Longest Flashback Ever

Say to those with anxious heart, “Take courage, fear not. Behold, your God will come with vengeance; The recompense of God will come, But He will save you.” Isaiah 35:4

Not all flashbacks are over in the same day. I discovered this the hard way and experienced a 3-day flashback.

A few weeks ago I cracked two teeth, one on the top and the one right under it. My dentist referred me to an endodontist, who diagnosed the cracks. Much to my surprise he said I needed a root canal and planned to do it right then. I contemplated scheduling it for later but it would be a week or so, my teeth ached badly, and I did not want to have to think about it too long.

If you have had a root canal, you are probably familiar with the device the used to isolate the tooth and keep the mouth open. After the 2nd dose of anesthesia (my body resists local anesthesia) I put in my headphones, cranked up the music, and started to pray. The doctor told me to raise my hand if I was uncomfortable. Funny guy. The whole process is uncomfortable. I only raised my hand once and received another shot of anesthesia.

Before the start of the root canal a contraption with a clamp was put on my offending tooth. It was attached to this blue foam thing and put in my mouth, holding it open. Foam rimmed glasses were then put over my eyes and I was told to relax. Again, funny guy.

It was at that moment I started to panic. I really could not close my mouth and my jaw started to ache. Flashback. The pain in my jaw and not being able to close my mouth threw me back to the age of 4, one of the times I was forced into oral sex. I was the little girl kneeling on shag carpet in front of a naked man on a metal fold-out chair. I felt the tears in my eyes from gagging and fear. I remembered wanting my abuser to hurry so I could get away. I heard his friend laughing.

As I sat in the dental chair, remembering the above, I focused on breathing through my nose. I put my hands behind my back to keep from lashing out in the midst of the flashback. I tried folding myself in over and over inside, trying to disappear. I never managed to completely dissociate due to noise. When the root canal was finished and all instruments removed my body was shaking and I could barely speak. The staff was asking if I was okay and I was fighting to say yes. I left the office quietly.

Prior to this, my last “body” memory was over a year ago. I felt the above memory the rest of the day. The constant ache kept bringing me back into the flashback and I could not escape. Relaxation of any kind was impossible. I stumbled through the rest of my day, going through the motions of dinner and church. I did cry a little at the end of Bible study and when I went to bed that night, I cried myself to sleep. I lost focus and fell into flashback head first.

Unfortunately when I woke up in the morning my jaw still ached and my mind immediately went to the flashback. It was only 6:30 am and I felt defeated. I slept a good part of the morning and finally poured myself out of bed around 10 am. I decided to work on a project that required a concentrated effort on organization and cleaning. For the most part this worked. When the anti-inflammatories wore off, the pain would return, as would the flashback. By 8 pm my brain was fried and my body exhausted.

At day 3 of the flashback I accomplished essentially nothing except a draft of this post. I started writing in the hopes it would help and it did to an extent; the jaw pain was still there. The pain was a constant reminder of the flashback. I could not shake it. I suspect my lack of energy and function had something to do with the depression but I sat still and did not run from the memory. I let it have its day.

My reactions to the flashback were varied and pretty normal I believe. I went from managing it in the endodontist office, being in shock, distracting myself as much as possible, getting stuck in the depression, and pulling back into reality.

There is an underlying difference with this flashback. Just below the surface I had a realistic expectation. I knew it would be better in the next few days. I was eventually able to put the flashback in the proper place. I will not forget but the emotional overload dispersed. I have described emotional tidal waves in previous posts and this was another example.

In a couple of weeks I will return to the endodontist. I now know what to expect and am confident my experience will be different. I have no doubt I will be reminded of the flashback and the pain will return, but when it does I will be ready. I do not anticipate any surprises, as I have had the flashback and the dental procedure will be somewhat familiar. Most importantly, I know the memories overall will not permanently bring me down. My reactions are temporary and the bigger picture God has for me is brighter.

For right now, I am going to pray and ask others to pray for me. One of the best parts of having friends and a support system grounded in faith is the prayer. When I cannot get the words out of my mouth, they can do it for me. Nothing in my past can defeat prayer.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6