Delivered

He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us. 2 Corinthians 1:10.

My body has survived the abuse. My heart survived also but the scars run so deep that it is in deadly peril now. God delivered me physically and now He is delivering me emotionally. There are days that I feel so lost and like I will never recover. I feel my heart will forever be cold and that I will always have to live with overwhelming sadness, guilt (however misplaced), and shame (also misplaced). It feels so heavy sometimes. The hopelessness is almost palpable. Those days I depend on my therapist, support group, and husband to pull me through. I am now starting to remember to depend on God to get me through also.

Every day is not horrible but there are those that are. Sometimes there are more bad days during a week then good ones and at times the opposite. I never really know how it is going to go. Unexpected things can trigger a memory, feeling, or even a body memory. It is hard to remember to breathe and separate what happened in the past from the present.

The days that are good it is easier for me to remember the hope. Not just the hope that is in God, but the hope that I will have more good days than bad. Hope that one day the abuse will be a passing thought if triggered and not a constant daily reminder. I really do not believe this hope is possible without God. He continues to deliver me through the bad days whether I seek him. He is always there, waiting for me to reach for Him. As the verse above states, as long as I set my hope in Him, God will continue to deliver me from the bad days and from the evil of the abuse affecting my wounded heart.  

Love and Lies

All abusers lie to their victims whether they use words or actions. I was lied to several times with phrases indicating I liked it, he was the only one who really cared for me, he would kill my father if I told, and it was my fault for a number of different reasons. Some of those reasons included “because I liked it,” “I got him excited,” and “I let him.” None of these were true but I accepted the lies for several years, damaging my self-esteem and making it difficult for me to believe I am worthy of anyone’s love, especially God’s.

A lot of abusers, like mine, tell us they love us and try to convince us they are showing just how much. This makes the abuse incredibly painful and confusing. The abuse makes it difficult to separate love and abuse. We fear love and sex and confuse their real purpose in life. Fear becomes a big component of our lives whether we realize it, and love becomes distorted. Once we recognize how distorted our thinking has become because of the abuse healthy and loving relationships seem impossible with a partner or with God.

1 John 4:8a states There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear. This completely contradicts what we were told by our abusers. My abuser terrified me. I specifically remember a time when my father left our apartment to buy a treat for not wetting the bed (red flag). I was afraid my abuser was babysitting. I pulled the covers over my head and pinned them down with my arms. I do not know how long I stayed that way but at the first tug on the covers I panicked. I kicked and fought against what I believed to be my abuser. After what seemed like an eternity the covers were pulled off, revealing my father. That kind of fear is not love in any way despite my abuser’s insistence he was “loving” me. My abuser telling me he loved me was a total lie.

The One who truly loves us does not lie. In order that by two interchangeable, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we may have strong encouragement, we who have fled to him for refuge in laying hold of the hope set before us. Hebrews 6:18. God is the greatest love; a love that can be trusted and depended on. A love never based on lies, but based on truth and hope.

What would happen if we could set aside the lies of our abusers? Choosing not to believe them and move forward is a difficult thing to do. There are times it will seem impossible and will hurt  to an almost unbearable level, but it is not. Moving past the lies of our abusers involves hard work. We can learn to see ourselves as God sees us. He created us and we are valued by Him.

In Acts 13 Paul and his companions went to Antioch. They preached the gospel and many people believed. The Jews were jealous and pushed them out of the city. They persecuted them and they left without damaged spirits. Verses 51-52 of this chapter state But they shook off the dust of their feet in protest against them and went to Iconium. And the disciples were continually filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.

We need to chose to dust off our abuser’s lies in protest, letting go of the damage they caused. I want to make this choice and move to the next stage of my journey, filled with joy and relying on the Holy Spirit for the strength to follow through. In this way I will be victorious over my abusers, no longer letting them control my view of myself.

Submitting Ourselves Safely

Today the preacher’s sermon was on Colossians 3:18-21. Wives be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not embittered against them. Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Fathers do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart. At first I did not see how any of the above could apply to healing from abuse. All the submission spoken of above is done ultimately under God’s authority, not man’s. We did not submit to our abusers, they demanded our bodies. The abuse was in no way under God’s authority.

Mentioning any type of submission to an abuse survivor is enough to send them running, either mentally or physically.  I think as survivors of abuse, we take two basic roads. One is submitting to basically everyone. We never fight for what we believe or want because we believe we do not have a voice that counts. We become people pleasers and want everyone to like us. The other is to completely defy authority and please nobody. We try to control every situation and never let anyone close, refusing to be taken advantage of again. Many of us may land somewhere in the middle. I started thinking about submission to God in my life and my healing. There is no doubt in my mind that I cannot gain my life back and heal without Him.

I mostly fall into the defy authority category. I want control of my surroundings and not let anyone tell me what to do. I have often been described as stoic, unfeeling, and cold hearted. All of these characteristics can point to my defiance, especially my defiance in letting God fill my heart and mind. A lot of times I was not as cold hearted as others thought, I just felt showing emotion would show weakness and I was not about to show weakness. I am a little (maybe a lot) stubborn when it comes to asking for help also. All of these I need to give to God, submit to his authority. This is extremely difficult for me. I have serious doubts about anyone who claims they have gotten over their abuse because they just gave “it all to God and He has taken care of it.” I have several issues with this train of thought. This implies that real healing did not take place. The past was not faced, just tossed aside. It is impossible to gain our lives back without facing the past and slogging through the muck of abuse. We cannot be healed from what we do not acknowledge.

Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. James 4:7

All of the characteristics I listed for myself, resisting authority; cold hearted; showing weakness; and wanting to control my surroundings are from the devil. These are completely opposite of what God wants for my life. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body, and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:7-8.

Submitting to God’s authority is safe. He is not going to abuse his authority like those who abused us. God can be trusted. We can submit to His will for our future. He will heal me, I just need to trust him. We will trust a medical doctor almost blindly to heal us and take care of our diseases and medical problems. A medical doctor is human and not immune to mistakes. If we blindly trust and submit to the wisdom of a human doctor, why is it so hard to submit and blindly trust the wisdom of the ultimate Healer; one who is flawless. This is not to say everything needs to be “submitted” at one time. We can do it little by little, growing in His love and healing just as infants learning their world. Infants do not learn to trust.They do not know what trust is until it is broken. We sometimes need to start all over, in infancy with God, in order to re-establish a safe, healing world, with God as our father, submitting to his authority, trusting the One who has never given us a reason not to trust Him.

The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble, and those who know Thy name will put their trust in Thee; For Thou, O Lord, hast not forsaken those who seek thee. Psalm 9:9-10.