How do you handle it when people are not in the same place in recovery you are in? Depending on how much I am around the person, I may start out compassionate but then end up very frustrated. Tonight I took a step back and really started to think about why I get so frustrated with a survivor that seems to want to stay where they are and not move forward.
Everyone’s abuse (trauma) is different. No set of details is the same. Some abuse happened over a long period of time, some short term, and may be sometimes it was just once. It does not matter. It is all abuse and it all takes time to recover. The journey is different for everyone. There is no set recovery plan. The only similarity it seems is that everyone needs to take it in one way or another. Everyone’s feet must hit a path or road to recovery. How far they go is their choice. A choice that cannot be made for them.
Our similarities are in the issues and problems we have to deal with along the way. There is no set order to when we face them, but they will all have to be faced in one way or another. The list I made, and it is in no way complete is as follows. We will all have to deal with trust, safety, self-esteem (value), love, intimacy, anger with abusers or even God, sex, and faith. We all have to go through the stages of grief.
One of the things I have learned to love about group is the differences. We are all in different places. There are some of us who have been through several sessions of group and then there are those who are just starting to recover. After the first few sessions, depending on the dynamic, we begin to really see each other, trust each other, and healing begins. I have heard many heartbreaking stories along with many triumphs. I have seen people grow, including myself, and it is always encouraging. I have fussed, withdrawn, cried, and laughed in group. I have been encouraged by other group members to grow, have been pushed past my comfort zone, and loved by them. I am always learning from them. It has been an amazing amount of support. Without God, my individual therapist, and group I would not be anywhere close to where I am today. It is an amazing feeling. I never knew how much I needed other people.
An extremely frustrating thing about group can be when someone else just does not seem to get it. Actually it is more like they do not want to get it. There have been a few ladies, including me at times, who seemed to fight dealing or seeing with the real issue. Denial is an understatement. They are afraid to see because of how much it will hurt and no matter how much the group tries to help nothing is gained. So again, how do you handle it when people are not in the same place in recovery you are in and seem to refuse to even try?
Leaving group tonight I pulled around to the back of the parking lot to leave. As I moved around the building I saw something beautiful. I could not see the clouds in the sky but I could see the lightning behind them. It was a yellow glow. I know lightning is dangerous and if it was closer I would be afraid of it, but from a distance it was beautiful. I pulled my car over and tried to record it on my phone. God’s power through weather has always amazed me.
Anyway….as I was watching the lightning, every once in a while it would not just be a flash behind the clouds. A streak would actually appear that I am sure struck a part of the earth. In the few minutes I stood and watched, I realized my healing through counseling and group was similar to lightning show before me. The glow behind the clouds represented recovery on the surface or may be what I had already learned. A glow of hope in the storm clouds? The lightning streaks were the moments I really understood what had happened and how I could now break free. The streaks to the earth could be seen as the times realizations hit my heart and mind about what was happening and how I needed to push through it. I stood there for a few minutes more and then got back in my car. Almost the instant my door shut it occurred to me why it is so frustrating when a survivor cannot see what you are trying to show them, at least why it is so frustrating to me.
Through therapy and group I have learned things about myself and the recovery process I never thought possible. I have grown and have experienced such freedom from the abuse, especially in the last few weeks. Each lady in group has had some of the same growth and experienced the same freedom, whether in small pieces or in huge chunks. The point is that we have all gotten a little of our lives back and we want the same for those we love. When I see a way survivor is being hurt and not taking care of herself I want her to see it from my perspective. I want her to see what I am seeing in her life so she can recognize it and do something about it. I want her to grow and take care of herself. I want her to see that I really do care about her and that is why it is frustrating. I want her to see the same lightning I have experienced. I want her to see the glow in the clouds. I want her to experience the same hope and freedom I have felt and seen. I want her to chase the lightning.
The problem with this is that I cannot do it for her. She has to make the choice to open her eyes and be willing to recognize things that are very unpleasant and painful. The survivor has to be willing to fight to get her life back. She has to fight for the freedom and hope that I pray she sees in the rest of us. I have been selfish in that I want the survivor to start trying so I do not get as frustrated. Instead, I need to be patient. I have run and tried to hide from the truth so many times. I know how wasteful and painful it can be. I need to be compassionate yet still speak truth in love and not out of exacerbation. I need to be a gentle example and not have a sharp tongue. I need to remember that I have been her.
Some day, if I am lucky to be around when it happens, I want to love on her, push on her, and encourage her when the lightning strikes.
No comments:
Post a Comment