Better Left in the Dark?

I am a “jumpy” person. If a person enters a room quietly, without my being aware, and then speaks, I will startle and most certainly scream. Generally if anything jumps out at me, I will scream and either run or attack. As such, haunted houses are not my cup of tea. I have never understood the appeal of purposely being scared. I imagine it is because I have already been scared and attacked in my own haunted houses. My memory also feels like a haunted space.

My brain has released moments and details of abuse over a long period of time. I went from knowing “something” happened to having detailed recollections. Once I realized the abuse happened on more than one occasion I declared I did not want any other information and certainly was not interested in the details. I was sure the details would completely destroy my life and I would end up as a permanent resident in a psych facility. Overdramatic? Maybe, but it certainly feels that way. I have never met an abuse survivor giddy at the prospect of remembering all the details of the abuse.

My abuse memories came to the surface a little at a time for many years. I resisted them and tried to deny their existence. I have mentioned before that I was flooded with so many details of several abusive situations over a 3 to 4 month period. To say it was awful is an understatement. I was crushed under the wave and was not sure I had or wanted the strength to move forward. I was self-destructive and suicidal at the lowest point. The seemingly contradictory part of all this is remembering the details has probably saved me.

Before the details came I was in a constant state of searching. As much as I did not want the memories, I knew they were there, lurking. I was fearful of them and wondering when they would hit. It felt the same as standing at the front door of a haunted house, waiting for the push to walk in and face what I feared the most.

Here are some things that happened when my memories showed themselves.

I no longer lived in fear of the unknown.  Within a 6 month time frame I had so much information and detail. I was emotionally drained but the pictures were clearer and I did not have to try and guess what happened. Sights, sounds, and feelings were there, no longer hiding out in the spiderweb sections of memory. I no longer had to fear the details and speculate about how I would deal with them. I survived it. The unknown is no longer haunting me.

I learned to ask for help. I shared all the written stories with my therapist and parts of them with my group. I needed to admit I was not strong enough to handle the mess on my own. I took a risk by sharing my story and accepting encouragement. I learned there were trustworthy people who understood exactly what I was feeling. I no longer felt alone and separated from the rest of the human race. I was gently asked to seek God’s perspective and ask him for wisdom.

My sense of impending doom went away. The anticipation of certain disaster essentially disappeared. The burdens of worry and panic over memories retrieved and new memories subsided. At this point whatever I remember now cannot possibly be any worse than what I have already remembered. While in therapy one week I had a new memory surface and it was actually with a different abuser. It happened one time when I was 4 and involved one of my friends and her father. The memory hurt and I was visibly upset, but I was able to calm myself and put it in perspective. For the first time in a very long time I was able to separate my childhood and adult self. This did not stir up a sense of ruin. I am not downplaying the memory. My reaction just reflects the work I have done in the last couple of years and the way God has changed my life.

There are some survivors who will never get some or all of the details. They will know it happened and will still work hard to recover. How do you lessen the sense of impending doom? How do you let go of what you do not remember and recover from what you do know? Details of the abuse do not affect the recovery. The impact on my life is the same regardless of detail recall. I continue to struggle with self-esteem, forgiving myself, sex, trust, intimacy, self-abuse, and control. I cannot answer the question of why some end up with details and I am not sure whether the release is directed by God. It occurs to me that the devil might have something to do with it. My flood of details could have been orchestrated by him. I could have easily succumbed to the depression, turned suicidal thoughts into action, and turned my back on God. Through God’s power to heal, I did none of those things.

If we concentrate on the impact on our life and heal, the details are not as important. All of the above that came about as a result of my remembering needed to happen either way. I still needed to learn to ask for help, let go of an impending sense of doom and live in the moment, and especially learn to let go of the unknown. I am a very stubborn person and my lessons come the hard way. I heard a pastor say, “God gives us the test and then we learn the lesson.” His statement hit my heart because I know how true this is in my life. I believe God gave me the details because I was so resistant and refused to see what he was trying to teach me about recovery.