Seeing the Light

Isaiah 9:2-”The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.”

The title of the chapter reads “TO US A CHILD IS BORN.” Even though the subject is the birth of Christ and all he will do for the nation of Israel, but I believe this is valuable to anyone who has seen such darkness that it seems light will never get through. It gives a sense of hope, a hope that so many abuse survivors never see or feels impossible to comprehend.

I was really young when the abuse started. My sense of safety and value was ripped away at the age of 3. It was not just abuse that did this. My whole family was in turmoil and I believe I was just lost in all of it. Nothing was certain and changes happened way too fast for me to even process. I grew to accept that I was never good enough, easily torn down by the words and actions of others even after the abuse stopped.

My parents married because my mother was pregnant with me. She was 16 and my father 19. He joined the Navy 7 months later and was gone for months at a time. When I was 2 we moved from South Carolina to San Diego to stay with my dad for the 2 months he was there and then we returned to South Carolina. When I was 3 we moved to San Diego permanently to live with my dad. My brother was born shortly afterward. My abuse started at 3 with one of my dad’s navy buddies that lived in the apartment with us.. My parents separated when I was 4 and were divorced by the time I was 5. My abuser was evidently having an affair with my mother. Before I turned 6 my mother was remarried and I now had a stepfather, stepsister, and a whole other step-family that tolerated my existence because I came with the “package.”

For years, actually up until this summer, I was under the delusion that the abuse was the only thing that negatively impacted my life. I never connected the family turmoil and upheaval with the abuse. It never occurred to me that no one saw what was happening because they were too wrapped up in their own lives to realize mine was being shattered. The concept that my mother was having an affair with my abuser is something I have not been able to get my head around from any angle. I honestly believe that if she knew, it would not have continued, both the affair and abuse. The most violent attack by this abuser happened when I was 5. Was it out of revenge because the relationship with my mother was about to end. I will never really know this and I have to find a way to live without that knowledge. The details of why will not change anything and will not be justified anyway.

This realization of an unstable family and abuse devastated me. I felt the little girl inside just being ripped apart by all the confusing, painful actions of the adults that were supposed to love and protect her. I felt her sense of loss and how devalued she felt. I remembered all the fights between my parents where the police were called. My brother and I shared a room in that last apartment and I remember my father standing in front of his crib, blocking my mother, saying “I get Adam.” Nothing I had been through was as emotionally crushing as that statement. I did not even matter to my father. He wanted my brother.

Looking at it from an adult perspective, I know my father loved me and that statement occurred in the heated battle of divorcing parents. That child is still hurt and feels abandoned. Those years, from 2 to 6, were probably to worst of my life. Other traumatic events happened in my life of course, but nothing like within those 4 years. Those 4 years marked me and are the darkest. I survived that and it has taken me this long to see the light.

To this day I struggle with the relationship with my earthly father. It was, and still is, hard for me to imagine a heavenly father with unconditional love and acceptance when my earth examples always seem to be conditional, based on my actions. I have to be lovable for them. Learning that God loves me for who I am and unconditionally is stirring a joy in me that I had no idea existed. I tell my own children I love them every day and at least once a week tell them that there is nothing in this world they could do to ever make me stop loving them. Why do I not let myself hear and feel the same from my heavenly Father. God values me, sees me as a prize child, and loves me. He rejoices when I come to Him with praise and sorrow. He comforts me and lets me know he holds me in his hands and heart.

1 John 3:1 See how much our Father loves us, for He calls us his children, and that is what we are!

Jeremiah 31:3 Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love, I have drawn myself to you.”

My focus needs to be on this Father, to let that little girl sit on His lap, wrap His protective arms around her, and let her know how much she is loved and valued. He created her and is her true father. She and I have walked through the dark shadows and are ever so ready to feel and see the light of God.