Holiday Survival

For many abuse victims the holidays are the toughest part of the year. It is a tough time for a lot of people for many different reasons, including the loss of loved ones, not having any family around, actually being around family, being alone, and/or just feeling depressed.

As abuse survivors, we have our own losses. We have lost security, sense of value, trust, and hope. If your abuser was/is a family member, the holidays can be an especially painful and difficult time. How do you face the abuser (s) or family members that know about it. If you have never been able to tell family, how do you not scream it out loud at the dinner table? The thought of having to suffer in silence and/or endure the presence of this same family is heartbreaking and can be incredibly depressing. It is really no wonder the holidays are dreaded.

What would happen if the perspective changed? What if we made an effort to think outside the box and reach deep to enjoy the holidays?

Thanksgiving-It is all in the name. Make an effort to find things to be thankful for. You will be surprised how quickly it adds up.

Even if I can only think of small things at first, the list will always get longer.

• A warm day.
• Sound of leaves under my feet (favorite since I was a child).
• Feel of a soft blanket over me.
• Roof over my head, food on my table.
• I survived the abuse.
• God created me and loves me unconditionally.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? … Matthew 6:25-27

For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:32-34.

Christmas-It may seem too obvious to focus on Christ and his birth, but I think there is more to it. While the focus should be on Christ, his purpose on earth should be considered. He came to save us, save me. The holiday has become over commercialized. It is easy to concentrate on gifts, food, and decorations. God’s gift to us provides nourishment for our hearts and decorates with light, pushing out the darkness.

How awesome would it be to concentrate on that only? What if we take this season and do one of two things, or both for that matter?

1. Try to let it go, at least a little.
2. Do something to help other survivors or a charitable organization.

Letting it Go

We all need a break. This is one of the hardest things to give ourselves once the healing process starts. If you are anything like me, you want to push through, get it out and over with. It does not work that way. I have been reminded of this on several occasions. I am one of the worst at learning to pace myself. I understand first hand that once you start this, the memories may just come at you wave after wave and it feels like you cannot catch your breath. I honestly do not know if it is possible to stop this wave because I was unable to do it myself. A few months later I was able to take each part a little at a time but it was difficult to slow down; it still is.

If you do not give yourself a break, the holidays will be that much more difficult. The focus will be overall negative, in turn crushing your spirit and you will miss out on all the joy. Not giving ourselves a break is also selfish because all we end up caring about is our feelings, our suffering, and our memories. This leads to my second point.

Help Someone Else

The ways to do this our endless. Helping others takes the focus off you and may change your perspective. It does not have to be a big jump outside the ever present comfort zone. It can be behind the scenes, but it is still just as important.

These are some ideas that are close to my heart:

• Volunteer to serve at a homeless shelter or donate to one. Black Friday and the sales leading up to Christmas are great times to purchase basics, such as socks and toiletries. These things can make a huge difference for someone.
• Write cards of support to women’s shelters. Donating the same items as above will also work.
• Check with law enforcement agencies to possibly get involved with an agency that helps victims of sex trafficking. There are really good national and international agencies. Behind the scenes work and cards/letters of support would be greatly appreciated.
• This may sound odd, but plant a tree. If you do not have a green thumb and are afraid of killing your tree (my hand is raised), do it through the Arbor Day Foundation. They will plant one in a national forest for you. Imagine planting a part of your past and it growing out of the dirt into something beautiful, something full of life.
• Just do something fun, even if you just blow bubbles.

Overall, reach for the positive. Take moments, however small, and focus on all you do have and what God has to offer.

Precious Jewels

I have a mother’s ring. Growing up I thought they were the ugliest rings on the planet. I could never understand why anyone would want one. My mother shared my sentiment and essentially forbade us from purchasing one for her. There were 5 kids, with 4 different birth months. I would imagine she was wary of a large ring with significantly clashing stones.

When I was physically done having children I started to consider a mother’s ring. I have 4 children but there are only 2 birth months. I decided, based on this, my ring would not be bad. However, I was determined to make sure my ring was different than the ones I had seen growing up. I did my research. I looked at the different stone options for the correct months, visited jewelry stores to look at the catalogs of options, and evaluated my metal choices. It literally took me 6 months to make a decision. With my decision made, I returned to the jewelry store of choice and ordered my perfect, one-of-a-kind mother’s ring. It is so different I sometimes have to explain that my ring is a mother’s ring and not just a randomly put together piece of jewelry.  

