Repairable

I started an entry with just the simple sentence “All things are repairable in God.” While I know this to be true, I became agitated with the thought I needed to be repaired under the assumption I am broken. Admittedly I dwelt on that much longer than I should have. I had to take breath and look at this objectively.

For years I have considered myself broken and damaged because of the abuse and other things that damaged my self esteem over the years. It is hard to feel like you are whole when I huge chunk of your life has been torn out of it. The abuse took a piece of my heart, soul, and a part of my life just stopped. I felt damaged because I figured something was wrong with me otherwise I would not have been abused. I met so many other kids around my age that never had been abused. I wondered what the difference was between them and myself? What did I do wrong that caused this? What did my abusers see in me that led them to pick me? What was wrong with me? These are some of the questions that ran through my mind and they still do from time to time. I spent a long time feeling broken, damaged, and unworthy. There was so much emphasis on saving sex for marriage and honoring your future mate by not going “too far” with anyone before then. I was already “ruined” before I even started to have boyfriends. This way of thinking crushed my self esteem and I had a hard time really caring what happened to me.

With restrictive parents and being the oldest child, I was constantly watched and really was not allowed to date until I was 16. There were still ways to be alone with boyfriends. I felt like I did not have a voice with boys. I felt like I did not have a right to protest because I had already experienced most of it so how could I say no? I felt broken and still feel that way times.

Over time and with the right support people in my life, I have gained my sense of self esteem, I see myself in a positive light. I have learned to value and respect myself. I still have self doubt, we all do, but my goal is make sure it is not based on the lies put in my head by my abusers. I do not always achieve this goal. Realizing I am not to blame and getting rid of misplaced guilt and shame is unbelievably difficult. Logically it makes sense but emotionally it feels like climbing Mount Everest unprepared. Broken feels comfortable. It needs to change.

If I change my perspective to see myself as God sees me, the brokenness takes on a new meaning. All of us on earth are broken and God makes us whole. That hole in our heart or the gap we feel in our lives can only be filled by him. We are broken because of our sinful nature, not because of what has been done to us. All of us are the same. No one is better than anyone else. Our brokenness is equal. For me that is so freeing! It puts everyone on an equal level and I do not feel like I am less than human. I am repairable!

Think about something that is whole versus something that is broken. What can you do with something that is whole? Can you make it more whole? How much can you really alter it or be creative with it? It is limited. What can you do with something that is broken? The possibilities are limitless. There is more room for creativity. There are so many options and the potential for growth. This is where God wants us. He wants to take the brokenness and use it for what he designed me for. I was not designed to be abused. I was not designed to be broken by another human. God has a plan for me, a plan that was in place long before I was conceived. I have to overcome the worldly pressures and ideas of what my life should be. I need to surround myself with people who understand how I feel and with people who are encouraging in their own ways. I need people to hold me accountable. I believe God uses these people in my life to help me feel less broken simply by realizing we all are.

It seems counter intuitive to be content with brokenness. When I consider that I am broken along with everyone else I feel less alone, less isolated, and less ashamed. It is brokenness that takes the sting out of the brokenness I felt due to the abuse. Brokenness before God is strength and truth. Brokenness by an abuser is false, a lie. Brokenness before God is an opportunity to become everything he designed us for. Brokenness from an abuser stunts our growth with God and blinds us to the opportunities. There is no hope in the brokenness we feel because of the abuse. Brokenness before God is full of hope and promise.

Take all the broken feelings related to the abuse and all the lies created by it and heave it at the foot of the cross. It will not magically go away. It is a difficult thing to get rid of and I find that I still hold onto to some of it. There are days that I seem to go back to the cross and pick up some of the baggage and take it back with me. I look forward to the day I can realize I have surrendered all the horrible feelings I took upon myself because of the abuse. Imagine putting all the twisted lies based on the abuse in balloons. The balloons can be in the color you dislike the most. Write them down, place them in the balloon, and then let it go and watch it drift into the sky, toward heaven where they will be absorbed by God and disappear from your life.

Let me know what you think.