My Own Goliath

There are several things I love about the Bible, God’s word. One of those things is that is the Living Word; it is not stale or boring. It is never the same when you read it. There is always a new perspective on His truth. The truth remains the same but when you can come at it with a different state of mind you learn so much more.

Tonight the story of David and Goliath took on a whole new meaning for me. You would be hard pressed to find someone who has not heard this story. The first time is usually as a child, maybe in Sunday School or Vacation Bible School. If you grow up in a church you will hear it a few more times. I heard it again tonight and saw it in a different light.

David faced a giant that no one else would. The Philistine taunted the Hebrews, enjoyed their fear, and had full confidence in his ability to defeat them. You know who this sounds like? My abusers and the way I used to feel about myself.

My abusers fed on my fear, especially my first abuser. He threatened to kill my father if I told. No child wants to lose their father. In my mind the threat was extremely real. My father and this man were in the military and it seemed possible my father would not return. He used my fear to abuse me. Once he realized I was afraid he would follow through with his threat he had all the power. I was helpless and defeated.

As far as I know my abusers never really taunted me like Goliath taunted the Israelites. I did that to myself years later. I was constantly putting myself down and never really felt confident. I never felt like I was good enough. I bullied myself based on the actions of my abusers. It probably was not the only thing creating these thoughts but the abuse had a lot to do with it. A giant of self-doubt, helplessness, and crushed self-esteem lived inside of me for years.

Recovery has started to change all that. When I first started to remember the really horrible stuff, I felt like it would never get better and that I was not strong enough to get through it. I was suicidal. I felt like it was better to die than face all the pain in the journey ahead of me. My therapist and husband were constantly reminding me that suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Turns out Goliath was a temporary problem.

I do not have the strength to get through all of this alone. I need God and a group of very supportive people.

Goliath taunted God. And the Philistine also said to David, “Am I a dog, that would come to me with sticks?” And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.

I Samuel 17:43.

David had to convince Saul, the king, to let him fight Goliath. David did not care about the King’s promises for the person who killed Goliath. David told Saul of how God rescued him several times while he was a sheaperd. David had full confidence that God was with him. He had witnessed God save him. He walked with God and had faith in Him. David knew God would help him with Goliath. But David said to Saul “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, He will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” I Samuel 17:37a. Saul offered his armor but David faced him with the weapons he was comfortable with, a sling and stones.

David faced Goliath and killed him. He hit him with a rock and then cut off his head. I like to think I am working on the same victory.

I did not start to become truly victorious over my Goliath until I started to really see myself as God sees me. I had to see how he had rescued me previously in order to trust Him to see me through the rest of the battle. My battle has not been as short as David’s and is not over, but slowly and surely my Goliath is falling. I had to learn, and am still learning, to rely on God to provide the strength I simply do not have.

God knows we are not strong enough to face our Goliath’s alone. We need His help. We just need to put ourselves in a position to let Him work through us. We bring whatever strength we have and He provides the rest. And the Lord looked at him (Gideon) and said “Go in this your strength and deliver Israel from the hand of Midian. Have I not sent you?” Judges 6:14

David ran toward the Philistine. He faced his enemy without fear because he knew for certain God was going to take care of him. I can do the same and have in a lot of my recovery. I have faced a lot so far and there is more to go. David picked up 5 smooth stones to fight Goliath but only needed one. God’s Word is that stone for me. Whatever my enemy says to me about my worth and helplessness is contradicted in the Bible. There is an answer in the Bible to contradict every lie the enemy taunts me with. I can cut the enemy’s head off with the word. For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit Hebrews 4:12a.

I still have stones to through. The stones of shame, guilt, helplessness, and unworthiness for starters. These stones belong to my abusers. The guilt and shame belong to them, not me. I am not helpless with God and I can take comfort in my value in Him. He values me more than anyone on earth ever could.

There will come a time I will be able to cut the head off my Goliath. I will hold it up in victory and I hope those who see the changes in me will know that God provided the strength and deliverance.

Catching Lightning

How do you handle it when people are not in the same place in recovery you are in? Depending on how much I am around the person, I may start out compassionate but then end up very frustrated. Tonight I took a step back and really started to think about why I get so frustrated with a survivor that seems to want to stay where they are and not move forward.

