, and the air sweeter. The oppression and sense of hopeless of where you came from has been left in the swamp. Hope and freedom is abundant. You have learned to enjoy your life, the life God intended for you to live.

A few more thoughts about the Israelites taking the promised land. When it was time, they marched around the city for 6 days in a row, as God commanded them to do. On the 7th day they did the same but made 7 trips around the city. The trumpets blew and the people shouted and the walls came down flat. When we seek God’s help in our journey and shout out to him, our walls will also start to fall and we will become open to what he has promised.

Our Own Language

Every Sunday we are given a list of verses to study through the week after Life Groups, a.k.a Sunday School. Usually this slip of paper ended up in my Bible cover pocket and I forgot about it. This obviously points to a problem with my lack of daily study, but that is an issue for later.

One week was different. I evidently slid it into my ever present tote bag and found it Tuesday while at work. On my lunch break I decided to read the verses assigned for the first 2 days, all of which were in Acts. The following got my attention and started the wheels of my brain to turn.

Acts 2:4-6 All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. Now there were staying in Jerusalem God-fearing Jews from every nation under heaven. When they heard this sound, a crowd came together in bewilderment , because each one heard them speaking in his own language.

It occurred to me that the Holy Spirit is still reaching me using a language or circumstance that speaks directly to me. The message is the same but how I receive it is different. It speaks to me in different ways, mostly based on the circumstance I find myself. Ever since I was little I have heard the Gospel of Christ and how he saved us. As a little girl in vacation bible study I heard it in a way that a child could understand. When I became a teenager the gospel was presented through a church youth group in ways that applied to a teenage life.

I started to remember bits and pieces of the abuse at the age of 12 and started to rebel against God. I never considered the rebellion related to the abuse. I blamed it on other things. The church I attended broke apart and I refused to go a different one. I still knew the Gospel and its message but ignored it. I knew Jesus saved me but I was not willing to be rescued because I did not think I needed it.  

I pretty much avoided church until I started dating my husband, at age 26. I had been to church on and off but never regularly. I never forgot the message but was not receptive. It was not a foreign language but it was a language I was no longer relating to or understanding. I had essentially cut God out of my life and was not willing to make changes. I pretty much counted on him in case of emergency.

When Paul was traveling he preached the Gospel in languages the people around him understood.

And as Paul was about to be brought into the barracks, he said to the commander, ‘May I say something to you?” And he said, “Do you know Greek?..” Acts 21:37.

And when they heard that he was addressing them in the Hebrew dialect, they became even more quiet; Acts 22:2.

Attending group and in my sessions with my therapist I was hearing how God was there for me and how he could help me heal. I was still resistant. I mentioned in an earlier post I read in the book On the Threshold of Hope by  Diane Langberg. The author pointed out a passage in the Bible that completely changed my perspective. It was the turning point in my recovery and relationship with God. I sat back in the chair and said to myself, “Whoa.” My life has been different and hopeful since that time.

As I recover from the abuse the Holy Spirit is presenting the Gospel to me in a whole different way. It is teaching it to me in a language of hope and healing. In group I am with women who understand where I am coming from and are speaking the same language of recovery. Yes, I still need the practical ways to apply it to my life, but this feels different. Jesus has saved me in so many different ways. I survived the abuse and am plowing through the recovery with confidence that I will succeed. Some days I am less confident, but the Holy Spirit will gently remind me, or sometimes hit me over the head, with the truth of how much hope and healing there is to be experienced. No matter where I am in life, no matter the pain, or just looking for the energy to open my eyes and get out of bed, the spirit of God is with me, encouraging me. He speaks to me in a language I can understand as long as I listen closely. He sees who he made me to be, his child to love, and someone to celebrate.

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Flashbacks

There are some days I am not sure what is worse, the flashback itself or the after effects. Today I am referring to a new flashback, an incident I had not remembered before but had a fuzzy image of. Flashbacks in a situation I have already remembered seem to be more unexpected for me. What seems like a random trigger will send me back in time, into the middle of the memory.  This was different.

I knew there was something sitting in the back of my brain waiting to get out. I had been feeling uneasy for weeks. It is almost like I sensed it was coming to the forefront. I pushed it back as much as I could, trying to stay busy so the memory would not have an opportunity to present itself. This past weekend things were really bad inside of me. The temptation to hurt myself was overpowering and I lost the battle. I was moody, depressed, and so very anxious. I did not want to put pen to paper because I was afraid of what may come out.

When I went to bed Sunday night I felt oppressive sadness. I was no longer anxious, just very depressed. When the house was finally quiet and I was lying the silent darkness, I got hit with the memory. It was like getting hit in the chest and having the breath knocked out of me. It was an isolated incident when I was 10. I so desperately wanted to just fall asleep and have it stop, but that did not happen. My body was tense and drawn up. I frantically tried to remember the coping skills and the ways to talk myself out of the flashback learned in therapy. It finally stopped and I was exhausted. I wrapped myself in the bed covers and fell into a very fitful sleep.

Now I am the day after and still so weary. I realize at some point I will have to write out the details, not because I want to torture myself, but because it is best way for me to get it out in the open. Once it is no longer contained in my consciousness it becomes possible to pick it apart, control it rather it controlling me, and deal with some of the after effects. I can already name a few possibilities of how it affected me. Once I write this out I will be free of its choke hold. Once I share it with my therapist is loses a little more of its power.

I get tired of thinking I am done with memories and flashbacks and finding out I am wrong. It is frustrating and disheartening. It all sits in my chest like a dark mass that cannot be swallowed and makes it hard to take a deep breath.

The Sunday School answer would be “God never gives you more than you can handle.” I have heard this so many times directed at me or heard it said to someone else having a real hard time. This is so not true. The Bible does say: Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 3:16. God is with us when difficult times land on us like a ton of bricks. He does not cause it and is not in the habit of testing our strength. People on earth do that. I believe he wants us to seek his help and ride it out with him.

I have fallen into my pit. Although the bottom is not as far down as before, I still feel like I am looking up, feeling like I will not be able to stand up. The thing is, I have done this already. I have clawed my way out of it before. I saw a Facebook post recently where someone was advising a struggling person not to try climbing out, but try being lifted up. To do this I need to open up to the possibility of being lifted, letting God help me, and not try to control the situation.

I guess my point in all of this is that some days are just crappy and hard to get through. It is important to try and put everything in perspective. I am not that 10-year-old girl anymore. I am an adult and no longer in that situation. Yes, it hurts and I am disappointed I did not keep myself safe, but it is not the end of the world. This is not something I can instantly let go of and just move on. It needs to be dealt with, but does not need to consume me. When compared to the good things in my life, it is minor. The future is important. Hope is important.

Am I there yet with this flashback. Not really. I am still reeling somewhat. The difference is, because of all the hard work I have done in the past and my support system, I know I will come out the other side stronger and a little more free. So will you.