My husband made a big deal out of presenting my ring to me in front of our kids. They each claimed a stone (there were 4) on the ring representing their birth month. To this day, whenever they see me wearing it, they remind me which stone is theirs.

At a slow moment one day I was playing with my ring. I turned it over and over, thinking of my children and how precious they are to me. I considered their sense of pride knowing their mother wore something for the world to see that represented them. They feel a sense of value in the ring. As much as I enjoy their pride in the ring, my goal in life is to assure them that their value to me is much more than a stone on a ring. The well of love for them is deep and bottomless.

It hit me at that moment how precious we are to God, how deep his well of love is for us. Can you imagine the size of a ring to hold all the stones representing our births? I imagine it looks a lot like earth with each person a stone.  

God created us, loves us, and we are so precious to him. We can take pride in that we are his children.We are children he loves without fail. Our value is not wrapped up in actual physical stones, but wrapped up in His love. God sent his son to die for us. There is no greater love.

Thus says the Lord who made you and formed you from the womb, who will help you… Isaiah 44:2

When I feel completely unlovable, worthless, and just plain awful about myself it is hard to remember how much God loves and values me. I am a precious stone in God’s treasure, in His kingdom. My children are the most precious things in my “kingdom.” It goes way beyond a stone I have reserved on a ring. It is on a level that can never be explained or demonstrated to the fullest. God’s love is like that. It surpasses our imagination and/or comprehension. Our hearts and minds are not able to grasp this kind of love. As I said before, he sent his son to die for us. That is an incredible amount of love, far beyond our understanding.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well Psalm 139:14.

It was recently pointed out to me that there are no two people in the world alike and never have been. Even identical twins have different fingerprints. Think about this. I can create a ring representing my children, but I did not create them. Sure, I willingly participated in the actions that created the possibility, but God put them there. He already knew the DNA sequence he wanted to grow inside me. My children were created on purpose, when God was ready for them to be born whether or not I was. He did that for all of us. ALL OF US! We are all his children whether we know him or not. All of us are unique individuals with our own set of DNA, emotions, talents, and even bodies. For the most part we are anatomically the same, but that is just the basics for life.

The thought of all this overwhelms me. God took the time to create me personally. He designed me and is still designing me for his purpose. I have a father who values me more than anything in the world. The moments that I am deeply searching for value, to feel like I matter, all I need to look for is God. The mere thought is enough for me to grab a hold of the rope (or thread) to keep hope going and not give up. I am a gem in his kingdom and heart. I can now look at my mother’s ring and not only see my children but that I am a child of God.

One God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all. Ephesians 4:6.

Delivered

He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us. 2 Corinthians 1:10.

My body has survived the abuse. My heart survived also but the scars run so deep that it is in deadly peril now. God delivered me physically and now He is delivering me emotionally. There are days that I feel so lost and like I will never recover. I feel my heart will forever be cold and that I will always have to live with overwhelming sadness, guilt (however misplaced), and shame (also misplaced). It feels so heavy sometimes. The hopelessness is almost palpable. Those days I depend on my therapist, support group, and husband to pull me through. I am now starting to remember to depend on God to get me through also.

Every day is not horrible but there are those that are. Sometimes there are more bad days during a week then good ones and at times the opposite. I never really know how it is going to go. Unexpected things can trigger a memory, feeling, or even a body memory. It is hard to remember to breathe and separate what happened in the past from the present.

The days that are good it is easier for me to remember the hope. Not just the hope that is in God, but the hope that I will have more good days than bad. Hope that one day the abuse will be a passing thought if triggered and not a constant daily reminder. I really do not believe this hope is possible without God. He continues to deliver me through the bad days whether I seek him. He is always there, waiting for me to reach for Him. As the verse above states, as long as I set my hope in Him, God will continue to deliver me from the bad days and from the evil of the abuse affecting my wounded heart.  

Love and Lies

All abusers lie to their victims whether they use words or actions. I was lied to several times with phrases indicating I liked it, he was the only one who really cared for me, he would kill my father if I told, and it was my fault for a number of different reasons. Some of those reasons included “because I liked it,” “I got him excited,” and “I let him.” None of these were true but I accepted the lies for several years, damaging my self-esteem and making it difficult for me to believe I am worthy of anyone’s love, especially God’s.

