Scent of a Memory

Endless ruin has overtaken my enemies, you have uprooted their cities; even the memory of them has perished. Psalm 9:6

It is possible I am being haunted by scents of the past. I am going to attempt to explain without coming off as kooky.

There are so many triggers associated with each memory. Abuse is 5-dimensional. There is sound, sight, touch, smell, and sometimes taste; none of which are pleasant. Our brains do not “forget” any of these. We may not be able to reach them consciously but the memories are there, part of the repression.

For years I had problems with the smell of marijuana and could not figure out why. I had no recollection smelling it prior to my first exposure in middle school. I was visiting the mother of one of my friends in another city. That evening the mother’s friends came over and smoked it during the night. I was instantly uneasy. I remember the knots in my stomach and an overwhelming desire to head home, which was not an option. The smoke was thick and I ended up with a second-hand smoke high. The entire weekend was uncomfortable for me for several reasons. I was out of my element and comfort zone for one but there was a nagging feeling in my gut that it all too familiar. 

My next encounter with marijuana involved coworkers in a restaurant. I would hang out with them until the joint was brought out and then just excuse myself politely. My coworkers knew I was not going to participate and respected my decision to leave. I could not stand to be around it. I made concentrated efforts to stay away from it but eventually the picture memory followed the smoke exposure; unfortunately it was at a Pink Floyd concert I had been dragged to kicking and screaming by my first husband.

There are other smells that bring me back to the abuse. I hate them. The “smell” memories are more random and always lead to something worse, for me anyway. My thought process usually involves, “What about this smell is bothering me? What is it related to?” Questions for which I really do not want answers but inevitably the unpleasant answer arrives.

Back to haunting scents. With marijuana and the others I have been in a place where the smell made sense, especially the concert. Lately the scent I am getting is out of place. I will get a whiff in the car, outside on a walk, in the house, and even at the mall. At first I thought it was just me. I would take two showers a day, washed all my clothes in a different detergent, cleaned out my car, and would wear perfume. None of this helped, as it still happens. As soon as I placed the smell I felt dizzy. It is the smell of my abuser right after he was done. Even when the abuse happened in the shower he smelled the same. It is hard to describe, but it is along the lines of a person who sweats beer mixed with body odor and something sweet. Just writing about this is causing me to feel ill and anxious.

At this time the memory of this scent has not thrown me into a full flashback, just a memory. I certainly hope it stays that way. If not, I am praying I will be able to reach for the tools established for this. I want to be able to step out of it, take a deep breath, and concentrate on the present, reminding myself it happened in the past and I am safe now. It is really difficult to put the plan into action. Practice is required and not every coping skill will work for everyone. You have to find what works for you, often with trial and error. Having a private counselor help you with these skills is helpful. They have several strategies and can encourage ones that may work based on their knowledge of who you are. Talking myself down from a flashback or an overwhelming emotion has saved my life a couple of times. I am not always successful and become disappointed but I am still here. The flashbacks and memories are not the end. I have to remember I made it through others and will make it through more in the future. It boils down to reality mixed with hope.

For He delivered us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son Colossians 1:13