I have not been writing lately. Ironically I have never needed to write more. Writing has always been therapeutic yet I hesitate when I am aware of how much I do not want to discover in the words.
Over the last 20 years or so I have been started on a few antidepressants. The first one I stopped myself because I really did not think it was helping. I did not ask for another, thinking I would get the same result. I was off for several years afterwards, until my first hospitalization. When I left the hospital I was placed on a combination of 3. Over time the medications were adjusted by a psychiatrist and life moved along pretty smoothly.
Around 2 years ago medications were added and adjusted as my depression and PTSD symptoms became worse. It reached a point where I was on seven different medications and I was not any better.
Last year I agreed (under some duress) to enter a behavioral health center to accept help for self-destructive decisions and an addiction to anti-anxiety medication. Several medications were stopped and I was discharged on a total of 3 medications for depression and PTSD. Since discharge a great deal of recovery has occurred. I worked hard to push through a lot of things holding me back. Hope became more apparent and my spirit lifted. After discussing it with my counselor, it was agreed I was in a much better place in my recovery and I talked to my psychiatrist about tapering off one of the medications. She recommended we wait until it had been at least six months after discharge and I agreed to wait.
Recently I met with her and she started to tape my dose. After battling with insurance my new prescription was filled and I started the new dose. Not even 2 days later the side effects of withdrawal became apparent. The last couple of weeks have been unpleasant and the temptation to give up and return to the higher dose strong. I have not surrendered but have found how much the difficult recovery work has changed my thought process and strengthened my character.
Perseverance- The word “can’t” is no longer in my recovery vocabulary. I can no longer tread water in a sea of doubt. I have learned to swim through the muck of memories, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts and actions, hopelessness, and have made it to shore. There are moments, like now, when it seems a tidal wave is overtaking me, but I can see the big wave for what it is, a temporary distraction. I am no longer able to convince myself I am incapable of handling and/or processing my situation. There are times I would like to rest on “can’t” and it frustrates me that it is no longer an option simply because I just get so tired.
Trust- I shared with my support group the struggle with withdrawal. I was quiet and felt the need to let the group know why I was silent and seemingly detached. It never occurred to me to not tell them. There was no hesitancy in sharing. I trust my group and felt safe enough to share, knowing I would not be judged. Transparency has never been a character trait of mine before. People are being invited into my life and struggle. It feels odd but freeing. The concrete walls around my heart now I have windows in them.
Faith- God has shown me so much in the last couple of years. My eyes were opened and my heart felt His peace. He is in control and will carry me through good and bad times. He is my salvation, hope, and teacher. I do not know how long the withdrawal symptoms will last and the overall length of time to get to the minimum dose, but I do know this is temporary, a drop in the bucket. God is holding me, guiding me through. All I have to do is let Him.
I am now at a point where I am feeling back to my new normal. My body has adjusted to the decreased dose. My psychiatrist recommended tapering my dose further and I have decided against it, along with the recommendation of my primary care physician and private therapist. The decision was made based on an awareness of my own body and how I want to take care of it, which I will explore further in a future post. For right now I am going to rest with this new dose and not push harder than my body can handle.
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