A lot of abusers, like mine, tell us they love us and try to convince us they are showing just how much. This makes the abuse incredibly painful and confusing. The abuse makes it difficult to separate love and abuse. We fear love and sex and confuse their real purpose in life. Fear becomes a big component of our lives whether we realize it, and love becomes distorted. Once we recognize how distorted our thinking has become because of the abuse healthy and loving relationships seem impossible with a partner or with God.

1 John 4:8a states There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear. This completely contradicts what we were told by our abusers. My abuser terrified me. I specifically remember a time when my father left our apartment to buy a treat for not wetting the bed (red flag). I was afraid my abuser was babysitting. I pulled the covers over my head and pinned them down with my arms. I do not know how long I stayed that way but at the first tug on the covers I panicked. I kicked and fought against what I believed to be my abuser. After what seemed like an eternity the covers were pulled off, revealing my father. That kind of fear is not love in any way despite my abuser’s insistence he was “loving” me. My abuser telling me he loved me was a total lie.

The One who truly loves us does not lie. In order that by two interchangeable, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we may have strong encouragement, we who have fled to him for refuge in laying hold of the hope set before us. Hebrews 6:18. God is the greatest love; a love that can be trusted and depended on. A love never based on lies, but based on truth and hope.

What would happen if we could set aside the lies of our abusers? Choosing not to believe them and move forward is a difficult thing to do. There are times it will seem impossible and will hurt  to an almost unbearable level, but it is not. Moving past the lies of our abusers involves hard work. We can learn to see ourselves as God sees us. He created us and we are valued by Him.

In Acts 13 Paul and his companions went to Antioch. They preached the gospel and many people believed. The Jews were jealous and pushed them out of the city. They persecuted them and they left without damaged spirits. Verses 51-52 of this chapter state But they shook off the dust of their feet in protest against them and went to Iconium. And the disciples were continually filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.

We need to chose to dust off our abuser’s lies in protest, letting go of the damage they caused. I want to make this choice and move to the next stage of my journey, filled with joy and relying on the Holy Spirit for the strength to follow through. In this way I will be victorious over my abusers, no longer letting them control my view of myself.

Submitting Ourselves Safely

Today the preacher’s sermon was on Colossians 3:18-21. Wives be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not embittered against them. Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Fathers do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart. At first I did not see how any of the above could apply to healing from abuse. All the submission spoken of above is done ultimately under God’s authority, not man’s. We did not submit to our abusers, they demanded our bodies. The abuse was in no way under God’s authority.

Mentioning any type of submission to an abuse survivor is enough to send them running, either mentally or physically.  I think as survivors of abuse, we take two basic roads. One is submitting to basically everyone. We never fight for what we believe or want because we believe we do not have a voice that counts. We become people pleasers and want everyone to like us. The other is to completely defy authority and please nobody. We try to control every situation and never let anyone close, refusing to be taken advantage of again. Many of us may land somewhere in the middle. I started thinking about submission to God in my life and my healing. There is no doubt in my mind that I cannot gain my life back and heal without Him.

I mostly fall into the defy authority category. I want control of my surroundings and not let anyone tell me what to do. I have often been described as stoic, unfeeling, and cold hearted. All of these characteristics can point to my defiance, especially my defiance in letting God fill my heart and mind. A lot of times I was not as cold hearted as others thought, I just felt showing emotion would show weakness and I was not about to show weakness. I am a little (maybe a lot) stubborn when it comes to asking for help also. All of these I need to give to God, submit to his authority. This is extremely difficult for me. I have serious doubts about anyone who claims they have gotten over their abuse because they just gave “it all to God and He has taken care of it.” I have several issues with this train of thought. This implies that real healing did not take place. The past was not faced, just tossed aside. It is impossible to gain our lives back without facing the past and slogging through the muck of abuse. We cannot be healed from what we do not acknowledge.

Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. James 4:7

All of the characteristics I listed for myself, resisting authority; cold hearted; showing weakness; and wanting to control my surroundings are from the devil. These are completely opposite of what God wants for my life. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body, and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:7-8.