Everyone’s abuse (trauma) is different. No set of details is the same. Some abuse happened over a long period of time, some short term, and may be sometimes it was just once. It does not matter. It is all abuse and it all takes time to recover. The journey is different for everyone. There is no set recovery plan. The only similarity it seems is that everyone needs to take it in one way or another. Everyone’s feet must hit a path or road to recovery. How far they go is their choice. A choice that cannot be made for them.

Our similarities are in the issues and problems we have to deal with along the way. There is no set order to when we face them, but they will all have to be faced in one way or another. The list I made, and it is in no way complete is as follows. We will all have to deal with trust, safety, self-esteem (value), love, intimacy, anger with abusers or even God, sex, and faith. We all have to go through the stages of grief.

One of the things I have learned to love about group is the differences. We are all in different places. There are some of us who have been through several sessions of group and then there are those who are just starting to recover. After the first few sessions, depending on the dynamic, we begin to really see each other, trust each other, and healing begins. I have heard many heartbreaking stories along with many triumphs. I have seen people grow, including myself, and it is always encouraging. I have fussed, withdrawn, cried, and laughed in group. I have been encouraged by other group members to grow, have been pushed past my comfort zone, and loved by them. I am always learning from them. It has been an amazing amount of support. Without God, my individual therapist, and group I would not be anywhere close to where I am today. It is an amazing feeling. I never knew how much I needed other people.

An extremely frustrating thing about group can be when someone else just does not seem to get it. Actually it is more like they do not want to get it. There have been a few ladies, including me at times, who seemed to fight dealing or seeing with the real issue. Denial is an understatement. They are afraid to see because of how much it will hurt and no matter how much the group tries to help nothing is gained. So again, how do you handle it when people are not in the same place in recovery you are in and seem to refuse to even try?

Leaving group tonight I pulled around to the back of the parking lot to leave. As I moved around the building I saw something beautiful. I could not see the clouds in the sky but I could see the lightning behind them. It was a yellow glow. I know lightning is dangerous and if it was closer I would be afraid of it, but from a distance it was beautiful. I pulled my car over and tried to record it on my phone. God’s power through weather has always amazed me.

Anyway….as I was watching the lightning, every once in a while it would not just be a flash behind the clouds. A streak would actually appear that I am sure struck a part of the earth. In the few minutes I stood and watched, I realized my healing through counseling and group was similar to lightning show before me. The glow behind the clouds represented recovery on the surface or may be what I had already learned. A glow of hope in the storm clouds? The lightning streaks were the moments I really understood what had happened and how I could now break free. The streaks to the earth could be seen as the times realizations hit my heart and mind about what was happening and how I needed to push through it. I stood there for a few minutes more and then got back in my car. Almost the instant my door shut it occurred to me why it is so frustrating when a survivor cannot see what you are trying to show them, at least why it is so frustrating to me.

Through therapy and group I have learned things about myself and the recovery process I never thought possible. I have grown and have experienced such freedom from the abuse, especially in the last few weeks. Each lady in group has had some of the same growth and experienced the same freedom, whether in small pieces or in huge chunks. The point is that we have all gotten a little of our lives back and we want the same for those we love. When I see a way  survivor is being hurt and not taking care of herself I want her to see it from my perspective. I want her to see what I am seeing in her life so she can recognize it and do something about it. I want her to grow and take care of herself. I want her to see that I really do care about her and that is why it is frustrating. I want her to see the same lightning I have experienced. I want her to see the glow in the clouds. I want her to experience the same hope and freedom I have felt and seen. I want her to chase the lightning.

The problem with this is that I cannot do it for her. She has to make the choice to open her eyes and be willing to recognize things that are very unpleasant and painful. The survivor has to be willing to fight to get her life back. She has to fight for the freedom and hope that I pray she sees in the rest of us. I have been selfish in that I want the survivor to start trying so I do not get as frustrated. Instead, I need to be patient. I have run and tried to hide from the truth so many times. I know how wasteful and painful it can be. I need to be compassionate yet still speak truth in love and not out of exacerbation. I need to be a gentle example and not have a sharp tongue. I need to remember that I have been her.

Some day, if I am lucky to be around when it happens, I want to love on her, push on her, and encourage her when the lightning strikes.

Trust Without Borders

Trust in the Lord forever, For in God the Lord, we have an everlasting rock.
Isaiah 26:4

Trust. Ugh. People have broken my trust and I have broken theirs. Next to forgiveness, trust has been an incredibly difficult concept to work through.

