Just A Touch

I came across the following section of scripture in the midst of writing a different piece. It did not fit the subject I was investigating but it gave me pause. 

A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:24-34

This woman intrigues me and I relate to her. She had been suffering for twelve years not only from the bleeding but from the shame and isolation forced upon her. In the world in which she lived she was already a second-class citizen. With the constant bleeding she was also considered untouchable; no one was allowed to touch her lest they become unclean themselves. 

How often have I felt unclean because of my abuse? It has been longer than twelve years. I have spent days, weeks, months, and years hiding myself due to shame and a feeling of being damaged. I often find it difficult to believe anyone would really love me if they knew the truth. As an abuse victim, I feel there had to be something genetically wrong with me in order to be abused by so many men. I never could put my finger on it but there had to be something that flashed “Abuse Me! I’m not worth saving.” 

There is the doubt about being worthy to be loved and cared for. It seems so much easier to hide real feelings and emotions than let someone in on how much of a train wreck you really feel. No one wants to date a disaster. Early on we learn to pretend everything is okay and keep our dark secrets. We do not want to create trouble and need everything on the surface to look normal. Deep inside we are desperate to find someone to love us, understand us, and heal our hearts. More often than not, we end up spending all our time with people who will take advantage of our weakness and our spirits become more damaged. 

The woman who reached for Jesus’ cloak had not given up. As much as she had been isolated and ostracized in her world, she still had enough fight in her to reach for Jesus. She pushed through obstacles to get to him. It is possible the crowd surrounding Jesus was not familiar with her plight, otherwise she would have been cast aside and never allowed to get close enough to touch him. She was there, however, with a secret contained within that would make her an outcast. This woman had heard of Jesus and made sure she got close enough. 

I want to talk a little about her level of shame. She was unclean by the standards in her time. If she had been bleeding since puberty, no man would be able to marry her. It was forbidden to lie with a woman while she was menstruating. If she started the constant bleeding after marriage, she could be divorced simply because she could not engage in intercourse and produce children. Her circumstances placed a burden on her that would have made it difficult to look anyone in the eye. She had to hide. When Jesus healed the sick he came face to face with them. The woman was desperate and afraid, so she came up behind and touched Jesus’ cloak. 

Why do I hide from the healing power of Jesus? Like the woman in the scripture, my affliction was not my doing. I did nothing to cause the abuse and she did nothing to cause the hemorrhaging. The shame inflicted on myself simply comes from within. I internalize the shame and guilt; none of it my fault. I did not cause it. I was moping up the needs of men who had no regard for me as a person. Their actions were absorbed by my emotions and sense of self-worth. I made myself an outcast. 

When Jesus felt her touch he turned and asked who had touched him. Jesus was walking with a crowd of people. What made her touch so obvious to him? I believe it was the desperation and faith behind it. Although she did not know Jesus, she had heard of him and just knew touching anything attached to him would restore her. He felt the power of her faith, not the physical touch of his cloak. 

While I fully believe this woman walked away from this encounter with Christ completely healed, without residual effect from her disease, she did have to adjust to a new life. She had been in bad shape physically and socially for twelve years. Physically her body was restored but how long did it take for the emotional healing? She had to engage society again, let her people know she was healed and no longer untouchable. They had to understand that she was no longer damaged and was now worthy of marriage and a respectable reputation. How many people tried to dim the light in her eyes? Squash her hope of a better future? Was she her worst critic as I am? 

Unlike the woman in scripture, I can reach for Jesus with a prayer and seek healing. I do not have to fight through a crowd to get to him. I only have to fight myself to get in his presence. I can spiritually reach for his cloak, having the faith that he can restore and heal. In fact, I do not need to seek his cloak, I can seek his hand on mine and feel him enter my heart. Emotional healing is not instant for us because we live on earth and are subject to the influences around us, even the negative influences in our minds. If we fight through the noise within ourselves and reach for Jesus, the noise becomes a whimper and we are filled with the hope and love of Jesus Christ. Our faith will make us well. 

The Guilt Equation

People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Luke 18:15-16.

Guilt and shame of abuse are incredibly difficult to let go of. How long have you felt guilty about your abuse/assault? How many times has the voice inside you told you it was all your fault? I have felt guilty since the first minute of abuse and I have yet to completely shut that voice off in my head. 

I had a long list of reasons it was all my fault. I just knew there had to be something wrong with me, especially when it kept happening. There had to be flaw I just could not pinpoint but my abuser saw it. He saw it as permission to abuse me. 

After my first abuser moved on I was abused 3 years later by our 16-year-old neighbor. I blamed this on myself also. That felt the mysterious flaw was still evident to others and I was starting to accept abuse as a way of life. After the third abuser, when I was 10, the idea there was something wrong with me and that I deserved the abuse was etched in cement in my mind. No one person around me was telling me any different. Of course, it was all a secret so there was not anyone who could tell me different. All I heard was the voice inside it and the pressure to keep it secret. I was alone due to guilt and shame, misplaced as it was. 

I have been hiding for years, carrying the secret and shame heavy on my heart. When I broke my silence at age 16 I still felt the shame and guilt. Admitting it happened just shifted some of the burden from inside to outside. I still felt it was all my fault and now other people knew I was flawed. My mother, pastors, and therapists told me for years it was not my fault. I never believed them. I just knew that if they were aware of all the details and how many times it happened, they would blame me also. 

I have been fighting to let go this idea, chiseling it out of the cement I etched it in. 

Today, a few decades later, I can tell you it was never my fault. Logically it makes perfect sense to place the blame on the actual abusers. Emotional acceptance is the hardest obstacle. I have often heard the few feet from the brain to the heart is the longest, most difficult journey. I cannot agree with that statement enough. People are often described as having a wall around their heart or a closed heart. Outside forces cannot begin to open a heart or tear down a wall until the internal forces start to crack the shell. It has taken so very long, but my walls started cracking and logic started to weave its way through the cracks. 

In Sunday School (Life Group) a week or so ago our class was in Romans and talking about Paul and his message to the Roman Church. I wish I had taken better notes about the reference but I did write down the statement that made the brain-heart journey a little shorter. 

Sin leads to guilt; Guilt leads to hiding (shame). 

BAM! To me this was the equivalent of a dark curtain being drawn back and a brighter world full of beautiful colors revealed. It was almost a ‘“facepalm” moment. In a manner of seconds I had changed the equation a little and a huge chunk of the wall fell down. 

His (abuser’s) sin leads to his guilt; His guilt leads to his hiding (shame). 

I DO NOT APPEAR IN THAT EQUATION AND NEVER BELONGED IN IT! 

If I could sill safely turn cartwheels, I would. A lot of rejoicing when on in my head and the party made it to my heart. 

I have guilt and shame to deal with resulting of my choices, but the abuse was never my choice at any age, and the guilt and shame are not mine and have never been. I have tried finding the words to explain this new feeling. I have kind of a funny picture in my mind. Imagine having a 50-pound of junk chained to your body and you have been dragging it for years, letting it hinder your life and growth. All of a sudden God breaks the chains and you fall face down in the dirt from the sudden release. You get up, dust yourself off, and float into the arms of God. There is just so much joy. A joy that cannot be contained. I may not be able to shout this new freedom from the rooftops, but I my steps are lighter and there is a smile that starts deep in my heart. It is a feeling I pray we will all have. 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30