Seeking

I am thinking about my first and worse abuser. I am wondering what steps I need to take at this point. Even if I never contact him or tell his daughter the truth, I need to take action. 

I have never been the vigilante type, at least not outwardly. So many times I thought I would feel better if I could imagine a painful, horrible act of revenge. I have written before about my abuser watching me bulldoze his house with him sitting in the middle of it. I wanted him to watch his world being destroyed and be absolutely helpless. It still

seems like a minor inconvenience to his life compared to what I have endured. 

It may seem really odd that I have sort of befriended my abuser’s daughter. I had a hard time remembering what my abuser’s face looked like. I remembered everything else about him. It had always bothered me that I could not remember a monster’s face. There were several different avenues I went down trying to find this man.

One of the websites I visited often was http://www.familywatchdog.us. This site keeps up with convicted sex offenders. I searched it several times over a year looking for him. I came across men with the same name but none of their faces ever triggered anything. 

My father was in the Navy with this person and on the same ship at one point. For my father’s birthday one year I decided to get a copy of the cruise book for his first ship. A couple of months beforehand I managed to get a digital copy of it Trembling I went through the pages, searching for his face. When I got to the page where his picture should have been it was not there. There was a small blurb at the bottom of the page listing the names of men not pictured. His name was on that list. I was disappointed and a little relieved at the same time. I did obtain more information, however. The name I knew him by was his middle name. I now had his first name. Still, I left it alone for a few months. 

I cannot remember exactly when I picked up the search again. The internet can be a powerful tool. Armed with the years he was in the Navy and the state of his hometown (via my father) I was able to narrow down my search. I found a website where members of the Navy could try and get in touch with shipmates. It was not very specific, but I did find out his wife’s name and his actual hometown. I was getting closer. The entry also listed he had 2 children. 

I kept at it off and on. I found another website that proved to be more than helpful. It listed several men with the same name in the same state but it also provided a list of family names. Since I had his wife’s name I was able to find him. There were at least 3 addresses listed for him but they were all in the same city. The names I did not recognize I assumed were his children. I then started to search FaceBook. 

I found his daughter. I sent her a private message under the ruse of looking for my dad’s old shipmates. Evidently she was relaying the information to her father via text. She confirmed he knew my father and mother and spent a lot of time at our apartment. Working up my nerve I asked for a picture. She sent me one she had on her phone. I nearly threw up when I saw it. I started shaking and fell apart. I cried myself to sleep. The next day I forwarded the picture to my father, who confirmed what I already knew. I also sent an official friend request to his daughter. 

The last few days I have been thinking about why I went through all this and why I continue to be friends with this woman. She doesn’t seem to be a bad person. She mostly posts things about her boys and some relationship issues. What is the purpose behind having her in my news feed? What I am hoping to gain from this? I think I might be searching for clues about his character now. I have always hoped he never abused another child. Once I found out he had a daughter I wondered if he abused her. I was almost relieved to find out she had boys and not girls. My abuser also has a son but I am not sure if he has children. 

I have yet to work up the nerve to tell his daughter what her father did to me. What if I was the only one? Do I really want to destroy her image of her father? Realistically I am not expecting any apologies from him nor do I expect him to admit to anything. While I am not expecting it, do I still want it? Yes, I do. I want the validation, which makes absolutely no sense. I know what happened. I have remembered so many sick details. I do not need his validation. 

So what is it that I need from all this? If I do not tell his daughter, can I tell him I remember? Did he suspect I was contacting his daughter just to get at him? Does he remember what he did? Alcohol and drugs were involved most of the time, so maybe it is all a haze for him, not that it is an excuse. Has he known all this time and asked God for forgiveness? Has he ever wondered if I ever remembered? 

There are so many questions, questions that may never have an answer. How do I let this go? How do I move on without answers?