We all need a break. Thinking about the abuse every waking moment will wear you down to the point that progress and healing will stop. I know it seems counter intuitive, but I have experienced this first hand. I have been immobilized mentally, leading to weeks of emotional numbness.
I mentioned before (My Story) that I was hit with a massive amount of information about my abuse when I started group meetings, between February and May. I was a mess. We were asked to write our story to read aloud to the group. I wrote about one specific incident. When I finished it I started to cut myself again. I could not stop the flood of information. It was like several waves were hitting me at once, spinning me around to the point I did not know which way was up, and I could not catch my breath. I became suicidal. I never established a plan but it was on my mind a lot. The cutting was bad and at one point I required stitches. The second to last group meeting I spent almost the entire time writing reasons not to commit suicide in my notebook. The following is what I wrote.
What about the kids? Do I really want them to have the same traumatic childhood? I want things to be better for them. If I kill myself, their lives will be irreparably changed. They will be devastated and I do not want that for them. I want them to be happy and they will not be if this happens. I have to do the work so I can be better and they can be better. The boys do not know devastation and I cannot cause that for them. I need to think of others and the effect my death would have on them rather than just myself. My abusers only thought of themselves and not how much they were hurting me. I have to be different.
I was exhausted at that time, both mentally and physically. I was not sleeping well and I was trying to deal with too much at a time. My therapist and group leader were telling me to pace myself but I really did not know how. I had never really tried to and was unsure where to start.
I managed to escape one weekend and completely regroup. I took time to take care of myself and take a breather. I made a reservation to spend a weekend at a local convent. It offered peace, quiet, and freedom to relax and find peace. It was perfect. I was nervous at first but the ladies put me at ease immediately. The place was incredibly quiet and had several beautiful areas set up with tables and chairs. There was even a walking path through the woods within their gates. It was exactly what I needed.
I spent the weekend reading and journaling. I read two different books on healing, including On the Threshold of Hope by Diane Mandt Langberg. I spent time reading the Bible and just being quiet. I focused on healing and not the memories. I gained a new perspective that weekend and left full of hope.
My soul waits in silence for God only; From Him is my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken. Psalm 62:1-2.
Stepping back mentally takes a lot of effort and strength. It will go against everything you are feeling, but you must find a way to do it. It will become a coping skill that helps keep the bigger picture in view. It will give you a chance to slow down and make the connections that need to be made so change can occur. Find a way to distract yourself. Things that have helped me are:
- Exercise, even just a slow walk around the block makes a difference.
- Read a book. If you have been reading books on healing from abuse, put them down. Read something different. If you cannot think of anything else to read, reach for
Dr. Seuss, at least it will make you smile. - Go to a movie.
- Eat at a different restaurant.
The point is to move away from it, even if it is just a little at a time, and do something fun!
An amazing thing happened when I had to take a step back and look at the big picture. I got a little of my life back. I got a glimpse of what life could be like without the abuse haunting me. I became hungry for more of that kind of life. I have had periods of time that I become overwhelmed and I did cut but I was no longer suicidal. I discovered that I did not fall as far down the pit as before. I was stronger than I was giving myself credit for.
Imagine the pit for a minute. Think about how deep it feels when you are hurting so badly it is hard to see a way out. When you start to heal you start climbing out of it. While you are climbing dirt and rocks will fall and fill the pit a little. When you fall down it again it is not as deep because of what has fallen during the climb. The process gets repeated several times with rocks and dirt filling in the pit a little each time. The light starts to get brighter the closer you get to the top. Your pit is no longer as deep and eventually it will just be a divot. You will still trip over the area from time to time but it will no longer be something you fall into and feel completely helpless. You will live in the light and want to stay in it.
When I realized the floor of my pit was not as deep I felt more hopeful. I recognized I was healing and saw areas of my life affected by abuse that needed to change. The focus shifted from the trauma of the abuse to healing the effects and moving forward.
The group leader had a lot to say about our emotions and actually brought up the image of emotional waves. He essentially said emotional waves will hit us but if we stay still, not panic, and just wait the wave will eventually pull back, leaving us on the shore rather than tossing us around. Learning to wait it out and accepting that the emotional overload is just temporary is so important and an awesome mindset to be in. Am I successful at keeping my emotions from knocking me over every time? No, I am not. My hope is my successes will outnumber the times I am not as successful. So far I am on the plus side. I cannot do this on my own and need help. I receive this help from my therapist, friends, support group, and most importantly Jesus.
Who alone stretches out the heavens, and tramples down the waves of the sea… Job 9:8
It is also important to walk away from the shore and get on completely dry land. Take the time to shift focus to other people that need your attention. Take time to do something fun and relax. I had to take this one baby step at a time. Once a day I tried to focus on someone and/or something else, even if it was just for 5 minutes. I have a tendency to push through and I miss so much in the process. I failed to see I was growing and healing; it had to be pointed out by someone else before I recognized it. Taking time to think of others has made it easier to recognize the growth and healing.
When you are standing on the shore looking at the vastness, the powerful ocean of memories, flashbacks, and emotions before you just take a deep breath. Put on your snorkel, flippers, and floaties. Compare these to the tools God has given you: His word, promises, and strength. With these in place when the wave hits and possibly knocks you over, rely on these tools and learn to swim back to shore, back into the safety of who Jesus is, and into his arms of hope. He is always there to comfort and strengthen.
For I hope in Thee, O Lord; Thou wilt answer me, O Lord my God. Psalm 38:15
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