I think there are degrees of trust. There are people I can trust more than others, which makes sense because everyone is different. People are fickle and unpredictable. There is no constant simply because people change over time; it is inevitable.

As I child I had a blind trust of everyone, as I believe most children do. It is basically a sense of safety a child has, until someone comes along and steals it. A safety can be stolen or lost in several different ways that have nothing to do with abuse (divorce, tragedy, etc). My sense of safety was lost with my parent’s divorce and stolen with the abuse, both of which occurred within the same time frame.

I cannot recall ever really thinking about trust until I was around 17. My decisions/feelings were centered around a lack of trust in others subconsciously up until then. I still make decisions on whom I will trust or degree I will trust someone based on childhood events. Even then, the trust almost always develops slow. I give a little at a time, testing the waters, and trust as far as the limitation I have established. There are people I do not trust because of their past behavior with others, what I have seen (heard) them do, and sometimes it is just based on a feeling about them. Sometimes a person I come across gives me a “bad vibe” and is quickly placed in the untrustworthy category. Completely usual for an abuse survivor? Yes. Healthy? Not so much.

Trust issues have the potential to isolate. I keep people at arm’s length a good part of the time, convinced I am the only one who can keep me safe. People in my life are unfairly judged based on my trust issues. They are not given a fair shot and the only person who is at fault is myself. Of course there are those who have broken my trust and hurt me deeply. Whenever it happened my first response was to completely cut them out of my life or put up a wall to prevent that person from hurting me again. Essentially, I would run away physically or emotionally rather than deal with the issues and heal. It can still be my first response at times, but I have learned over the past few years it is not always the best response. I have been forced to recognize my own untrustworthiness and accept we are all human. I can look back now and see how much I would have missed had I continued to kick people out of my life over trust. I continuously fight the urge to run because it is difficult to deal with the pain and put forth the effort to heal a relationship.

Trust issues have also made a relationship with God difficult for me. I have trouble trusting him based on relationships I have had with people. This seems an unfair reaction but all we have to base our experiences on are the earthly ones. The magnitude of God, his powers, and trustworthiness are beyond our scope of total comprehension. It is faith based. When faith in mankind has been squashed beyond recognition, it is hard to accept God. How do you accept a loving, kind, trustworthy heavenly father by faith when your example on earth is the complete opposite? Learning to separate earth and heaven becomes more difficult.

God never has to earn our trust, because he has never given us a reason not to trust him. I have gotten confused about why things happened to me and the motives behind them, but that which is evil does not come from God. He is the savior and the one who sees us through. He has shown us how trustworthy and constant he is, we just have to take the time to recognize it.

By awesome deeds You answer us in righteousness, O God of our salvation, You who are the trust of all the ends of the earth and of the farthest sea; Psalm 65:5

God has never broken his promises or my trust, yet I treat him like he has. I do not bring everything to him. I hide it, trying to take care of it myself, and not surrendering myself to him. I have failed to trust him with my feelings, secrets, and life. I have not trusted his promise to all of us.

Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? Matthew 6:26

God has promised to take care of me. We are his choice possession. In the exercise of His will He brought us forth by the word of truth, so that we might be, as it were, the first fruits among His creatures. James 1:18. God sent Jesus to die for our sins. There is no greater love than this. Jesus wiped out our sins and made it possible for God’s forgiveness and through the acceptance of Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we are promised eternal life. This is the ultimate promise, a promise He will never break. God has always taken care of us. We may not always agree with what happens to us. We have found ourselves in horrible circumstances where it seemed God was not with us.

For as many as are the promises of God, in Him they are yes; therefore also through Him is our Amen to the glory of God through us. 2 Corinthians 1:20

God wastes nothing. He will take whatever circumstance brought into our life by force or by choice and turn it around. In our worst times, times we think survival is impossible, God was with us, allowing us to survive and providing a hopeful future, if we trust in him. I need to trust God with my future. I love this promise: “For you would forget your trouble, as waters that have passed by, you would remember it. “Your life would be brighter than noonday;Darkness would be like the morning.“Then you would trust, because there is hope; And you would look around and rest securely. Job 11:16-18

People will fail us and our trust will be broken. We will fail others and break their trust. God will not do either. God’s trust is supernatural, never failing. I have to let go of my life and give it to God. Trust him. It is unrealistic to believe I can give it all to him in one fell swoop. I let it go a little at a time. This is more for my benefit because God can handle it all, every bit of it. He will listen to our cries and comfort us without limits. He will always be there and never let us down. And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:10

It is a daily struggle and I need to be reminded daily, sometimes every minute, how much God has kept his promises to me and how I can trust him with my heart and life. With full confidence in God’s promises, there is nothing that can stop me. There is nothing on earth that can keep me from the future he has planned for me.