Submitting to God’s authority is safe. He is not going to abuse his authority like those who abused us. God can be trusted. We can submit to His will for our future. He will heal me, I just need to trust him. We will trust a medical doctor almost blindly to heal us and take care of our diseases and medical problems. A medical doctor is human and not immune to mistakes. If we blindly trust and submit to the wisdom of a human doctor, why is it so hard to submit and blindly trust the wisdom of the ultimate Healer; one who is flawless. This is not to say everything needs to be “submitted” at one time. We can do it little by little, growing in His love and healing just as infants learning their world. Infants do not learn to trust.They do not know what trust is until it is broken. We sometimes need to start all over, in infancy with God, in order to re-establish a safe, healing world, with God as our father, submitting to his authority, trusting the One who has never given us a reason not to trust Him.

The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble, and those who know Thy name will put their trust in Thee; For Thou, O Lord, hast not forsaken those who seek thee. Psalm 9:9-10.

Scars

I have a lot of scars on my body. The bigger ones are from surgeries I have had in the past to repair knees, stomach issues, give birth to children, and to remove further possibility of children. I never really think about those scars unless they are going to be exposed to strangers. I like to think my husband does not even seen them anymore, that I am his wife and my heart for him matters more.

The scars on my body that bother me the most are the ones I created. The cuts I have inflicted upon myself out of a myriad of emotions related to my abuse that were not healthy, true, or not dealt with in a productive, safe way. The cuts were usually made in hidden places, places I sometimes I even managed to hide from my husband by withholding sex so he would not see them. This was unfair to him and to myself, as the intimacy we so desperately need in marriage was being tainted and ignored. My husband has now seen them all, and while it bothers him significantly that the scars are there, I no longer have to hide them. The worst are the ones in places other people can see, created out of the same overwhelming emotions without the consideration of placement, mostly created out of a severe lack of control. Believe or not, some cutting is controlled, but that explanation is beyond my scope.

The scars most visible are on my arms. I had a good, plausible explanation the first time these appeared. The only ones who knew the truth were my husband, who had to clean them up; my therapist; and I suspect my group leader. I cannot tell you what was going on when they were made because I really cannot recall my state of mind at the time.

A month or so later, it happened again. I do not recall the emotional force behind it but it was a desire to see how much I would bleed. It was a constant cutting, trying to reach the vein in the crook of my arm. I was unsuccessful but was caught by my husband and required a trip to the ER. I made up a story about being impaled by scissors by a running dog. I begged my husband to stick with the story. He promised no such thing and said he would crack under the pressure of being asked directly, but would keep silent and let me do the talking. The doctor never seemed to question my story and debated on whether to “glue” it shut or use stitches. I asked for stitches, simply because if there was not something physical in the way, I was afraid another attempt would be made to get to that vein.

The last incident this summer (and hopefully the last ever), was a little over a month ago. I remember being in a state of emotional wreckage and blindly hacked at my arm and then traced the veins. It was a mess, but a controllable one. My husband made me go the ER, not because of the cuts but I had evidently taken a significant amount of my anxiety pills with vodka in order to “calm down.” I narrowly escaped being hospitalized. I was constantly asked if I was suicidal and the answer was a truthful “no.” I really was not, just really upset. They hesitantly released me into the care of my husband and insisted I call my therapist in the morning.

Whew, that was really hard to write. Because of the last incident, I wore long sleeves for a solid week to keep the cuts covered. I did not want to have to offer any type of explanation and I knew that lying was not going to be an option. It was just too obvious. Of course we hit the hottest days of the summer and I suffered through the heat to hide my secret.

All the scars on my arms haunt me. Some days they almost seem to glow out of anger. They appear redder, almost purple, and so obvious. Other days they are more subtle, light in color and barely visible unless looking closely. I am sure there is some biological reason for this, like the temperature in the room or whether I am hot or cold, but I was thinking today it might have something to do with the temperature of my heart. Some days I just need to be reminded in a more obvious way of how I lost control and how I need to make sure I look for the alternative, look to God.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. I Corinthians 6:19-20. The context of this verse is in reference to Paul speaking about sexual immorality among believers. To me, this verse speaks of everything I do that does not honor God with my body. Destroying it intentionally, bleeding in an effort to get out pain and emotion that I should try to turn over to him, may be even worse. Jesus paid the ultimate price for me to be whole in God’s eyes. Who am I to go against that and disfigure myself out of selfishness? Is the temptation to cut still there? Most definitely. I was recently advised to delay cutting by an hour, or even just 30 minutes, and find something else to do with that time, in the hopes that at the end of the allotted time the feeling will have passed and I would find a constructive way to handle the pain and emotion. It did work. I cannot say I turned it all over to God, but some of it did. I am looking forward to the day when this is no longer an issue for me, when the pain and emotion of abuse is not so overwhelming that I can hardly breathe. If I keep trying, surround myself with people who will encourage me to stay safe and seek God, I know I can get there.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13.

