The Guilt Equation

People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Luke 18:15-16.

Guilt and shame of abuse are incredibly difficult to let go of. How long have you felt guilty about your abuse/assault? How many times has the voice inside you told you it was all your fault? I have felt guilty since the first minute of abuse and I have yet to completely shut that voice off in my head. 

I had a long list of reasons it was all my fault. I just knew there had to be something wrong with me, especially when it kept happening. There had to be flaw I just could not pinpoint but my abuser saw it. He saw it as permission to abuse me. 

After my first abuser moved on I was abused 3 years later by our 16-year-old neighbor. I blamed this on myself also. That felt the mysterious flaw was still evident to others and I was starting to accept abuse as a way of life. After the third abuser, when I was 10, the idea there was something wrong with me and that I deserved the abuse was etched in cement in my mind. No one person around me was telling me any different. Of course, it was all a secret so there was not anyone who could tell me different. All I heard was the voice inside it and the pressure to keep it secret. I was alone due to guilt and shame, misplaced as it was. 

I have been hiding for years, carrying the secret and shame heavy on my heart. When I broke my silence at age 16 I still felt the shame and guilt. Admitting it happened just shifted some of the burden from inside to outside. I still felt it was all my fault and now other people knew I was flawed. My mother, pastors, and therapists told me for years it was not my fault. I never believed them. I just knew that if they were aware of all the details and how many times it happened, they would blame me also. 

I have been fighting to let go this idea, chiseling it out of the cement I etched it in. 

Today, a few decades later, I can tell you it was never my fault. Logically it makes perfect sense to place the blame on the actual abusers. Emotional acceptance is the hardest obstacle. I have often heard the few feet from the brain to the heart is the longest, most difficult journey. I cannot agree with that statement enough. People are often described as having a wall around their heart or a closed heart. Outside forces cannot begin to open a heart or tear down a wall until the internal forces start to crack the shell. It has taken so very long, but my walls started cracking and logic started to weave its way through the cracks. 

In Sunday School (Life Group) a week or so ago our class was in Romans and talking about Paul and his message to the Roman Church. I wish I had taken better notes about the reference but I did write down the statement that made the brain-heart journey a little shorter. 

Sin leads to guilt; Guilt leads to hiding (shame). 

BAM! To me this was the equivalent of a dark curtain being drawn back and a brighter world full of beautiful colors revealed. It was almost a ‘“facepalm” moment. In a manner of seconds I had changed the equation a little and a huge chunk of the wall fell down. 

His (abuser’s) sin leads to his guilt; His guilt leads to his hiding (shame). 

I DO NOT APPEAR IN THAT EQUATION AND NEVER BELONGED IN IT! 

If I could sill safely turn cartwheels, I would. A lot of rejoicing when on in my head and the party made it to my heart. 

I have guilt and shame to deal with resulting of my choices, but the abuse was never my choice at any age, and the guilt and shame are not mine and have never been. I have tried finding the words to explain this new feeling. I have kind of a funny picture in my mind. Imagine having a 50-pound of junk chained to your body and you have been dragging it for years, letting it hinder your life and growth. All of a sudden God breaks the chains and you fall face down in the dirt from the sudden release. You get up, dust yourself off, and float into the arms of God. There is just so much joy. A joy that cannot be contained. I may not be able to shout this new freedom from the rooftops, but I my steps are lighter and there is a smile that starts deep in my heart. It is a feeling I pray we will all have. 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30