In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me? Psalm 56:4

Rock Bottom

Rock bottom is a place most people like to avoid. It is considered a place no one wants to be, including me. Rock bottom means different things to different people. Everyone’s rock bottom is at a different level. Sometimes we may think we are at rock bottom but there is so much further to go. If we are lucky, and this time I was, we are stopped and/or helped before we hit that point.  

When you go to a physician’s office or the emergency room, they will often ask what your pain level is on a scale of 0 to 10; 0 being no pain and 10 being the worst you have ever felt. Again, this is a range that is different for everyone, some have a bigger tolerance for pain. Emotionally I have been at hovering between a 7 and 9; today I hit 10. I am hurting so very much, but there is a huge difference between this pain and the pain of my past. The difference is I have had to recognize my own responsibility for this pain. Through a series of bad choices I have reached a different rock bottom. It is unlike the pit of depression I have been thrown or fallen into, I got here by myself.

I have made several choices in the last couple of months, many of them were made without thought of the present or future. I chose to put aside healing, put aside my relationship with God, and just settle for bad substitutes. I chose to hide emotions, drift through group, and try to remain numb. When remaining numb on my own became more difficult, I started over medicating. I abused my prescription drugs and started drinking with them. I slept from the time I got home from work until the next morning. I lost count of how many pills I would take in a day. I took my eyes off Jesus and fell into the bottom of a prescription bottle.

During the entire time this scenario progressed I never thought I was losing control. I honestly thought I still had everything tied up neatly and nobody knew the difference. I was so very, very wrong. I felt things start to unravel. People I worked with or spent time with started to ask me if I was okay. My mind was confused and I had trouble maintaining productivity at work. I started to become afraid. I became terrified that I was going to “lose it” or have a breakdown and I would have to admit I needed help. I was afraid of becoming vulnerable. My life was spinning out of control and I had no one to blame but myself.

One night in group I just started to cry. There was not a specific trigger I can recall that started it all, but I could not stop. I told the group how out of control I was feeling and my fear of appearing weak. I was vulnerable in front of others in a safe place. The group encouraged me to take care of myself and make valuable time for healing. They encouraged me to take care of myself. They loved me despite the vulnerability.

I would love to say the rest of the week went well, but by the end of the week I was in a behavioral health center. My facade of control was gone, not a shred of it was to be found. How I finally agreed to go is not as important as the fact I went. It was the last place I wanted to be; however, it was the place I needed to be.

According to Merriam-Webster, rock bottom is defined as, “the lowest possible level or point.”  I then decided to look up the word rock. I expected it to describe a large mass of stone or something similar. The first definition that came up, however, was “to move (someone or something) back and forth or from side to side.” This simple definition changed my view of rock bottom. What if I changed the meaning of ‘rock bottom’ in my heart?

No one is holy like the Lord! There is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God. 1 Samuel 2:2

I was in the hospital for 5 days. The withdrawal was unpleasant and continued after my release; however, my biggest issue was not withdrawal; it was my attitude. I followed all the rules, participated in group, was cooperative, and did all the things I thought would get me discharged quickly. I put my emotional barricade right back up. I did some writing but nothing was really sticking. I was drifting until my 4th day. I found out that morning that I was not going to be released later that day. Somehow the realization cracked the wall and I started to cry. I went into my room, lied on my bed, and just let the tears of disappointment flow. I had failed.

Later the same afternoon my mother called to check on me. We had a long talk and by the end I was crying again, right there in the main room, in front of everyone. My mother simply had reiterated what my support group and therapist had told me. She encouraged me to accept I was not getting out and embrace the opportunity before me. She told me to “scrape the bottom” and figure out why I was really there. I returned to my room, sobbing, and continued for at least an hour before falling asleep.

When I woke up I really started to write. I wrote down everything I was feeling, good and bad, and about how and why I was there. My husband had brought my Bible but they would not let me have it for a couple of different “safety” issues. I had to reach deep within and remember what I had learned previously and verses I had memorized. I remembered the strength of Jesus; a strength I never had but one he could carry me with. I thought I was at rock bottom, but really I had just found the rock I needed to stand on.