Seeing the Light

Isaiah 9:2-”The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.”

The title of the chapter reads “TO US A CHILD IS BORN.” Even though the subject is the birth of Christ and all he will do for the nation of Israel, but I believe this is valuable to anyone who has seen such darkness that it seems light will never get through. It gives a sense of hope, a hope that so many abuse survivors never see or feels impossible to comprehend.

I was really young when the abuse started. My sense of safety and value was ripped away at the age of 3. It was not just abuse that did this. My whole family was in turmoil and I believe I was just lost in all of it. Nothing was certain and changes happened way too fast for me to even process. I grew to accept that I was never good enough, easily torn down by the words and actions of others even after the abuse stopped.

My parents married because my mother was pregnant with me. She was 16 and my father 19. He joined the Navy 7 months later and was gone for months at a time. When I was 2 we moved from South Carolina to San Diego to stay with my dad for the 2 months he was there and then we returned to South Carolina. When I was 3 we moved to San Diego permanently to live with my dad. My brother was born shortly afterward. My abuse started at 3 with one of my dad’s navy buddies that lived in the apartment with us.. My parents separated when I was 4 and were divorced by the time I was 5. My abuser was evidently having an affair with my mother. Before I turned 6 my mother was remarried and I now had a stepfather, stepsister, and a whole other step-family that tolerated my existence because I came with the “package.”

For years, actually up until this summer, I was under the delusion that the abuse was the only thing that negatively impacted my life. I never connected the family turmoil and upheaval with the abuse. It never occurred to me that no one saw what was happening because they were too wrapped up in their own lives to realize mine was being shattered. The concept that my mother was having an affair with my abuser is something I have not been able to get my head around from any angle. I honestly believe that if she knew, it would not have continued, both the affair and abuse. The most violent attack by this abuser happened when I was 5. Was it out of revenge because the relationship with my mother was about to end. I will never really know this and I have to find a way to live without that knowledge. The details of why will not change anything and will not be justified anyway.

This realization of an unstable family and abuse devastated me. I felt the little girl inside just being ripped apart by all the confusing, painful actions of the adults that were supposed to love and protect her. I felt her sense of loss and how devalued she felt. I remembered all the fights between my parents where the police were called. My brother and I shared a room in that last apartment and I remember my father standing in front of his crib, blocking my mother, saying “I get Adam.” Nothing I had been through was as emotionally crushing as that statement. I did not even matter to my father. He wanted my brother.

Looking at it from an adult perspective, I know my father loved me and that statement occurred in the heated battle of divorcing parents. That child is still hurt and feels abandoned. Those years, from 2 to 6, were probably to worst of my life. Other traumatic events happened in my life of course, but nothing like within those 4 years. Those 4 years marked me and are the darkest. I survived that and it has taken me this long to see the light.

To this day I struggle with the relationship with my earthly father. It was, and still is, hard for me to imagine a heavenly father with unconditional love and acceptance when my earth examples always seem to be conditional, based on my actions. I have to be lovable for them. Learning that God loves me for who I am and unconditionally is stirring a joy in me that I had no idea existed. I tell my own children I love them every day and at least once a week tell them that there is nothing in this world they could do to ever make me stop loving them. Why do I not let myself hear and feel the same from my heavenly Father. God values me, sees me as a prize child, and loves me. He rejoices when I come to Him with praise and sorrow. He comforts me and lets me know he holds me in his hands and heart.

1 John 3:1 See how much our Father loves us, for He calls us his children, and that is what we are!

Jeremiah 31:3 Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love, I have drawn myself to you.”

My focus needs to be on this Father, to let that little girl sit on His lap, wrap His protective arms around her, and let her know how much she is loved and valued. He created her and is her true father. She and I have walked through the dark shadows and are ever so ready to feel and see the light of God.