Sequence

Photo Credit: LHC

My household consists of 3 adults, 4 children, a dog, and several rabbits. Because of this, visitors to my home find it hard to believe I enjoy a sense of order in my life but I do.  I refuse to read a book series unless I start at the beginning. Ironically I find it frustrating when the author will attempt to catch the reader up with each book in the series. I feel it is a waste of time and if the reader wanted to know what happened previously, they would start with the first book. Do not get me started on soundtracks for movies. Songs should appear on the soundtrack in the same order they do in the movie. I have several soundtracks I have reordered on my playlists to fit the movie. There are only a few other spaces in my life where I hold on to a sense of balance and consistency. Any other annoyances about order were blown to bits when I had kids.

I was looking through previous posts and noticed they seemed random and out of order. It bothered me for about 5 minutes, and then I realized recovery is not an orderly process. There is not a check-off sheet or a list of guidelines. Most people I know are very disappointed in this. They want the checkoff sheet, something to tell them what phases they will go through, in what order, and a time frame. As unfair as it is, recovery does not work that way.

If you have seen preschool artwork or remember your own, there is always at least one piece of artwork with several squiggly lines in multiple colors. I came across a drawing my son did in preschool last week. It is difficult to spot the beginning and end. This is recovery.

I have met several people with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), some were abused and others were not. As a survivor, this makes sense to me. When the abuse was happening everything was out of order and felt chaotic. It is easy to see how an overdeveloped need for order in regular life can happen. Control is essential.

Recovery will move you forward, backward, and side to side. It is never in a straight line. There will be side roads, ditches, holes in the road, hills, and valleys. Your perspective on what you are going through will change and very often will bounce back and forth. There are times I go backward and fall into the same ditches over and over. Eventually I will not fall into the ditch or valley when I get pushed back or if I do, I will remember the steps to get out.

Every new memory or a details in a previous memory has the potential to push me a little backward and off to the side. If I take the time to recognize what is happening, I can just take a couple of steps back and move forward again. Sometimes I am blown back by a hurricane force wind, have to figure out where I landed, and crawl forward. Telling you how long it took my therapist and friends to convince me this is normal will prove how single-minded we can become and how immersed we get in the moment rather than the big picture. It is a constant struggle and I have been all over the place since I was a teenager.

My posts are not in an orderly progression. I have not gone from rock bottom to where I am today in a logical, systematic fashion. The posts represent my very real recovery path; up, down, around curves, and upside down, similar to a roller coaster. There are times it is unpredictable with a side of chaos.

I do not tell you this to discourage those traveling with me. I want to convey that you are not alone in the journey and your journey is personal and normal. I encourage you to take it in stride, realize it is tough but not impossible. The positive changes will start to show themselves and there is always hope. Encouragement, hope, and faith have gotten me this far and will continue to push me to where God wants me to be.

Then you would trust, because there is hope; And you would look around and rest securely. Job 11:18