“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Matthew 7:24.

I still have a path to follow, a difficult one. God has laid this path for me and will lead me through. It will continue to really hurt at times but there will also be days of hope and happiness. My choices need to be based on His word and not my own thoughts. My choices lead to a semi-voluntary admission into a hospital. Focusing on God’s choices for my life and having patience to wait on Him, who has always been there, will lead me to His kingdom. There is no comparison.

Be my rock of safety where I can always hide. Give the order to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. Psalm 71:3

Framing My Life

Recently the following was quoted in a group session. “The ability to choose cannot be taken away or even given away-it can only be forgotten.” Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown.

To put it lightly, I overreacted and responded before thinking. I immediately took offense, calling into question my ability to choose to be abused when I was a 3-year-old girl. I was quickly brought back to earth with the phrase, spoken to the entire group, “you cannot frame everything within the abuse.” I was still in “reaction mode,” so the impact of the group leader’s statement did not reach me until hours later. The word that stuck out the most for me in the above statement was “frame.”

So many of my reactions, problems, and issues have been centered around the abuse. My perceptions and overall outlook have been influenced and framed within it. This is not to say I constantly dwell on the abuse, but I have a strong tendency to blame what is wrong with me on it. This needs to change.

I looked up the definition of frame and was pretty surprised by how many different definitions were listed. Typically I think of a frame as something that surrounds and holds together a photograph or painting. As I dug into the many different definitions, I gained new insight on how to change my frame of mind about the abuse.

Definition #1: To put something inside an open structure that holds it; to put something in a frame.

This first definition is what I typically think of in terms of a frame. I have framed several things in my life, from photographs to needlework. I have even framed a cartoon I thought was hilarious.

I started to think about the frame of my life, not so much the physical frame, but the internal, abstract, emotional frame. Imagine an empty frame when we are born. I am picturing a red velvet wall with a several empty fancy gold frames on it (maybe a little too tacky or garish, but it’s my imagination). Everything I experienced before the abuse ends up in one frame. I can see camping trips, riding a tricycle, moving across country, and the birth of my brother. It is like a collage and while some of the images are fuzzy, they are still there and are positive experiences. The process of filling this frame comes to an abrupt halt once the abuse starts.

A collage starts in another. This collage is the abuse. The ugly images start to fill it and it is a depressing picture of loss, anger, betrayal, and helplessness. When the last episode of childhood abuse ended, the frame was extended and became much bigger than the first.  I can see a line right down the middle with one side labeled “abuse” and the the other “after abuse.”

The “after abuse” collage consists of choices I have made, emotional reactions, depression, and what I perceived as my true identity based on the abuse; none of which are positive. I got stuck in that frame and everything in my life had become confined within it, whether or not I was aware.

This collage gets hung in the center of the wall and all other frames become connected to it, at least until I start to take the steps to recover.

Definition #2: Make or construct something by fitting parts together or in accordance with a plan.

I can now see another frame, a round one if you will. This starts to fill up with what I have learned about myself and abuse effects I need to overcome. The connection to the abuse collage discourages me at times, but sometimes the perspective changes and it becomes a source of motivation to overcome.  

My goal is to empty this 3rd frame. Take the effect, fix it or use it for good, and then move it to 4th frame. This new frame holds the steps I have taken to recover. It includes growth and self-awareness and starts to show a new path, a growing relationship with Christ, and a support system for accountability.

My mind and heart start to become open and more receptive to God’s plan for my life. The focus shows less of me and more of Christ. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

Definition #3: A story within a frame or a story constituting a frame for another story or a series of other stories.

My next frame (5th) is in the shape of a diamond. An amazing thing starts to happen when I shift and/or change the effects of abuse, recover, and develop a healthy relationship with Christ, I start to see the positive images of my life after I became an adult. I was intermittently in full denial or therapy, but the following positive events came about.

• Graduated from college with a Bachelors in finance.
• Obtained a job after college (ironically not related to my degree) that forced me to be independent and assertive. I discovered a level of self-esteem I did not know existed. My character became less passive.
• Good marriage and healthy children.
• Fell into a job I really enjoy and am confident about.
• Acquired a close circle of support through friends and church.
• Developed a more mature approach (most of the time) to uncomfortable situations and see the bigger picture.

