And Peter said to them, “Repent, and let each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.” Acts 2:38
Do you ever feel clean, like you have finally washed to sin of your abuser off? I never feel clean, even after all these years. I still feel dirty, a realization that hit me during a Good Friday service in which several people were baptized.
I grew up in churches that did not consider baptism necessary and it was never offered. The doctrine focused on accepting Jesus as our Savior. I was taught baptists believed a person was not saved until baptism. At the age of 7, during vacation bible school, I accepted Jesus as my Savior; and I was baptized at the age of 28.
Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, in order that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the father, so we too might walk in newness of life. Romans 6:4
My baptism happened out of desire to join my finance’s church. I called the church to ask about becoming a member. A staff pastor and his wife came to my apartment under the assumption I had never given my heart to Christ. I was in my ‘people-pleasing’ mode and went along with it. I was then asked to schedule my baptism to become an official member of the church, which I did. I can give the year and approximate month of it happened and a few details but I really do not remember much about it. The biggest thing I do remember is the disappointment. My expectations were not met.
I was counting on a cleansing, a washing away of sin, and peace. None of which happened. The pastor did tell me baptism is an act of obedience; however, I did not approach it this way. My approach to baptism was not emotional nor did I consider it an act of obedience; it was corporate; a way to join a church. Looking back on it now, I can see why my expectations were not met; they were wrong to begin with.
A victim of abuse and/or rape will often mention taking several showers or baths to try to feel clean, to get the dirtiness of the act off their physical body. Our body is not what we are trying to clean, it is our hearts and minds. One shower will eliminate physical evidence but never the emotional damage.
Many times I have sat in the Gulf Coast to the level of my shoulders. I wanted to feel the warm water swirl around me. I needed it to wash away how dirty I felt inside. I have stood underneath waterfalls and showerheads for the same reason. There never seems to be enough water to cleanse me. It is not my sin I am wanting to wash off; it is the essence of my abusers. It permeates my skin and there are days I believe it comes through my pores, like the smell of an alcoholic after a night of drinking.
During the Good Friday service I was contemplating of the above and writing out my thoughts. I was wondering why I never felt clean enough though my body had been washed thousands of times since the abuse. I had been baptised with water and I felt no different.
It was at that moment I heard God speak to me. There was just one sentence but I stopped all my questions immediately. “You never felt the blood of Christ wash away your sins,” was the sentence I heard. If possible, you could have heard a pin drop in the silence in my head. There were no more questions, just direction.
And according to the Law, one may almost say, all things are cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. Hebrews 9:22
Water has nothing to do with what I really need.
This feeling of uncleanness in my heart is not about my abusers; it is about me. It occurs to me that allowing the blood of Jesus to cleanse is really what I need. When compared with blood, water has no significant weight. I imagine the dirtiness of my heart and soul, and then the blood of Jesus coming over me. All of my sin and the sins of my abusers are washed away, leaving forgiveness and grace.
While I am sure of my salvation and do not deny Jesus as my Savior, this step of accepting Christ’s grace has yet to be made. I cannot tell you why I am holding back, but I do know I am standing in my own way. My heart aches to stop feeling the filth of sin of the abuse, but I cannot let go. I have no doubt I will relinquish what is keeping me from acceptance, I just need to figure out what it is.