I start to remember happier images from childhood and my teenage years. The first frame finally fills to capacity.

Definition #4 (frame of reference): A set of ideas, conditions, or assumptions that determine how something will be approached, perceived, or understand.

Know that wisdom is thus for your soul; If you find it, then there will be a future, And your hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 24:14

This last frame is my ultimate goal. It is not a 4-sided frame but it has one side, leaving the rest of the wall open. It fills with images of a life with more freedom. A life based on faith and hope. A future of moving forward in whichever direction Christ plans for me.  A life where my mind and mouth no longer react out of hurt, anger, and pain, but react out of love and peace. I let go of control and hand it over to God.

The frame with the abuse is moved to the bottom of the wall. It no longer drives any part of my life. It will never be forgotten, just moved from center of the wall. Looking at it will not stir up the same amount of pain, hurt, and confusion; it will just be a reminder of what Christ has brought me through.

Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13.

Anger? Forgiveness? Freedom?

I am still working on strategies to defuse the huge amount of anger I am holding onto. In my therapy the concept of forgiveness and justice has been discussed before but I really started thinking about it over the last few days. Could it be that one of the reasons I cannot defuse the anger is that I cannot really forgive my abusers? Could it be that I will never see any sort of justice that will equal what I have been through and that angers me? How much of the anger would dissipate if I really forgave my abusers and gave up on the possibility of earthly justice?

I believe when we die we will stand in judgement before God to atone for our sins. My therapist has told me that we will feel the pain we have caused others, even if they have forgiven us and we have asked God for forgiveness. Knowing how I have hurt others in the past and will in the future whether intentional, big or small, makes this concept rather frightening. It also encourages me to be more aware of my actions in the future.

When I think of my abusers standing in front of God and being made to feel the pain they caused me, it still does not seem like enough. It does not seem that a few seconds, or however long it is, comes close the years of pain I have endured due to their actions. Yes, I do recognize the double standard here.

Do we place more value (degree) of sin above other sins or offenses based on how much hurt is caused? Who quantifies hurt? Is the sin of gossip less of an offense than adultery or abusing a child or adult? In God’s eyes sin is sin. There are no levels or degrees of sin; they are all equal.

There will never be real justice for any of the "offended." If there is ever jail time, some sort of lawful punishment, or even death, the desire we have for the offender to feel the emotional pain we have suffered will never come to fruition. The only true way for them to feel it is to experience the same betrayal and sexual assault. Out of anger and/or hurt we may want to inflict this damage on them personally, but this in turn makes us the offender and has resolved nothing. The contribution of earned guilt to our already misplaced guilt could be catastrophic. To break the cycle of abuse, we have to choose to let go of the revenge. Not an easy task and admittedly I have done my share of revenge plotting.

I cannot have the relationship God desires to have with me with this lack of forgiveness and desire for revenge for my abusers. My heart is divided between wanting a closer relationship to God and the spiteful anger and bitterness I am holding onto.

If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand. Mark 3:35.

I am that house divided against itself. Judgement and justice are not mine to disperse. It is God’s. His command is for us to love, forgive, and not hate. We need to apply the grace he has given us to those who hurt us. I should be praying for their salvation and not their destruction. This almost seems impossible. So far I have not been able to do this and it hurts. To be honest, there are times the thought of praying for my abusers’ salvation turns my stomach, but it is ultimately what I am commanded to do.

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.“But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:19-21.

I believe every time we help each other, put a piece of the abuse behind us, grow, and heal, we are engaging in a type of healthy “revenge. We are taking our lives back. We will never know what will happen when our abusers come face to face with God, but we need to pray for their salvation. Is it not better to pray they have come to know God’s grace and not abused another person than to plot their ultimate destruction? Acts 26:18 ‘to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me.’

What would happen if I met my abusers again in heaven? Would they try to apologize? Will I even need it at that point? Will they ask for forgiveness? I will be in heaven, ultimately forgiven by God and granted eternal life. Nothing that happened on earth will matter anymore. How can I not forgive these men when God has forgiven me so many times and given me his grace?

I need prayers from other people to help me forgive. I wish it was easy but it might be the hardest thing I need to do to heal.  When I forgive these men I am not only following God’s command to do so, but I am gaining freedom from that anger. My “house” will start to come together and will no longer be divided.

I will pray for you. Please also pray for me, so we may all have freedom.